I'm #autistic. The sound of the train blowing its horn as it passes my house makes me cover my ears in pain. But the throbbing bass of the engine that causes a deep pressure in my chest from the vibration makes me feel happy.
When I was a kid, I used to crank up the bass of my parents' stereo and sit directly against the woofer to feel that pressure. They would always yell at me to turn it down. I've always loved that feeling.
I run a room air conditioner year-round, so I can sleep with a heavy quilt on my bed.
I installed solar partly so I don't feel guilty about running an air conditioner year-round.
@asbestos@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity Oh god I hate loud revving engines like that. The rumble from the train is completely different, IMO. I blow up on people sometimes over the shitty muffler thing.
@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
Yup,
I once saw some dudes launch this penis boat with a huge engine on it that was appallingly loud, like dragster loud. It stalled almost right away and I watched them try to get it going as they drifted down the Ohio River. They disappeared from site about 40 minutes later. My only regret was not being in a boat to chase them and do a Nelson laugh over a bullhorn.
@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
I always loved the roar of the Vulcan Bomber's engines for how it made my insides vibrate. But I hate high pitched sounds (I struggle with Soprano voices) yet I am OK with high pitched recorders so long as there's not too many of them.
My twins have always been noisy, they still tend to talk too loud at 23, but have sensory issues with other people's noise.
@mori@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity As long as I have a choice! My bodily autonomy comes first, so I get upset when strangers inflict it on me and I have no power to stop it.
@hosford42@mori@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
For me it goes beyond the noise, people who have their car stereos turned up to max with lots of bass nearly always look somewhat desperate emotionally and that affects me as well. Maybe this is just in our area?
@kkffoo@hosford42@mori@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity i haven't noticed that, but maybe that's because I usually have my bass up high in the car. I don't recognize the emotionality though, I just like the music and I don't have a stereo at home so I enjoy it in the car (or headphones)
@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity Rhythmic bass sounds >by themselves< without any other music drive me up a tree. When neighbors crank their music or a movie in a closed building so the only sound that can be heard is the bass, I have to go elsewhere. If the bass sounds are mixed with something else I can usually manage.
@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity When I was a kid, I was entranced by the sound of pedistal fans, I loved how it altered my voice when I talked in front of it.
@jaystephens@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
Becareful Jay, I hear some people are coming into this thread thinking they are neurotypical, but end up leaving realizing they are neurodivergent. If the possibility of that is not something you are ready for, you might want to turn back now. :autistic_lurker:
@hosford42 I am the opposite. I cannot handle the bass beat, because it does not match my heart rate, and causes distress. The thumping is also distressing. I loved train whistles. I love truck air horns. I am #Autistic.@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
@Tooden@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
How about bathroom fans? They drive me insane. I have some like the laundry room taped off so no one uses it. And the neighbors music. The music is not rap or anything terrible but the bass hurts me. I don't know how to ask them since they are not friendly but I can't get away from it.
@Adventurer This is where that spectrum comes in. I hardly notice the noise of exhaust fans. My partner, and my youngest son can hear the buzz of the television on standby. I can't. A heavy bass beat doesn't annoy them, because their heart rate is faster than mine. @hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
Pounding of feet into the hardwood floors above me, two floors, barking beeping dripping buzzing droning trains slamming steel doors construction boulevards highways and thousands of people all within less than a quarter mile radius of my 700 ft²
Especially if I am needing to go into the Andy roddick towel over my head space and shut out everything, I put on television I like and wouldn't mind watching again
Not necessarily television I would love or that would move me just something with characters or vibes that I didn't mind
And I loop it and get stoned and sleep
I slept to Voyager for years
Also to the song of Bernadette, and our Lady of Guadalupe telenovela
Working on my Spanish and my spirituality studying Teresa of Avila, (one of my favorite writers and saints and life coaches) passively with the eight episode miniseries about her life teresa de Jesus starring concha velasco
When there is noise happening and I can do nothing about it I try to get a little bit active or do the things that I've been avoiding so that I don't have multiple things to worry about
@Adventurer@Tooden@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity things that are bothering me that I might fix. Prayer really works/ if I'm having a problem sleeping, doing all of that stuff tidying up getting food ready dog walk etc It's an excellent system to tire me out and to get things off my mind. After that's done, or I'm tired and my mind is racing a rosary is the best sleep aid I'm also louder than everyone when I decide to sing, so a nice bit of Wotan, I can settle the air and me.
Fin
@Adventurer@Tooden@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I hate that bass has become weaponized in our cities. It literally makes me nauseous 🤢 to feel the boom boom boom from the car at the red light or an adjacent apartment. If I can feel your sound, it’s too much.
It's cool that you can sense your own heart rate. Sometimes I can hear it from the blood rushing in my ears, or even see it from my retinas shifting slightly from the pressure, but I can never feel it unless I just exercised really really hard.
@hosford42
Oh man I feel mine so much and often wonder how many people do or don't. I can control it to some extent too. Last time I was in the hospital I was showing my partner how low I could get it and he was like, okay but stop no lower please 😂 @Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I struggle with town noise and I live in a town centre. Oops. I have to have my earbuds on noise cancelling all the time. I can only really deal without them when I’m with a friend so I’m distracted by being with them. I love deep bass. Please never make me get on a plane without noise cancelling headphones. That’s hell. 😅
@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I was worried looking that up! Thankfully it's one of those things that can be described without instantly making a sensitive person miserable. :) But yeah, I'll pass on being exposed to them IRL.
@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity No harm done, don't sweat it. I'm just paranoid because my wife occasionally pulls little pranks on me of that nature.
Great... yet another device whose only purpose is to create social annoyance.
The event I was at last night was tolerable, but sometimes... 😩
A guy just decided to yell his joy to the sky. Thank you, do you also drive a douchemobile?
At some point, two music sources were competing, and I was right in the middle of it. Before the mix of the two sources I was :catjam: and then I was :catangry: . (If anyone has trouble seeing the emojis, the first one is a cat jamming to the music and the second one is an angry cat.)
@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity oh yeah never knew being able to see your heart beat in your eyes was wasn’t something everyone can do. I have also been known to play games with sunlight at an angle in morning and those floaties in your eyes. Does that make me NT or Autistic, or just easily entertained.
@littlescraps@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity That by itself isn't enough to make you anything, I'd say. If you think you might be autistic, there are some quizzes and screening tests people have linked to further down in the threads. They aren't enough to diagnose you, but they can tell you if it's worth further consideration or not. I highly recommend you give it a go!
@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity ah yes.. I am most definitely ND and Autistic. Sorry, I was trying to be clever and funny, but realize you don’t know me. So not getting the inside joke. I am new to the understanding of my amazing ND power source. Been about 2 years since I started saying hmmmmm. Nothing like figuring it out at 55. I feel so much better . Used to think I could fix me. Know I know I don’t need to be fixed!
I sense my own pulse from multiple locations; chest or neck most often. I can't wear earbuds because of the resonant bodily feedback (breathing and more) in the closed space created by the earbud.
I too have floaters, but I have mercifully finally stopped being aware of them most of the time. I never tried playing games with them as a means of coping with my frustration about them.
I have to stay still when I'm wearing wired earbuds. I can handle the body feedback, but the sound of the mic rubbing against my clothes sends me over the edge.
Your sensory tolerance is a little closer to typical than mine, it seems. All my senses are hypervigilant, including taste (supertaster). When I'm present in the moment, I'm REALLY present in the moment. Sometimes I have no choice to avoid being present. Sounds and smells intrude easily, and I especially smell things that no one else does.
I think mine is context dependent. I wear earbuds for teleconferencing or walking. When I'm trying to go to sleep, sounds like the pillow settling, my heartbeat, hearing my own breathing, or having something pop or click in my nose/throat can force me to get up, blow my nose, find a new position, whatever it takes to make it go away.
@VulcanTourist@ScottSoCal@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity oh my gosh me too … super taster… super smeller … my husband says the food I make is so bland … and don’t get it… I taste all kinds of stuff. hot spicy food is not any fun for me AT ALL. And I HATE BITTER. I can taste the red dye in candy. Yuck
@littlescraps@VulcanTourist@ScottSoCal@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I have the same problem. I cannot eat red velvet cake because all I can taste is the red food dye. It tastes so bad. I can’t believe anyone could like it. I can’t sit close to someone with strong perfumes or colognes on because they make me sick/give me headaches.
I may not be as extreme a supertaster; I'm not aware of red food dye being bitter to me, but I don't eat much candy and can't recall when I've eaten red velvet. My wife says I did once and wasn't disgusted but didn't love it like she does.
Yeah, bitterness is the bane of every supertaster. It kept me from drinking coffee, tea, and beer, and my hatred of the buzz kept me away from everything else alcoholic. Strangely, I can eat at least some dark chocolates....
I only eat dark chocolate, love coffee, and also like mole (mo-lay) sauce, a savory sauce made with chocolate. I don't dislike bitterness, but it has to be in the right context.
I like dark chocolate. So much so that my aftercare food is dark chocolate M&Ms. They come in a handy bag, and are ready for consumption. (Since apparently you can't readily Google it... I'm talking about sexual aftercare.) However, there's a limit to the bitterness I can tolerate. 75% is about right. I'm also fine with coffee. I wouldn't know mole sauce from a hole in the ground. (Sauce made of moles??? :catthinking: )
The first time I had mole it was badly made, and tasted like used coffee grounds. The second time was in a restaurant in Santa Barbara. I ordered the steak with mole sauce and asked them to hold the mole. The chef was so incensed he brought me a ramekin of the sauce and dared me to taste his mole and turn it down. It was delicious.
@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I also am so fascinated to find all these things that are linked… it is like I go “ ah ha” that’s cool, I do that too! Finding my tribe here. So fucking cool to find all these people like me! It is like meeting my birth family at 30 and realizing I have people like me .. I’m not broken like my mom kept trying to make me feel. (They were quiet very NT, and passive aggressive) you guys are the BEST!
@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I am highly aware of my heart rate. My brother used to play bass and I could feel the vibrations through the house and it drove me mad. Can't stand the sound either, feel like it crunches my teeth. Although I wouldn't like a train whistle either!
@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I wonder how common it is for NTs to see their heartbeat in their eyes. I feel like that's a thing that they might find really weird because they tend to filter out tiny perceptual changes like that. Sometimes I wonder just how differently we experience the same universe. I feel like NTs live in a cartoonified version of reality where only the most salient details are preserved, while autistic folks have life under a microscope checking out the fine details, which can distract us from the big picture stuff.
I've been told by my ophthalmologist I can have those floaters filtered out with a simple, painless procedure. I told him I'd sooner have my eyeballs packed to the point of lumpiness with those bastards before anyone inserts tubes in my... what he calls "face eggs." Oh, he actually only studied chiropractic.
@crashglasshouses@f1337@UncleGooberleg@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity one of the states I was in had a safety inspection every year and they tested the lights to make sure they would not hit people's eyes directly. Even the ones that are indirect are a problem I know, but those ones that right at your eyes? There is no need for that.
@f1337 My Dad used to wear special yellow lenses to cut the flare/glare. It's funny, but Blue LED headlights are actually less disturbing when you have that lens-flare problem. I don't get that halo effect from LED either. @UncleGooberleg@Ferles@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity Thanks for this thread everyone. I’m at the beginning of understanding myself at the moment (as I’m about to turn 50 😅) I have taken numerous online tests over the course of the past year and the tests listed in this thread today. I think I’m ND. It seems the process of ‘official’ diagnosis here in the UK is lengthy and difficult to get started with, so I’m not sure where this is going, but that doesn’t matter so much as the self acceptance.
@aaron@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity the UK timeframe depends on local NHS region. I had to speak to my GP then put in writing why I felt diagnosis would be relevant (I basically went through the DSM criteria and put down relevant examples to make it easy for them). The GP forwarded my letter to the local diagnostic service. Then I waited 2 years before this spring I had to fill in a form and have two long sessions with different people. Right to choose I think is an option too
@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity sometimes I can hear my heart pulse in my temple making contact with my pillow. Makes me fricken nuts… haven’t had a chance to note when it happens if there is a connecting thing like over tired over stressed etc
@ScottSoCal@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity that’s kind of mind blowing. I thought everyone felt their pulse that way. I feel my pulse in the tips of my fingers and toes as well. I could never take a person’s pulse accurately by hand because I feel my own so strongly. I just ignore it by habit.
Visually, I filter even more than NTs. I struggle to notice things I don't expect to see. I guess I'm either hypo-visual or hyper-filtery!
My visuals come pre-packaged as objects - I don't consciously assemble them from micro-details in the way many #ActuallyAutistic folks describe + luckily don't overload from complex visuals (though motion/flicker/brightness destroy me).
@FrightenedRat@ScottSoCal@johnettesnuggs@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I'm visually oblivious. I frequently completely fail to notice things I don't know to look for, and I can't find things if I don't know where to look for them. I have trouble switching back and forth between pictures and text so in social media posts with both usually only one or the others registers, and I don't absorb graphic novels/comics with more than the most basic line drawings well.
Ooh - it's interesting that you have difficulty with graphic novels/comics - I can't manage them either!
When I say this I get accused of snobbery, but the effort I need to put into extracting info from them makes me stressed & exhausted. I simply don't know where to look - especially if the speech bubbles jump about.
& in video games I'm awful at tracking both the mini-map + the main content.
@FrightenedRat@estellechauvelin@ScottSoCal@johnettesnuggs@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity Hmm... This brings up an interesting point for me. If it's a task that's highly familiar, I'm bad ass at it. But if it's the first go, I usually suck extra. It's like my brain is laying down new wiring specially tailored to the task, and in the mean time I'm garbage. For stuff I've programmed myself to do efficiently, I've been quizzed as to how on earth I do it so quickly and precisely, because I hit speeds that are double-digit multiples of their own. If only I could pull that kind of performance out of the box...
I'm running into:
A task I've done a lot before, and I'm really good at it, but someone else changed things. What I used to do doesn't work anymore, and what I now have to do doesn't make sense. And there are parts of it I can't do - no access - so I have to rely on other people, and their ability to get it right.
I'm just about climbing the walls with frustration.
Sounds too familiar. A tool that worked for me and has for years was taken away and replaced with a cheaper, prettier, substandard tool that won't do at least six things I need it to do. And of course, this is my problem, not theirs.
I'm lucky in that I was able to change at least a few things, by calling a meeting and starting out "We're in violation of contract because this new thing..."
@FrightenedRat@ScottSoCal@johnettesnuggs@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity This is the first I've heard anyone describe this assembly process. Mine is more like grokking. I immediately see the object, and the fine details. Sometimes my brain misfires and I see something as something else very briefly, like an optical illusion, before it quickly corrects, and then I get really confused. Same thing happens with sounds and words.
What's strange is, I'm worthless looking for things. I'll look right past them if they aren't where I expect them to be. But if I know what color something is, I can pick it out of a broad field of view with my peripheral vision really quickly. So I'm simultaneously really bad and really good at it, depending on minor variations in the task and how I go about it.
@FrightenedRat@ScottSoCal@johnettesnuggs@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity My best introspective understanding is the following (comments and corrections welcome): I believe we process verbal information top-down, so if there’s no apparent structure to what is presented or said we try to “build it” mentally first (and interrupt the speaker a lot compared to NT).
@hosford42 I see them mostly skating across the surface of things. In my observations, those I perceive to be neurotypical are all noise, no feeling. If something bad happens to them, they collapse like a bouncy castle when the air is being sucked out of it. Poor shallow humans. @actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I understand where you're coming from, but they are still human beings, and their experiences are just as real as ours. I try to take the high ground and be more understanding of them than they generally are of us. (It's not easy, though.)
@markusl
I... have this too. This very thing. Left hand only, because I cut the artery (I assume) in my right hand by accident when I was a kid.
Also, thanks to a weird trick I tested as an adult, I can sometimes see the blood vessels in my eyes. It's similar to visual noise on a TV tuned to a dead channel.
...and, of course, the pulse in my ears. Especially when tired.
Ah, and I can tell if Im stressed or calm by the way colours dance when I close my eyes (and it's dark). The colours themselves also matter.
Seeing my heartbeat in my eyes kind of creeps me out a little. The way it throbs makes me think a little too hard about how I'm just a bag of meat, and I have body integrity-related phobias, so it gets to me a little. (I'm absolutely terrified of needles. They always tell me it won't hurt -- like that matters one iota.)
@dpnash@morpheo@markusl@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity Yep, at least for me! This is the kind of stuff I see when I'm trying to go to sleep but I haven't taken my melatonin. Sometimes I get more geometric, fractally stuff, too. And sometimes it even weaves in more complex objects, but always in the same weird, stylized presentation, like concentric outline drawings, not actual pictures.
Awesome link, btw! Nice to finally have a word for this phenomenon, after 4 and a half decades.
@dpnash
Sometimes, yes. Moreso a bunch of years ago, when I often lost sleep over it. Nowadays they're cloudy and flowy, often in a tone of lilac, rather fractal-y, when I'm well, and spiky, more blue-toned when I'm stressed or upset.
@dpnash
sometimes lines and twinkles appear, and sometimes I decide (as in control) to fly away, often into space. In my dreams, of course. I'm almost always aware that I'm dreaming and can control those dreams to some extent. My speculation is that it's a consequence of my sleep apnea; I've often had to wake myself from "drowning" when apnea sets in. (I use a cpap now, so less often these days.)
Ah! I love to listen to electronic music when I sleep (:
@dpnash
Days before I gave birth to my second child my vision was alternating between red and green. You know how if you cover one eye you see a green tint, and the other eye, a red one? Both my eyes were open but they were taking turns and it was intense. My care provider didn't know what I was talking about @morpheo@markusl@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity
@Tooden@GrandmaWolf@morpheo@markusl@actuallyautistic If there's music of any kind, it holds my attention and won't let go. So even if it succeeds in drowning out the background noise I don't like, I'll end up lying there awake all night listening to it despite my best efforts.
Someone else mentioned Classical. I haven't tried Classical, but if it works, that may tell you something about my own appreciation of Classical that you maybe wouldn't want to know. :madjoy:
(i.e. Classical is so boring that it puts me right to sleep. :derpface: )
Your opinion is 100% valid and I respect your right to say how you feel..
.. that said! "classical boring? Get out and never darken my door again !!" ;p hehe (I jest of course)
I've always loved Classical, but then I love a wide and eclectic mix of music. Classical, Jazz, Punk, Rock, Metal, K-Pop, Blues, Prog, Opera, Minimalist, Chiptunes, Synthwave, Dance and even Mongolian Throat singing! ;D
Truth be told, my tastes are eclectic too, and I do enjoy some classical music sometimes. Some pieces even make me cry, which is a high compliment.
I do suspect that those pieces that I actually like would fall into the same category as the other music I've listened too: stimulating and not conducive to sleep.
Grieg's Piano concerto in A minor is one of my most listened pieces. When playing the piano I mostly play Beethoven but have/can play the piano part from this.. (just never with the orchestra so it's somewhat lacking!)
When I miss or delay a dose of my antidepressant, sometimes I get what's referred to as "brain zaps", which are jolts that, for me, lie halfway between a full brain reset and a short burst of staticky hallucinated sound. They hit me specifically whenever my eyes make large saccades. Could the sound maybe be something along those lines, instead?
@hosford42@markusl@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity no I can actually hear the movement. Not with every movemenr, but if I look up or very far to side. Perhaps I have extra moist eyes though as the sound is like moving something against moisture
@sentient_water@markusl@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity Especially, I would say. I was hanging out with ND folks long before I knew what ND was or that I was autistic. Friends who I assumed were NT later turned out to be ND, and I just didn't know it at the time.
@sentient_water@markusl@hosford42@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity Can be a tricky thing trying to spot someone who identifies as NT as ND. We would have to go by external traits and behaviors. (which has some of the same shortcomings as the diagnostic criteria that we all "know and love"). And where it can be easier for us to spot the commonalities, the proof would be in how their brain is wired. And the person in question is going to be in the best spot to know that.
Even if someone is ND but in the dark about it (or otherwise haven't disclosed to others), they might not be in the proper head space, or in a safe/accommodating environment to start exploring their ND traits.
All that being said, I would add that saying "I consider myself NT" instead of "I'm NT" leaves a bit of wiggle room that they might be wrong. 😜 (I'm just kidding here Markus. You're the one who is in the best spot to know your neurotype)
Kind of like if someone said "I consider myself cis" instead "I'm cis", my thoughts would immediately go to "oh, you poor, poor little egg", but I would go and call them out on it though.
@brainpilgrim@markusl@sentient_water@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I am fine with eye contact as long as nobody mentions it and makes it awkward. Then I'm done. But I do spend a lot less time doing it than most people. I tend to look at the walls or people's mouths while I'm talking, with only the briefest glances towards their eyes.
Still I've noticed a lot of women (trans too) who are autistic are also more prevalent in tech. No evidence just a feeling I get especially from the Fediverse.
@hosford42@markusl@sentient_water@Tooden@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity big oof, I'm sorry for that. Just watched a philosophy deal on YT about cops (in the UK specifically) - the guy said they weren't supported but what he meant was Real Cops have a 6th sense and should never be questioned (despite the statistics saying their stop & search being largely ineffective)
ND folks definitely have hard mode when dealing with NT authority 😞
In my much younger/prettier days I used to dance on top of the speaker at the bar. That thump is just as nice coming through the soles of your feet.
A guy once told me that dancing with me was like having sex, standing up. Best compliment I ever got.
@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity I still feel that way about bass. If speakers/headphones don't have enough or not what I like I won't get them. We had to get the subwoofer fixed a couple years ago and really missed it while it was gone. It seems to really add something.
@hosford42@actuallyautistic@neurodiversity i sometimes joke that my corset is like a thundershirt for humans, cause the pressure makes me feel less anxious when i wear it.
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