Help me formulate the dullest response to colleagues when they goad me into telling them why I quit

This happens in Germany.

Work culture doesn’t fit my personality: I don’t talk much, I keep to myself, I simply want to do my job and go home, I separate my personal life from work, my colleagues are full fledged gossips, ignore the duties that need to be done and then expect me to help them when they are late. I don’t have patience for that crap anymore.

Due to internal regulations, I have to stay on the unit for 4 weeks after sending my notice. Answering honestly the question of why I’m quitting would ensure that they yell at me and bully me, and I don’t want to experience that again. Even saying ‘it’s none of your business’ ensures that they feel insulted and start yelling. I have decided I don’t have patience for people like that anymore.

So, what do I say?

wuphysics87,

I signed an NDA

wuphysics87,

Personal obligations I can’t discuss for the sake of someone else’s privacy

quinkin,

The mothership has been signalled and I must prepare the bunker.

eezeebee,
@eezeebee@lemmy.ca avatar

“My work here is done”

Hikermick,

Give them a boring answer them leave weird shit for them to find like maps to exotic places in your trash bin and secret coded messages in the photocopy machine

bloodfart,

You’re being voluntarily committed

You’re going underground with a raf cell

You’re pursuing your lifelong dream of living on a houseboat in Miami

quafeinum,

“New job pays X euros more” and make up random number. That’ll shut em up

xmunk,

Alternatively, and this has happened to me, they may offer to match the number. When a former boss did this it did get a bit awkward and I had to say “No, I honestly just don’t like it here and tbe fact that you’re offering me a 60% raise as I walk out the door after never giving reasonable CoL increases just cements that more.” I fucking hate squeaky wheel driven compensation, it’s stressful and makes employment unnecessarily adversarial (employment is an inherently adversarial activity in most of the world so you don’t need to make it even worse).

some_guy,

Good for you for having conviction.

quafeinum, (edited )

At this point OP has already signed a new contract though. Also I’d make up a ridiculous number to sow doubt among the asshats.

But yeah the ‘you could have offered me a raise before to avoid all this’ is a good point.

Septimaeus,

There are already a lot of good answers here, so instead I’ll offer you a game you might enjoy.

For context, I used to have the same problem, but I stumbled into a hack that turns it into a fun pastime rather than a nuisance or concern, and now it’s one of my favorite parts of taking up a new post.

What: Seed your own wild rumors by baiting known gossips with decoys.

How: While I’m often surprised by which rumors have legs, it seems prompt technique is the key controllable factor. Prompts that are more off-hand, indirect, and opaque seem to cultivate rumors with better proliferation and more colorful embellishments. I’m not sure why less is more here, but my theory is that the more gossips have to make up, the more they “own” their version of your story and the better they are at selling it. If necessary, you can drop some facts here and there (use only truths) but in general try to avoid details. Gossips are insanely good at filling these in on your behalf.

Who: This part is easiest. Gossips will always come to you. Usually they are some of the first people to approach you at your new job, looking for the scoop. The first you meet are usually the defacto gossip leads, but the rest reveal themselves quickly, especially if your rumors are good. You will learn to recognize them by the way they sidle up in the break room or pry opportunistically in conversation, however the easiest sign is that they respond to evasiveness and deflection in the opposite way others do.

Why:

  1. Reconciling their conflicting versions of your personal story and private life disrupts their rumor mill internally and erodes their legitimacy externally.
  2. You have the unique pleasure of receiving, over time, fragments of “your story.” This has utility for tracing the leaks and determining network composition, but mostly it’s just hilarious to see what they come up with, and interesting to know the versions of you that people will entertain.
  3. As to social risk, so far none of my rumors have developed into anything terribly embarrassing — usually what they come up with is far more interesting than reality, sometimes even flattering — but the few times I’ve had to correct a story in conversation it was met with instant acceptance of the more realistic take. Most people know to take hearsay with a grain of salt.
  4. I suppose the gossips might be mad if they realized you were toying with them, but I suspect they would just treat you as a dry well and leave you alone, which also solves your problem.
  5. It’s relatively victimless as mischief goes. You don’t even have to lie. In fact it works better if you don’t.
  6. And it requires almost no effort.

TL;DR: You can bait the nosy nellies into writing fan fiction for you. It’s easy, fun, and good for the environment. Your personality traits make you a natural at this game —others might need to tone down their instinct to overshare or practice being pointedly vague — but if in doubt just remember, storytelling is the gossips’ job and you are their humble yet beloved muse.

lagomorphlecture,

It isn’t any of their business unless you want it to be so just be vague as hell. “I got another offer that is a good opportunity.” “I’ve decided to pursue other opportunities.” They’ll obviously ask questions and you can just remain vague. “I would rather not discuss specific details of my new job.”

Or if you don’t mind them speculating behind your back you can say as something like “I’ve decided to move on for personal reasons.” Just leave it at that and let them sit there and wonder. Is a family member sick and needs care? Are you sick? Did you get a different job? Do you hate everyone? Are you going to prison? Who knows because you aren’t telling them.

RBWells,

Because I don’t work here anymore.

Why are you yelling?

But if you have legitimate gripes about them making you do their work why not tell them? You are leaving, it’s not like they can do anything about it now, but if it’s their fault (for lack of a better word) why not just say so?

Appoxo,
@Appoxo@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

By not making the last 4 weeks a living hell. Maybe you can even keep some bridges by not incinerating them to hell.
We have the saying “We will always meet another time” in Germany for a reason. No reason to be a dick and be polite and professional.

neidu2,

Because HR and I do not agree on what constitutes sexual harassment, so I choose to take my talent elsewhere.

xmunk,

Fucking hell, even just saying that would terrify employers enough to STFU.

dessalines,

Just say: “many reasons” , and if they keep pressing you: “I’d rather not elaborate”

Jourei,

“I got an offer I couldn’t refuse.” and leave it at that! The offer might as well be just ‘not having to deal with you guys anymore’.

Appoxo,
@Appoxo@lemmy.dbzer0.com avatar

That’s a glorious response.
But if they probe into it more say, OP should say that they signed an NDA for now due to rules/laws.

Brad,

Just tell them, “Bubatz ist jetzt legal!”

Grandwolf319,

Say something like:

“It’s best not to discuss such details at this time”

Which will tell them, yes, there is a good reason, no, I can’t tell you since I don’t trust you.

You will never get in trouble for something like that since you literately are not saying anything.

The bonus part is that if the coworker is cool, they can just reach out to you a week or two after you left and you can be honest if you think they are worth it.

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