nutjob4life

nutjob4life, 11 months ago to random

HUMPTY DUMPTY: [has a great fall]

ALL THE KING’S MEN: We’re gonna need a lot of glue

ALL THE KING’S HORSES: Why you looking at us?

nutjob4life, 11 months ago to random

Debugging

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

MY GIRLFRIEND: I feel seen
ME: Please stop pronouncing my name that way

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

Academia summed up in one photo:

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

People in horror movies must live in an alternate universe where there are no horror movies

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

ENGLISH FUN!

"Malaphor": the blending of idioms or clichés; examples:

• We'll burn that bridge when we get to it
• It's not rocket surgery
• He's not the sharpest egg in the attic
• …until the cows freeze over
• You've opened this can of worms, now lie in it
• Does the pope shit in the woods?

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

I know it’s passé, but I still write checks—mostly because I have the most lovely checks

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

[first ever bull in a china shop]: I am so sorry for the mess. Let's just forget this ever happened.

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

KING: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

BURGER PRINCE: [lifting sword] Very well, father. Have it your way.

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

COFFEE PLANTS: now that we’ve evolved caffeine, a natural insect repellent, we’re safe
HUMANS: oh hello

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

I'm not vegan because I love animals. It's because I HATE PLANTS.

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

SHE: Wtf is this pile of clothes on the floor‽
ME: I struck down a Jedi
SHE: I hate you sometimes
ME: Yes. Use your hate

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

Capitalization can drastically change a sentence; for example:
• I love to eat candy
• I love to eat capitalization

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

Ugh guys are always just after one thing

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

How tough are Scotsmen?

Laddie, you're speaking to the only guy in a red shirt who isn't dead.

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Hey man, don't say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want, I can teach you stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: [pointing] That's a tree.

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

If you're naming your YAML files .yml, then you may as well name your HTML files as .htm

YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT 😠

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

ME: It’s sad English has to borrow cool words like schadenfreude

GERMAN GUY: Ah you are feeling spracheneifersucht

ME: Goddamnit!

nutjob4life, 1 year ago to random

New to the internet? Here's how joke propagation works: someone makes a joke. Someone shares it. Then comes: re-share, re-share, re-share, etc. At some point, the attribution gets lost. More re-shares. More re-shares! Eventually it gets to me and I re-share it too. See "Humor on the internet" on Wikipedia (en) for more.

THAT BEING SAID, if you see one of your jokes and you want me to delete it, let me know.