nutjob4life

nutjob4life, 3 months ago to random

https://guthib.com

nutjob4life, 3 months ago to random

Hi https://mastodon.social/@OvercastFM! What's the difference between ☑️ and 🗑️?

They seem to have the same effect.

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

[at the altar]
PASTOR: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: [raises hand]
PASTOR: It's your wedding
ME: [lowers hand]

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

Etiquette question:

When someone's telling you a horrible story and they're crying, how long should I wait before taking a bite of my corn dog?

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

Narrator voice: "When threatened, the lithium-ion battery can expand up to twice its usual size"

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

Whoever collected this great 80s–90s era set of designs: bravo

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

I had three different ISDN lines and two different ISDN modems (technically, CPE or customer-premises equipment) in my history.

Sometimes get maudlin over what you can do with twisted pairs of copper wire.

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

ME: Whatever you do, do not tell mom

DAUGHTER: Got it

[later]

MOM: Have a good time at the park?

DAUGHTER: [loudly] Dad definitely did not get into a fight with a goose

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

I put my grandmother on speed-dial under the name "Instagram"

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

Fruits that do not live up to their names:

❶ passionfruit
❷ grapefruit
❸ honeydew
❹ dragonfruit

Fruit that does live up to its name:

❶ orange

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

My house's haunted by a chicken.

A kind of poultrygeist.

A fowl spirit.

Please send an eggsorcist to help it cross to the other side.

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

ME: We have a color named after you

SALMON: Really? Is it silvery-blue like my scales?

ME: No, uh …

SALMON: Wait why is it pink?

ME: …

SALMON: WHY IS IT PINK?!?

nutjob4life, 4 months ago to random

On-the-job training for Oompa Loompas probably includes a section on dealing with dead bodies

nutjob4life, 5 months ago to random

It's what it's

nutjob4life, 5 months ago to random

The Abominable Snowman sometimes mistakenly gets called "Sasquatch." Yeti doesn't mind.

nutjob4life, 5 months ago to random

Picture, if you will, an octopus using a smaller octopus as a toupée

nutjob4life, 5 months ago to random

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I don’t drink

ME: [panics] oh umm…here’s $12

nutjob4life, 5 months ago to random

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

nutjob4life, 5 months ago to random

ME: I’m a writer

DATE: So you write?

ME: Okay let’s not get carried away

nutjob4life, 5 months ago to random

I mark all "TODO" items in my source code with 🔮 because it's something that'll happen in the fuuUuUuuture!

nutjob4life, 5 months ago to random

Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Xmas. He hated people—which is fair.