nutjob4life

nutjob4life, 5 days ago to random

The plot twist in “Sugar”

Holy moly

dannotdaniel, 10 days ago to random

so many clever & hilarious accounts on here which bring me much joy 🤩 I should probably make a list... anyway I'm feeling lazy and YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE

anyway for now follow @nutjob4life immediately this account makes me laugh every damn day 😂

nutjob4life, 11 days ago to random

SOCIETY: Mothers get their very own day.

ME: What about sharks?

SOCIETY: An entire week.

nutjob4life, 11 days ago to random

[invents dog translator]
DOG: You know, vomit ain't half bad.

nutjob4life, 11 days ago to random

GOOGLE: You want to represent us?

ME: Yes, I'm very, very qualified.

GOOGLE: Our records show you searched "how to pretend to be a lawyer" from the waiting room.

ME: Overruled.

nutjob4life, 11 days ago to random

We have unskippable commercials on streaming TV

How soon they become un-mutable? 🔇

nutjob4life, 12 days ago to random

Capitalization can drastically change a sentence; for example:

• I love to eat candy.
• I love to eat capitalization.

nutjob4life, 12 days ago to random

[recovery meeting]

I was addicted to the hokey-pokey, but I turned myself around.

[applause]

nutjob4life, 28 days ago to random

[at a restaurant]

ME: Could I get the chef salad, but no lettuce?

SERVER: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

ME: Yeah but still call it a salad

nutjob4life, 1 month ago to random

Has "Apple Pay" ever worked for anyone on any website, ever?

What a piece of crap

nutjob4life, 1 month ago to random

[at the dad conference]

SPEAKER: Hi I'm glad to be here.

DADS: Hi glad to be here!

SPEAKER: [shows slide of driver license, first name "Glad", last name "To Be Here"]

DADS: [totally lose it]

nutjob4life, 1 month ago to random

AGE 20: interesting
AGE 40: into resting

nutjob4life, 1 month ago to random

[overheard at a fancy party]

“I wonder if this foie gras is dolphin-safe”

nutjob4life, 1 month ago to random

Chomsky? I'm afraid I don't Noam.

nutjob4life, 2 months ago to random

If St Patrick sees his shadow today, it’s six more weeks of snakes

nutjob4life, 2 months ago to random

We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79

nutjob4life, 2 months ago to random

My son told me tonight I was the best Dad in the world. I couldn't be happier.. even though he's a cat, and actually didn't say that. But I know he's thinking it.

nutjob4life, 2 months ago to random

ME: [being murdered] Tell my girlfriend I love her!

WIFE: [murdering intensifies]

nutjob4life, 2 months ago to random

[at group therapy]

COUNSELOR: Can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like?

ME: [raises hand]

COUNSELOR: Yes, good example.

nutjob4life, 2 months ago to random

ME: [thinking] A mat that says “Welcome to Hell”. But it’s made out of LEGO.

SATAN: [appearing] You know, we are hiring.

nutjob4life, 2 months ago to random

PUBLISHER: We’ve made a lot of money on Big Friendly Giant and the Enormous Crocodile. What’s next?

ROALD DAHL: A story about a kid named James and a peach

PUBLISHER: And the peach—

ROALD DAHL: Oh it’s fucking huge

nutjob4life, 2 months ago to random

I have a step ladder

I never knew my real ladder

nutjob4life, 2 months ago to random

https://guthib.com

nutjob4life, 3 months ago to random

Hi https://mastodon.social/@OvercastFM! What's the difference between ☑️ and 🗑️?

They seem to have the same effect.

nutjob4life, 3 months ago to random

[at the altar]
PASTOR: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: [raises hand]
PASTOR: It's your wedding
ME: [lowers hand]