biscuit_tornado

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

"why don't you believe in god anym--" well about eight years ago, most of the ppl who spent my entire life telling me that I should be humble and shouldn't cheat or steal or hoard wealth wholeheartedly endorsed a guy who was the antithesis of all that for president and had the audacity to tell me god picked him

and when I pointed this out, oh boy did they ever get MAD

so I said, "oh! so that was all bullshit!" and dear reader, life suddenly made a lot more sense

biscuit_tornado, 1 year ago to random

sometimes the curiosity really digs in its teeth and I have to wonder things like "what happens if you air fried shepherd's pie"

biscuit_tornado, 1 year ago to random

"it took us a roomful of dead monkeys to get here but we're proud to announce that the government has given us clearance to try putting lithium-powered wire bundles into human people's brains"

biscuit_tornado, 11 months ago to random

I took the RAADS-R awhile back and I forget my actual score but it was in the range that suddenly a lot of my life challenges and experiences snapped into focus and made sense

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

ramona quimby and anastasia krupnik should have started a riot grrrl band and put out an ep called "newbery metal"

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

I think if your mom dies at a hospital the least the hospital can do is give you a shirt that says "my mom died at [hospital] and all I got was this crappy shirt and all her medical bills"

biscuit_tornado, 6 months ago to random

I think a lot of coastal folks don't think much about the midwest but guys it is fucking bleak here. small pockets of reason in a sea of obedient christian soldiers and they all have the guns and watch fox news like it's church for shut-ins

biscuit_tornado, 1 year ago to random

maybe dave matthews' tour manager had heard of the tradition of putting stuff in the chicago river for specific celebrations and things just got a little confused

biscuit_tornado, 1 year ago to random

hey come back I'm not done being insufferable at you yet

biscuit_tornado, 9 months ago to random

you have to admit it'd be kind of funny if trump croaked of natural causes before he even got to his third arraignment

biscuit_tornado, 6 months ago to random

they call it "agile" but I have never been more constrained by deadlines and confusing reporting structures. either we're not doing it right or the whole thing is horseshit

biscuit_tornado, 6 months ago to random

me, watching turkey deep frying experiments go horribly wrong on social media: it's almost like there are things that maybe we shouldn't dip in boiling oil. indoors. on a rickety platform. while drunk

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

you think it's bad that we're in the universe where simpsons porn is a thing. where is your empathy for the universe where it's hagar the horrible porn instead

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

my favorite misspelling of all time is any time someone typos "brain" as "brian"

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

I don't mean to brag, but guess who's getting emails from taco bell to "come back"

biscuit_tornado, 1 year ago to random

dangerous how close "vote" is to "vore" when you're a) writing a post encouraging ppl to vote and b) typing on a phone quickly with less than helpful autocorrect tendencies

biscuit_tornado, 1 year ago to random

the earnest young man in the suit at the doctor's office today inexplicably chose me to talk with about crypto and seemed crestfallen when I said I would rather scramble my forebrain with a rusty nail than continue the interaction

biscuit_tornado, 10 months ago to random

evidently when talking with phone scammers, I become my dad, full evil mode on, and there's something about that that I'd think he could appreciate

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

my favorite way to prepare for shitposting is to cultivate a low-grade fever. my brain is simmering for your enjoyment

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

if you tell someone "congratulations!!" and they say "no" then that is a power move nearly on the scale of answering someone's introduction with "I know who you are" and nothing else

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

not a fan of CVS's vaccine scheduling system, which sends you a confirmation email but stops there, leaving pharmacy staff bewildered when you show up at the time on the email and say "vaccine pls"

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

you can hold the distilled wisdom and stupidity of the entire internet in the palm of your hand but the tradeoff is that it's constantly snooping on you to increase marketing efficiency

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

my mom asked that we have no memorial service for her, and in keeping with the way life went for her, her wishes were ignored by the funeral home and we're having the service next week elaborate shrug

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

sometimes a time vortex will open and I'll find myself explaining to my 14yo self how things are going currently in easy to understand terms, like "oh I found out about the latest mass shooting from an alert on my portable hand computer" and he just bursts into terrified tears

biscuit_tornado, 1 month ago to random

the jurors in the trump case have the opportunity to disqualify themselves in the funniest fucking way if they answer "what is your opinion of donald trump" with "oh that guy's a piece of shit" while looking right at him