biscuit_tornado

biscuit_tornado, 18 hours ago to random

we regret to inform you that "kink night" at first presbyterian was an ineffective outreach tool and has been canceled

biscuit_tornado, 18 hours ago to random

I am "dreamed I went to a swinger's club and left early to go home and sleep instead" years old

biscuit_tornado, 20 hours ago to random

taco bell branded edible underwear ain't the absolute worst idea I ever heard, but it's up there, for sure

biscuit_tornado, 4 days ago to random

you could put a voice chip in a suction-cup dildo that just says "china" and "secure the border" and "liberal agenda" and it could win the indiana republican gubernatorial primary. congrats to mike braun who has less of a platform and far less personality than the dildo

biscuit_tornado, 4 days ago to random

after years of short-form video popularity, I break into a cold sweat when I see one that starts out with a white lady's well-manicured hands over a kitchen counter, reaching for ingredients that Should Not go together

biscuit_tornado, 14 days ago to random

my parents had a chow that barked at snow, growled at me if I put a hat on and wagged her tail immediately upon hat removal, and loyally hung out with my dad every day of his early retirement

my dad -- a lifelong republican until 2016 -- somehow never entertained the possibility of taking her to a gravel pit and executing her, and in fact might have gotten into a fistfight with anyone who suggested this

biscuit_tornado, 14 days ago to random

I'm not going to say conclusively that bringing back those little customizable finger skateboards would solve all our problems but I'm not not saying that

biscuit_tornado, 14 days ago to random

the thing about trying to write dystopian fiction is that things are so stupid now that you might wind up starting a cult when you get it exactly right

biscuit_tornado, 21 days ago to random

happy weed day to fellow central-state hoosiers, by the time you make the 2 hour drive to a dispensary, all the good stuff will be gone, and if you have a plug then for fuck's sake tell me how to find one

biscuit_tornado, 21 days ago to random

I want to paint a giant pride flag on the top of our car, make the horn play the chorus of cher's "believe" and reenact stunt jumps from the dukes of hazzard, just to make bo duke furious

and also because the bridge is out on a country road I usually drive and it would save time to just ramp over it

biscuit_tornado, 25 days ago to random

the jurors in the trump case have the opportunity to disqualify themselves in the funniest fucking way if they answer "what is your opinion of donald trump" with "oh that guy's a piece of shit" while looking right at him

biscuit_tornado, 1 month ago to random

someday I may still meet chris isaak and I'll have to debate whether I can tell him about the time I farted and it sounded exactly like the slide guitar bit from "wicked game"

biscuit_tornado, 1 month ago to random

someday I'm gonna make an "indiana grocery store bingo" card and the free square will read "retiree carrying a firearm" bc I see it every fucking time I go

biscuit_tornado, 1 month ago to random

I know that pete townshend put a lot of work into "eminence front" but for the first few decades of my life I just called it the "livin' in a butt" song because that's what I heard in my head

biscuit_tornado, 1 month ago to random

"my dinner with andre" should have been "my dinner with batman" just so I could hear wallace shawn say "should we look at the dessert menu, batman?"

biscuit_tornado, 2 months ago to random

the ac unit in this room is putting out the hottest grooves I have ever fucking heard an appliance make

biscuit_tornado, 2 months ago to random

when I was a kid, I wanted to be an archeologist because I enjoyed the idea of unearthing things long buried, so I grew up to be depressed and own several animals who shit in a box and bury their poop

biscuit_tornado, 2 months ago to random

when you're at a funeral and the minister opens prayer by calling god "papa," then you should brace yourself for a truly batshit tour de force

biscuit_tornado, 2 months ago to random

I'm writing my own obituary because it's highly likely around here that I will see someone wearing those ridiculous sneakers and I won't be able to stop laughing while they club me to death

biscuit_tornado, 2 months ago to random

my ex-wife has informed us that she will be at my mom's memorial service, and part of me is looking forward to it because I almost want to see if the urn starts spinning out of spectral rage when she crosses the threshold

biscuit_tornado, 2 months ago to random

I think mma fights would be a lot cooler. if they didn't punch heads and just sat in the ring doing bong rips and listening to sublime

biscuit_tornado, 2 months ago to random

sometimes a time vortex will open and I'll find myself explaining to my 14yo self how things are going currently in easy to understand terms, like "oh I found out about the latest mass shooting from an alert on my portable hand computer" and he just bursts into terrified tears

GrimmReality, 2 months ago to random

The CDC says that it is not in love, so don't forget it, it's just a silly phase it's going through.

biscuit_tornado, 2 months ago to random

my mom asked that we have no memorial service for her, and in keeping with the way life went for her, her wishes were ignored by the funeral home and we're having the service next week elaborate shrug