biscuit_tornado

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

"why don't you believe in god anym--" well about eight years ago, most of the ppl who spent my entire life telling me that I should be humble and shouldn't cheat or steal or hoard wealth wholeheartedly endorsed a guy who was the antithesis of all that for president and had the audacity to tell me god picked him

and when I pointed this out, oh boy did they ever get MAD

so I said, "oh! so that was all bullshit!" and dear reader, life suddenly made a lot more sense

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

me, seeing a tiktok start with a white person in a really nice kitchen: something very bad is about to happen to food

biscuit_tornado, 6 months ago to random

there's nothing an evangelical hates more than an ex christian that's lost their faith, because none of the tricks work on them and they know all the lingo. it's like a pro wrestler who decides kayfabe is bullshit

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

Pokémon released into the wild have issues reintegrating into their native habitat after having been trained exclusively for battle, I'd bet

biscuit_tornado, 6 months ago to random

I grew up weird in the country, which is practically a villain origin story

biscuit_tornado, 25 days ago to random

the thing about trying to write dystopian fiction is that things are so stupid now that you might wind up starting a cult when you get it exactly right

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

me, watching turkey deep frying experiments go horribly wrong on social media: it's almost like there are things that maybe we shouldn't dip in boiling oil. indoors. on a rickety platform. while drunk

biscuit_tornado, 8 months ago to random

the internet is often an ocean of shit but there are oases of wonder and delight that keep me coming back, and before you ask: yes, I did verify the plural of oasis before posting this

biscuit_tornado, 6 months ago to random

I have a bluesky account and while I like seeing my old twitter friends there, I don't get nearly the same engagement as mastodon. it kind of feels like I walked into one of those clubs where they don't make drinks, but they put vapor in flasks for you to inhale or something

biscuit_tornado, 6 months ago to random

I don't know how to explain to you that if you don't care about other people, the other people might eat you someday

biscuit_tornado, 6 months ago to random

this seems. not good

https://therecord.media/class-action-lawsuit-cars-text-messages-privacy

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

maybe integrating flaky data models with key infrastructure wasn't the best idea, corporate america

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

"sure would be a shame if a brick came in through the window of your shop, bounced off that hanging lantern, landed on this spoon collection and sent one flying to hit you in the, uh, fuckin eye"

• Rube Goldberg, protection racketeer

biscuit_tornado, 1 year ago to random

here is the church
where intolerance lingers
so let me present
my two middle fingers

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

here's the thing about the moms for liberty couple -- these people desperately want to do thing. thing is wrong according to xtian indoctrination. they can't handle that they want thing anyway so they throw themselves into a fucking crusade all out of repression and self-shame.

I'm so tired of other people's goddamn religious hangups becoming my problem

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

you think it's bad that we're in the universe where simpsons porn is a thing. where is your empathy for the universe where it's hagar the horrible porn instead

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

bad news, all - I got up this morning and saw my shadow so we have six more weeks of 2023, or I think that's how that works

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

if you're american by marriage you automatically get the right to do a "yee-haw." that's one of the few rights left to you as a naturalized citizen so flex that shit

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

what is it about me that tells people that I would relish their proximity when they're choosing a seat in the waiting room

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

when I was a kid, I wanted to be an archeologist because I enjoyed the idea of unearthing things long buried, so I grew up to be depressed and own several animals who shit in a box and bury their poop

biscuit_tornado, 1 month ago to random

the jurors in the trump case have the opportunity to disqualify themselves in the funniest fucking way if they answer "what is your opinion of donald trump" with "oh that guy's a piece of shit" while looking right at him

biscuit_tornado, 6 months ago to random

all the old gods are blood and fire; where are the gods for the people who just want things quiet for a little while, maybe a nap here and there

biscuit_tornado, 25 days ago to random

my parents had a chow that barked at snow, growled at me if I put a hat on and wagged her tail immediately upon hat removal, and loyally hung out with my dad every day of his early retirement

my dad -- a lifelong republican until 2016 -- somehow never entertained the possibility of taking her to a gravel pit and executing her, and in fact might have gotten into a fistfight with anyone who suggested this

biscuit_tornado, 11 days ago to random

we regret to inform you that "kink night" at first presbyterian was an ineffective outreach tool and has been canceled

biscuit_tornado, 5 months ago to random

you can hold the distilled wisdom and stupidity of the entire internet in the palm of your hand but the tradeoff is that it's constantly snooping on you to increase marketing efficiency