jackdaw_ruiz

jackdaw_ruiz, 11 months ago to random

i can't be the only person that looks at incoming emails and loudly says "shut up" at my screen,

but i'm reasonably confident i'm the person on earth who does this the most.

ray, 11 months ago to random

I saw this the other day and for some reason immediately thought of @jackdaw_ruiz, then decided against posting it for some reason. I thought "I dont know, that's awfully specific." But you know what, I was right.

jackdaw_ruiz, 11 months ago to random

me: ah dang it, my sheep stuck her head through a gap in the fence and got stuck again.

some prick: uhhh, sounds like a ewe problem, buddy.

jackdaw_ruiz, 11 months ago to random

i am no longer saying the fediverse is like email. from now on the fediverse is a lot that turkish neighborhood of uncompleted mini-castles.

it was supposed to be one beautiful-but-unrealistic thing, and instead it's a different broken-and-hilarious thing, and if anyone lives there you have to assume they were driven into the hills for being unable to exist in polite society.

jackdaw_ruiz, 11 months ago to random

ominous romhack titled Papal Mario

jackdaw_ruiz, 11 months ago to random

funfact: Grimace from McDonalds actually coined the phrase "sloppy toppy" in a commercial back in the mid 90s when they introduced a new, more secure to-go cup for milkshakes.

Ronald was in a plane with Birdie, the bird pilot, doing loops and not spilling a single drop of milkshake from the improved new cup.

and then Grimace waddled in like "give me some sloppy toppy" and got a really wet bj from The Hamburglar.

y'all are lucky I am around and remembering this shit from like 1994.

jackdaw_ruiz, 11 months ago to random

the average mastodon foss enthusiast is capable of looking at any post and keenly detecting up to a dozen questions that nobody fuckin asked.

alex, 11 months ago to random

why are we running PR for a fictional fascist empire

jackdaw_ruiz, 11 months ago to random

i want a never-online video game. i want a game that folds its arms and impatiently taps its toes until i get off the fucking internet before playing it.

jackdaw_ruiz, 11 months ago to random

eventually Pat Buchanan is gonna die, causing a bunch of people over a certain age start laughing and celebrating.

but for me the funniest part is when the Zoomers are gonna go to his Wikipedia entry for a quick rundown and see sections like "when Pat was Communications Director in the Reagan White House, he transparently used his position to shield Nazi war criminals from extradition in both America and abroad."

he's such a tidy personification of how things HAVE been this bad for a while.

jackdaw_ruiz, 11 months ago to random

:google: "big mug"

:google: "big mug" +pics

:google: "big mug i'd love to chug."

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

man in a fursuit looking like a blue eyed siberian huskey standing at a podium and promising that a "Floof and Heckin'ciliation" commission will get to the bottom of these accusations.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

i'm living proof that you can be online 18 hours a day, every day, and happily have no idea who these awful youtubers are.

like i understand some greasy little gremlin man with a name like RobSnackxx or iDollar or Grumples may have an entire lucrative career based on sitting in a bisexual lighting bedroom and saying the world's absolute worst shit into a webcam for hours on end. but also there's no actual reason to be aware of them short of deliberately seeking that world out.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

. . . implies the existence of a Lyftmensch.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

tired of installing supposed "deck builder" games and none of them are about the white-knuckle action of getting a permit approved by the city, purchasing some lumber, and making a badass deck in time for summer cookout season.

fucked up. it keeps happening.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

the thing nobody says about the debt ceiling is that it's covered in that bullshit plaster popcorn texture.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

CW PURPLE BLUR

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

i hope The Doohickey that took out Shinzo Abe is eventually surpassed by other more ridiculous contraptions. it would be a boon to us all if some head of state were giving a televised speech and the camera spotted a lone dude advancing from the side holding the board game Mouse Trap with a brick of C-4 attached.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

the fragile weapon durability in those Zelda games is a clever design choice to make the Switch itself feel more robust in comparison.

anyway, just a reminder for your annual joy con replacement!

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

at any given time 1/4 of consumer electronics on the market are just pranks. curved televisions? folding phones? electric compost machines? all practical jokes.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

a lifetime of playing isometric tactics video games has rendered me an absolute genius of warfare, able to lead soldiers to victory under any circumstances so long as i'm able to set up a very tall ladder and look down at the battlefield diagonally,

and everyone promises to attack each other one-at-a-time.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

an awful knock on effect of movies being so dark and muddy now is that the image extra-fucking-sucks on most streaming services.

it's rough watching something that is supposed to be a suspenseful, dark, spooky scene in an already-too-dark movie on Netflix and the entire thing is an array of black video compression noise.

just two shit tastes that taste shit together.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

frankly it's unrealistic that discussions about 90s pop culture sex icons rarely include Lisa Loeb.

jackdaw_ruiz, 1 year ago to random

a couple weeks ago i replied to someone on here and they asked if it was "another one of [my] bits" and i've been concerned ever since that folks don't realize i have been 100% serious about everything this whole time.