@seanwithwords@mstdn.social
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

seanwithwords

@seanwithwords@mstdn.social

pronouns: he/she/they/poet. i am a writer, spoken word performer, activist, and teacher. #ActuallyAutistic creative writing their own path. Descriptions of Images: Header is a setting (or rising?) sun, with orange sky and a rusty pink cloud formation. The profile pic is one of me, wearing glasses and dark shirt, framed by an opened laptop and a to-go cup of coffee. Taken at Good Brothas Cafe in Harrisburg, PA.

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pathfinder, to Autism
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

Burnout is a bitch. I think all of us who have experienced it, or are experiencing it, will agree with that. But, how it presents and how long it maintains its hold over us, seems to be as variable as so much else about us.

I can now recognise the many times I have experienced burnout in my life. Each one marked by my constant refrain of, "I'm just tired" and with me doggedly plodding on with my life as best I could. Even now, in the deepest and longest burnout of my life, I am still doing the same.

Of course, I at least know to try and pace myself now. To let the unimportant things slide until their time comes and to spread out what has to be done, to the best of my ability. I know to dedicate time to self-care, to rest and recreation and to acknowledging my needs as an autistic person. This much, realising you are autistic can teach you. It can also help you to spot the signs of burning out sooner and hopefully mitigate its effects that way.

When that's possible, of course. For what caused my current burnout was unfortunately a series of overlapping events that I could not avoid, or do anything about. It was almost as if life chose to keep throwing things at me, each more intense and impossible to avoid, until I broke. But then life can be like that sometimes.

Autistic burnout is, of course, different from normal burnout, in what causes it and how it presents. It is, more often than not, a breakdown of our ability to cope with the demands being placed on us and not with how much we can carry. We are used to carrying insane loads and with having to work so much harder than most other people, just to keep putting one foot in front of the other through life. In fact, I know that I never really rest, not even now. My life is one long and continuous assessment and checking on whether the routines I have in place are being maintained. Whether I have done everything, on what needs to be done and finding new ways to blames myself for why it hasn't been done yet. There is no such thing as not working as far as my brain is concerned. And because I never stop, I don't know how to stop. How to heed the signals of tiredness and exhaustion and how to not knuckle down and continue anyway. It has been the story of my life. In work and everywhere else, always push, push, push.

And perhaps this is why autistic burnout is so common and possibly even inevitable. The sheer effort that life already is. The constant raggedy edge we walk just to get through a day and how in doing this day after day, all we end up doing is teaching ourselves to ignore the warning signs and that our needs are even important. And end up learning instead, that all that really matters is the next plodding step, no matter the load we are already carrying.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic beautifully written

"...a series of overlapping events I could not avoid..." - thats it. no matter how vigilant we are, we're going to experience burnout

common ways it affects me (telling me it's Autistic burnout & not "work burnout," etc) include losing my sense of time, increased dyspraxia, depressive thoughts, restlessness & cognitive confusion

checking in with ourselves is so crucial

sending you the good good vibes as you protect your way thru these days ✊

Sci_Fi_FanGirl, to actuallyautistic German
@Sci_Fi_FanGirl@hessen.social avatar

Too many upcoming social events. Although most of it is rather positive, I already feel overwhelmed.

I fear not being able to accomplish everything I feel I need to do.

There will be huge gatherings and I dread sensory overload and meltdown.

I don't know when/how to clean the house the day (before) some friends are coming over.

I feel I haven't worked enough this weekend and don't know how to complete everything work-related on time.

Please: no advice, just sympathy.

@actuallyautistic

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @actuallyautistic sending good vibes ❤️❤️❤️

Ilovechai, to actuallyaudhd

I don't have the spoons to explain why I feel my neurodivergence is making this worse, but I need feedback or insight from other ND people on a unique experience. This will be a long thread (added in replies) but I'm hopeful there will be a few kind readers who either relate or have something supportive to share.
Here goes:
1/
@actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd


seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@Ilovechai @actuallyautistic @actuallyaudhd I’m so sorry this is happening. I’m super biased against religion. I belonged to my church’s youth group as a teen so I’m a bit familiar with that

Navigating community conflicts like those seem REALLY tough for us, i guess bc of the overlapping details. I’ve been trying to find/join/glom onto communities recently & I try to go in with zero expectations & 💯 self compassion, and I’m finding slow success in bits

pathfinder, to Autism
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

I've just finished watching the first series of "A kind of spark" on BBC iPlayer. Although, this is not about this excellent show. Rather, it's about the struggle I had with watching it and why it took me two attempts to get through it.

The fact is, that found it quite triggering. Now I know it's about, and probably made for, teenagers and the struggles they go through at school and especially being autistic and at school. And even though school was a very long time ago for me and in another age of man. I still couldn't help comparing it to my own experiences and not just in school, but throughout my life, and how much similarity I could see. Not, in the details, obviously, but in the way I would constantly run afoul of people, or somehow be on their wrong side of someone, even before we'd properly met. The sheer pettiness of some of it and the hurt it so often caused me, as much by my not understanding it, as by the unfairness of it. Of how many toes I'd stood on, without meaning to, or even knowing I'd done it and how much of my life I'd actually spent bewildered and upset by the situations I would find myself in and the actions I couldn't understand of the people around me.

Of course, no-one, least of all myself, knew that I was autistic back then, because that would probably have made it much worse. But knowing I am autistic now, at least gives me an understanding of why some people might have reacted this way. How, in some ways, at least, I've never really behaved in the ways that others might find appropriate, to their position, or status, or sense of worth. How socially blundering my way through life, of necessity, includes many toes I could step on and people who could be offended.

But, of course, understanding this now, doesn't really ease the memories. Neither of the pain I did cause, without meaning to, or the pain I received. It doesn't make the life I've had easier, only easier to understand.

And that, in a sense, is what this show made me have to face. That no matter how privileged my life has been. How much easier I've had it, compared to so, so, many others. It's never been easy. There have only been moments, brief and sometimes, admittedly, not so brief periods where my life seemed to make sense and I felt, if not entirely in control, at least in somewhat of a comfort zone. That I was OK and that I could just get on with doing things my way and just being myself. Not without cost, of course, normally in hard, unremitting, work and effort. In often struggling with feelings of guilt and shame about how selfish I was having to be. Because, that was what carving out my own world felt like. Not necessary, or even justified, but selfish and almost petty of me.

And then, of course, there would always be something that would intrude from the outside world. As often, as not, something petty and officious that would dump me back into the turmoil and uncertainty. Because, you can never really isolate yourself from the world, as much as some of us would love to. And so much of this world really isn't made for us. It will always be hard and there will always be those who delight in making it harder. Those who are truly petty and selfish, in the ways that we aren't, and others who will try to use that hate to benefit themselves. It's why carving out our safe spaces will always be difficult, but also, so very necessary.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic thank you for sharing this perspective. I was on the fence about watching it (using a new app can be, all by itself, an overwhelming proposition) but I think I want to now.

the self reflection/auditing of my life with this new knowledge can be difficult. I dont want to "dwell on the past" but it's important for me to understand my own story, especially bc I spent so much of my life very intentionally pushing parts of myself and my own story way down

LehtoriTuomo, to actuallyautistic
@LehtoriTuomo@mementomori.social avatar

I've been trying to understand what it means that an autistic brain is bombarded with so much information. We spent some time at our summer cottage and I think I got some insight in this.

Instead of seeing the lake in front of my eyes, everywhere I looked I saw a detail. Its size would vary but it would still be a detail. A swan there, its partner there, no leaves on that tree yet, what a cool pattern on the small waves, what does it look like when I move my eyes this way, or that way, a car on the opposite shore, the shadow of the tree, I wonder what seagulls those are etc. A new detail with every single glance.

At the same time my attention tried to keep track of the dog and listened to birds singing and bumblebees flying around.

Now I wonder what it feels like just to see the lake.

@actuallyautistic

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic possibly related - my therapist recently suggested an energy-protecting coping strategy for when I'm out in public. she asked me to imagine my aura and then imagine myself reaching/pushing to its edges around me. this requires sort of psychic-ly interacting with my surroundings. when I did that for the first time, I was floored by my awareness of a sense of the "everything" about where I was. it felt electric

I'm trying to use meditation to strengthen that sense

seanwithwords, to acab
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

One of my colleagues was involved in a serious but simple mistake made by local police a couple of days ago, which ended with him being beaten and cuffed before being told he was “free to go”

This is going to sweeten his retirement situation quite a bit. He’s ok, and he got a lawyer involved immediately, and the cops have already been served

The irony is that he’s a terrible teacher and a terrible colleague. He’s the teacher the bad kids think is cool. But I’m finally rooting for him

autism101, to actuallyautistic
@autism101@mstdn.social avatar

Do you need routines but actually dislike them at the same time?

image: unknown
@actuallyautistic

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@autism101 @actuallyautistic I do like routines. sometimes I can't do them bc I'm tired or in a bad mindset, but I do like them, and when I find myself saying to myself, "hey, self, get yr shit together," that usually means, "go back to your successful routines, please."

I can often feel my body and brain trying to rush thru routines; I feel like my ADHD side is the devil on one shoulder, while the innocent angel on the other is my Autism, saying, "can we please just do this again?"

seanwithwords, to random
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

This may come as a surprise but there is not a single cover version of “The Rainbow Connection” that is better than Kermit’s original.

seanwithwords, to random
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

infuriating local news today.

"The gender identity policy will allow teachers to forego a student's preferred pronouns or chosen name and only call them by their birth name, as provided by the student's parents.

The policy will also mandate teachers to inform a student's parents if the student is requesting to be called by a different name or pronoun."

this is violence.

https://www.wgal.com/article/south-western-school-district-proposed-policies-on-gender-identity-books/60017126

ferngirl, to actuallyautistic
@ferngirl@det.social avatar

Dear fellow neurodivergent peeps / @actuallyautistic , I'd like to look deeper into - I'd love your input.

If you can recommend any books / art / music by Autistic people, I'd love to hear about it.

If there already is a resource for Autistic culture, I'd love to know about it. If there isn't one, I'll consolidate what I find here & elsewhere on my website / blog.

Please share, comment, link - I want to learn!

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@ferngirl @actuallyautistic Hannah Gadsby is one of my favorite Autistic creatives. Their standup as well as their memoir, "10 Steps to Nanette," are so good.

if you want to buy a book of poetry from an Autistic poet, check out my profile :) that poetry isnt exactly about being Autistic, but my next book will be. My work as a Spoken Word poet is also on instagram at @sean_poets - some reels and excerpts are there

thank you for asking this question! definitely saving this whole thread :)

sebwhatever, to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

I'm feeling a little low today. What are some things that you folx do to help yourselves out of a funk?

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@sebwhatever @actuallyautistic passive: listen to uplifting music or a positive-vibe audiobook.

active: go for a walk, play with my dogs, clean some minor clutter

interactive: go to a poetry event, let my partner take me socializing with her, find a fun rabbit hole online

GottaLaff, to random
@GottaLaff@mastodon.social avatar

This. Was excellent.

“Pundits suggest replacing President Biden as the Democratic nominee because they don’t understand the job of the presidency or how conventions work. Lawrence O’Donnell gives a history lesson in governing in the age of television.”

https://www.msnbc.com/the-last-word/watch/lawrence-on-what-they-don-t-tell-you-about-the-dump-biden-fantasy-204684869613

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@GottaLaff so, Biden can’t step aside because the DNC is too empty and unprepared to deal with any issue that doesn’t begin with “but Trump is fascist”?

That’s literally the argument. It just shows how the center in the US can twist anything into nuances of political strategy that all end with the same conclusion: keep old white men in power and don’t be concerned with actual issues when there’s polling data and status quo power struggles to consider.

Blah blah blah

olena, to actuallyautistic

I’ve heard today that people don’t form habits, they create routines.
I thought of my ‘useful habits’ - and yeah, right, they are routines.
But then I thought: well, what’s the difference then? What is a habit if NOT a routine?
Can anyone help me with examples of what may be a habit, but not a routine?

@actuallyautistic

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@olena @actuallyautistic I think routines consist of a series of repeatable events. A whole routine can become a habit but a habit to me is a self contained repeatable behavior that can be and is often “smaller” than a whole routine

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@Sci_Fi_FanGirl @arcana @actuallyautistic @anomaluridae @olena that workbook looks really interesting. I’ve been thinking lately about how masking and neuroplasticity might be connected, and I like doing focused work like that as context for self-auditing and other “inner” work. Have you used the workbook and if so, what did you think about it?

ashleyspencer, to random
@ashleyspencer@autistics.life avatar

One of my autistic traits is that I can’t lie. When asked direct questions, all that exists is the truth. My mind will draw a blank if there’s no truthful answer to the question, and my brain doesn’t even think of lies in the moment

I keep thinking about that interview. All interviews will go exactly like that one. I can’t lie and say my consulting gig was a real job, nor lie that my business is passive income when it’s not

I’d have to lie to get hired, and I can’t do that

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@ashleyspencer @alexisbushnell my values tell me that it’s 100% ok to lie to protect yourself from people in power trying to hurt or gatekeep you.

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@ashleyspencer @alexisbushnell it’s a lot. I’ve been putting this whole thing thru my brain for the past several minutes trying to figure it out. I think I can only lie effectively in the moment as a response…yeah if I plan it, I can’t pull it off. Usually I just end up contriving a thing to say that avoids having to lie or be completely honest. All of it — either which way, is a lot of work

rbreich, to random
@rbreich@masto.ai avatar

The number of workplace strikes in America hit a 23-year high last year.

The number of workers on strike jumped nearly 300% from 2022.

It’s a historic moment for the labor movement.

Workers are done letting billionaires and corporations hoard all the wealth and power.

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@rbreich now if we can only convince the patriarchal political system to stop letting billionaires and corporations hoard all the wealth and power.

or are we just about burdening the working class with trying to fix an intensely corrupt situation?

zalasur, to PCGaming
@zalasur@mastodon.surazal.net avatar

Today on No Man's Sky: Omaga Update, we got our freighter! It's a C-class but it flies!

We traded in our starter ship for a B class shuttle but I need to make some money to continue trading up. I'd prefer a fighter or maybe one of those exotic class ships I've seen hanging around the star bases.

This afternoon we'll continue the Artemis story line and see how far we get!

https://video.surazal.net/w/9HhmDj1WqnkgTzvXKsVKka




seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@zalasur I haven’t started the new expedition as I’m still getting my bearings with the game….i started playing about 3 weeks ago. I don’t know what you mean w yr references but it sounds fun! 🤗

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@zalasur I'll admit to following the game before it came out and then not buying it on Steam bc of the early reviews. but recently I noticed I could upgrade my xbox subscription and get it, so I tried that out and now I cant stop playing it.

currently trying to separate myself from the endless missions and just explore, but that is proving pretty tough lol

nettle, to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

Do you have an easier time taking care of the needs of others than yourself?

If so, do you have (or know of) any theories for why you work that way?

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@nettle @actuallyautistic when someone close to me is suffering, I try to find ways to help. When I am suffering, I start to work to talk myself out of it, mostly bc either I don’t trust my own feelings (they are invalid; unnecessary; not worth discussing etc) or I don’t want to interrupt the lives of people around me. I’ve survived by not disturbing others.

vger, to actuallyautistic

I think I'm done with watching real competitive team sports. I've always had problems with excitement when watching my favorite team play. I've watched yesterdays super bowl, my team being the 49ers. My heart was racing the whole game and it was impossible for me to control my temper in any way, I was stimming like crazy the whole time. Regardless of my team losing, I did not get anything positive out of that experience. I just felt miserable the whole game.

@actuallyautistic

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@vger @actuallyautistic fwiw...

as a lifelong Bills fan, I feel your pain & I can sympathize with those feelings. one thing that really helped me, which I started doing last year, was to detach and try to watch the games as episodes of a series I enjoy rather than things that mattered all on their own. so when they play bad or just lose, I can say, "well, that episode was trash," & I somehow dont feel as bad

I felt like I had to switch things up if I wanted to keep saying I "enjoy" the game

johncormier, to random

A couple of months ago, I read something on here that quite literally changed my life. It sent me on an unexpected journey of self-discovery that continues to this day. When you’re 54, you don’t expect too many surprises about who you are. But when I read a thread on here about being autistic, something just clicked. So I went down the rabbit hole, read a bunch of articles, did some self-evaluations, and came to the inescapable conclusion that I am autistic.

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @johncormier @btaroli I feel like I’ve been in a constant state of transition for the last year and a half. Discovering my autism has led me to start questioning everything, including how I relate to gender and sexuality.

I feel like the Autistic approach to masking is so methodical and holistic that we (or maybe just me) become very efficient at pushing down everything at its root. Now that I know what I did, I want to undo it ALL lol

EVDHmn, to actuallyautistic
@EVDHmn@ecoevo.social avatar

@actuallyautistic
A thread

Would you be interested in contributing content or develooment of an online community project?

A brainstorm session to start out. This would be an Neurodivergent for neurodivergent allies and creators to raise awareness.

Here’s why I realized even though I have it tough there are plenty of people out there doing worse. So I’ve been trying to raise awareness locally, so far our semi backwards community is moving forward.

Reply below if interested
Cheers

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @EVDHmn I’m really invested in learning about and expanding what’s available for late identified people for whom masking became so strong. Unraveling the mask from the neurodivergence from the trauma, etc.

And diving into related topics like intimacy, lasting friendships, parenting, etc - I think you’re 100% right on the dearth of information and insight out there, which would really make people feel less isolated

sebwhatever, to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic

Where else online do you hang out with other folx?

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@actuallyautistic @sebwhatever I’m active-ish on some subreddits but I wouldn’t say it’s a “hang out” vibe. This is the only social media space where I’m fully open about being Autistic, where it’s a primary part of my identity and the community. I like being able to compartmentalize spaces. Most of my friends on insta are poets, most of my friends on FB are family/colleagues, and I don’t use the blue bird anymore.

olena, to queer

Which flavor of #neurodivergent is inability to feel belonging to any group? I think, I finally got why I don’t get that #gender thing. Basically, a gender is just another cohort, with some assumed properties. A group one feels belonging to. And I have never felt as a part of any group. I never fit in. Each cohort is supposed to have certain properties, and I just never have all. I just feel like impostor in any, including any gender/sexuality groups, including #agender #queer #nd #AuDHD

seanwithwords,
@seanwithwords@mstdn.social avatar

@btaroli @actuallyautistic @olena I just had a flash of an image of being able to interact with everyone primarily with ZERO sexual-orientation baggage and just as individuals and then seeing how that soul connection does or doesn’t develop on its own before even getting to the intimate options…and that image felt wonderful ❤️

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