Folgende Frage ist mir beim Online-Dating begegnet. Natürlich habe ich diese auch gewisslich gewissenhaft und in absolut extrem bescheidener, eben meiner grandiosfamoslich puscheliggrün krasscoolen mikeepischen Art und Weise beantwortet … doch lies gerne selbst ((8
Kiddo was complaining about difficulties #dating and meeting people in this era and that #GenX had it way easier. She bemoaned playing the dating app game; told me how much harder it is for #GenZ.
So, I told her about Personals Ads and how you’d get a bunch of letters with or without photos in response to your ad and you’d then have to respond with a letter or a phone call to those you wanted to meet. It took time to get a date that way!
She decided our analog dating program was much worse. 😏
Szukałem jednej aplikacji na #fdroid i trafiłem na takie coś. Czyżby ktoś zrobił #tinder.a open source? Używał ktoś tego?
Jako adres podają Niemcy, więc pewnie jakaś prywatności jest zachowana.
Jeśli to rzeczywiście open source, to pewnie siedzą tam same nerdy 😋, a kobiet jak na lekarstwo.
Co o tym sądzicie?
Alovoa (Open-source online dating application)
Alovoa | F-Droid - Free and Open Source Android App Repository
This is a question that I ask myself often, probably because of the trauma I suffered.
I believe this concern about whether I am an asshole comes from innumerable times when I was unjustly labeled an asshole. Over time, I internalized the accuser’s voices, and now I ask myself whether I am, in fact, an asshole.
Let me tell you a little story. About two weeks and a half ago, I had a great date with a submissive girl. She was about all I wanted in a partner. She was autistic, like I am. Her autistic traits were different from my own. We had a wonderful weekend together. When I asked her how she felt, she said that she felt content. These were her words.
At the end of our date, a crisis happened in her family. Her family is not anywhere nearby. Still, it was a serious situation. The last I heard from her was that she had arrived home safely. Then, she went silent. I have not heard from her since our date. Is she okay? Is the crisis over? Did she travel several states away to be with her family? I have no idea.
When things like this happen, my mind goes into high gear. She was content. I gave her my all. I was kind. Still… did I… did I manage to put her off somehow? Did I do something that I did not notice? Am I the asshole?
Lest you think that I’m being dramatic with the worry about doing things that I did not notice, I’ll remind you that I’m now divorced, due, mostly, to my ex-wife not being able to handle my autistic traits. If she was annoyed with me, she’d glare. I would not be able to read her glares. Then she’d accuse me of deliberately ignoring her glares. Conversely, I accuse her of imagining that she glared. Yes, I’m quite capable of unwittingly putting off people, even ND people. My ex-wife has ADHD.
I’d like to think that I would act superbly in all possible situation. Alas, I know that’s not the case. I have sometimes not acted superbly. I was not acting like a monster, but I still managed to hurt people around me, sometimes the very people that I adored. I’ve sometimes managed to be the asshole.
I think as a response to the trauma that I suffered, and the fact that I don’t always act superbly, my brain likes to compare my actual behavior to that of complete shitbags. I can’t help it. That’s how my brain works.
Let me give you an example. During the date with the girl above, we went to have coffee. We sat at a table, and we chatted for a bit and drank. She pulled out her phone, and started reading a manga. I’ve been in the NT world long enough to know that if she had been on a date with an NT individual, that person would have interpreted it as her not being interested in the date. For my part, I did not make a fuss. I just continued talking to her, and enjoying her company.
Something similar happened later when I proposed to watch a movie. She said she was reading. I thought she meant that she did not want to watch the movie. No biggie. A bit later, I suggested putting on a TV show, because I had figured that perhaps the specific movie I had picked was not titillating her. She said she was still reading but that I could put it on and that she had the ability to watch TV and read at the same time.
Fair enough, I don’t have this multitasking capability. Let’s go back to the episode at the coffee shop. Would it have served me anything to get angry? No. Both episodes, however, would have been likely to cause ire in an NT person. Yes, I compare my behavior to those of NT folks. Again, I can’t help it. I don’t decide to do this. It just happens. What I do decide to do is to not engage in those destructive behaviors.
I sometimes wonder if I am going to be the asshole, even in situations that haven’t happened yet. I’m pansexual, but I’ve been with exactly one man. He is trans too. We had a nice couple of days together, but prior to this happening, I was wondering… Would I say or do something to turn him off. I had never been in that situation before. So I was comparing myself, again, to dirtbags. Was I going to be the asshole when we’d be together?
I was once explaining to a group of people that someone had ghosted me after one night of sex, but that I had decided not to go after her. Those people took me to task immediately. Why would I even decide not to go after her, unless I were some sort of monster who does actually stalk people. Hmm… let provide an explanation. First, as I said above, I cannot help compare myself to dirtbags. I don’t decide this. Second, I’m a software engineer. I’ve actually done things that would allow me to stalk someone if I wanted to. Doing those things does not require mental effort. I’ve not stalked anyone, but I could super easily do it if I wanted to.
I have an expression for what those people did to me: karmic shaming. People think of karma as this special force, but it is really just the conditioning that we receive as we grow up. I have the karma of someone who compares himself to shitbags. I also have the karma of a software engineer. This is my conditioning. I cannot help it. Shaming me about having this karma is not helpful.
I’m usually not the asshole, but I keep asking myself, even in situations where I shouldn’t: am I, in fact, the asshole? Did I do something I did not notice?
Apps are mostly shit these days, and most of my #dating luck in the last few years has been down to the Fuck Referral Network. But if you're a dude who fancies some casual sex, how do you get women to recommend you to their mates?
A friend of mine is on the dating scene (straight dude)... I'm sad for him. The womens he's trying to meet all have this delusional idea that he's gonna pay them for their time and dinner date.... No. Just stop. Pay for your own shit you guys aren't together. Fuck this nonsense. I would never pay for my dates unless I offered and better not be expected.... Pay for your own damn thing girl and if you can't bye bye. Like wtf is wrong.... #dating#ottawa
"I’m bi and my wife is straight and so we’re both, broadly, talking to men on apps. One big, fat, throbbing truth has emerged: queer men are wittier and better at flirting than straight men."
The most joyous thing I've seen today is a man on TikTok extolling the merits of dating nerds such as himself:
"Don't feel like going out? Good. I usually don't. Why would I spend $120 on three drinks and a cover charge in a nightclub when for the exact same amount of money we can get the brand new Mario Kart, a bottle of tequila, Chinese takeout, and spend the entire night in our pajamas?"
Here are some dating tips, nothing grand, but can be useful.
Know how to say “I love you” in the #Filipino language because we have two for romantic relationships.
“Mahal kita” = This is your “I love you” in English. It can be used romantically or for family and relatives.
mahal = ma (as in “mama”) + hal (as in ha + L) which means “love”
kita = ki (as in ‘ki’ in “kit”) + ta (as in ‘ta’ in “tank”) which means “you”
“Iniibig kita” = This can be translated into English as “I deeply love you” or “I deeply desire you” or both; and should only be used romantically. You could say it is a poetic way of saying “I love you”, however, it is more than that.
iniibig = i-ni-i-big (i = as in the sound of saying the letter “e” = iihh) which means “[deeply] love”
Understand what “mutual understanding” or “m.u.” is.
It's actually simple. “Mutual understanding” is that stage wherein two people are already comfortable with each other, but are still not officially dating. Usually, they do not know they like each other; however, there are those who choose it because they are not sure yet (especially permission from parents).
If the person you like decides to be in an M.U. relationship, don't take it negatively. It is a sign that they are considering dating you, just that, there are still things they need to settle on their end. Give them some time.
You need to clarify your relationship.
Never assume that you are dating. I've seen “couples” who never made it clear and later was shocked the other partner finally have a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”. The surprised party felt “cheated” but in reality, no one cheated, they were never dating in the first place!
It is important to make your relationship clear.
Are you dating exclusively? “Exclusively”, meaning, there are no one else both parties are dating.
Or, are you in an “open relationship”? An “open relationship” is a relationship wherein you allow each other to have other dates.
Are you actually dating, M.U., or just friends?
Are you “officially” dating? “Officially”, meaning, both of your parents know (regardless if they agreed to it or not).
“PDA” or “Public Display of Affection”
This is publicly holding hands, hugging, kissing (cheeks, lips), being overly sweet with each other.
Filipinos are generally fine with it. If you don't like it, a Filipino date might misinterpret it as you not being proud of them. Thus, if it is not in your culture to show PDA, then make it clear with the Filipino you are dating, to avoid misunderstandings.
There are also some Filipinos who are not into PDA, so, you need to be open about it. And limits.
You are not just dating one person, you are dating the entire family.
Filipinos are family-centric. And when it comes to Filipino, be sure to treat their families well.
This is a good thing. If your partner is telling you what to do, it means they really want to date you.
That's just 5 when it comes to dating. Marriage proposal is a whole different matter. We have our own form “dowry”, although less practised today, it is still good to know, especially if the Filipino you want to marry is traditional. (They may not tell you anything because you're a foreigner, but deep inside they're expecting it.)
Anyone ever used Alovoa.com? I found their app in F-Droid and it seems like a great project. A privacy-respecting, donation-funded dating site, no fees or ads, all source code published. My only grizzle is that the app seems to open in Chrome, rather than being properly native, although they're apparently working on that.
Let us raise the average IQ of Filipinos by refusing to date and breed with Marcos apologists, Diehard Duterte Supporters (DDS), and Filipino-Americans who vote Republican.