So, one weird thing about parasocial relationships is that people feel familiar enough to make what seems to them to be fun, teasing comments with their Internet pal.
For the person on the other side of the relationship, it's yet another stranger with anger issues coming out of the ether to ruin their day.
Don't pretend to be someone you're not -- an angry person, a stupid person -- with people who don't know who you are. They can't tell that you're pretending, and will take you at face value.
@evan As an added perspective, people (mainly men) being "overly familiar" in work and social settings is something women have to deal with on the regular and it's actually a form of oppressive behaviour because of power imbalances and the unearned expectation that others will welcome all your advances (when really we're trying to deflect them in a way that won't bring retaliation). Being familiar with someone doesn't entitle you to intimacy with them, that's something that's created mutually by both parties and actually involves being sensitive and vulnerable not para-bullying behaviour (which some acting stupid jokingly stuff guys do, particularly to each other, actually kind of is....which is not to say that we can't have fun being silly, even sarcastically mean funny or bitingly camp, with each other if that relationship has been established and we know we mean each other no harm).
@evan This is excellent advice, and something that is surprisingly easy to forget. But we also have a problem societally where people just hate being genuine and it's exhausting online.
@evan Good advice. Even as I know that, I tend to forget I don’t know the real people behind the avatars I’m communicating with. Assuming they are, in fact, real people (which might be true in most cases), and it’s really a two-way-conversation (which it’s mostly not, let’s be honest).
Social media is a bit like strangers on the bus: even if you see some people regularly, you don’t know them, and they don’t know you. Just accidentally sharing half an hour of the day.
@evan i actually find this is pretty hard to do correctly, even in person! i can be "snappy" with people and some people find that hilarious and the conversations are frank and relaxed, and for some other people, I need to constantly dial this down to keep a healthy relationship! shifting this online is basically impossible :p so ground rule: just don't be an asshole and be kinder than you can ever be in person
@evan I think one of the problems with sarcasm on the internet is that it's not really based on vocal tone — you can tell because deadpan sarcasm is a thing. It's really based on the divergence between "what the person is saying" and "anything they'd ever seriously think or mean".
But you can only gauge the latter if you know the person. And there are so many people on the internet with so many wild opinions, you can no longer rely on outlandishness to make something "obviously sarcastic".
@submarine maybe you don't understand the point of the post.
Sometimes people make jokes by pretending to be mean, angry, or stupid. "This is what a mean person would say."
If you don't know the joke-maker, you don't know they're pretending. All you see is the angry words. That's all the evidence you have to make a judgement.
I'm going to change "rando" to "stranger". It seems to bother people.
@evan I think an obvious corollary of this is that if you're in an environment full of parasocial relationships (particularly if you're an 'influencer' with a lot of people following you) don't assume malice when 'misunderstood parasocial relationship' also fits well.
@fencepost right, but "misunderstood parasocial relationship" isn't really that great, either. Having a person you don't know say mean shit to you over and over because they don't know they shouldn't is not a good alternative.
@evan some practices from irl just don’t translate. And when that is the case, instead of asking “but, why?", perhaps we should question whether they were ever so effective irl after all.
@morlando it's a test of affection. "I am going to say or do something you don't like, but because you know and like me, you will restrain yourself from getting angry or retaliating."
It's asking a lot of relationships. It means you've thought up something to do or say that will hurt or irritate me. You've figured out a way to do it without suffering consequences.
Testing relationships this way with reciprocal relationships is up to you. It doesn't work with parasocial relationships at all.
My anthro teacher talked about different people being close enough to have "a joking relationship" with each other. (It was mostly based on clan membership in his studies.)
Some student finally asked "Just what is a 'joking relationship'?". And the answer was basically "it means you can say things to each other that if anyone else said them there would be a fight." ....
@evan@morlando this is it exactly. It’s also some kind of weird superficial bonding ritual. You can put me down, but it’s ok, and I’ll do the same with you. No thanks.
@evan The implication is that we're too sensitive which in itself is an abusers mantra. You learn in school and training that when dealing with victims of violence, the most common refrain they've been told is "you're too sensitive". Its a great mechanism of control.
@evan I've noticed this a lot because of racial and gender issues. People tend to be more familiar or too formal with women and or minorities. At work white people will make comments about my age and appearance so often that I hear more comments about that than my work or talents. They also make comments about style or personality vs anything substantial. So off comments like my chair is older than you or do you live with your parents might seem friendly but it's alienating to the point of fear
@evan@Gargron This is solid advice. I’ve done this, it did not go well, and the apology will never land like the initial impression did, and I will forever regret it.
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