Okay, I'm thinking about gift giving today. A little backstory about why:
Every year my Father-in-law attempts to get my Mother-in-law a gift. She is a bit of a shopper, and is notoriously difficult to shop for. Every year he gets her something he guesses a woman would like (perfume, sweater, jewelry), and every year she doesn't really like it, and ends up begrudgingly using it or returns it. They have been married over 30 years, and seem to have a pretty good marriage otherwise. It's like she wants him to magically understand what she wants, and he is sort of equally bad at the whole thing too. I will never understand why they don't just have a conversation about this. Just for extra fun, she is the most bizarre gift giver, also, to the point that it has become an annual tradition that I show my friends what she got us. A small list of things we have gotten:
A couch cover with grapes on it
A sexy nightgown
A painting of the house they live in
A gourd painted to look like a cat eating a bird
A package of tea that I would have absolutely loved, stuffed with cheap tea bags
Children's Lego sets
Toy trains
Underwear that didn't fit either of us
A wooden board covered in seashells that is supposed to hold a curling iron
A waterproof bed cover
I could go on and on. Just to clarify this doesn't bother me or my husband at all, we actually get a kick out of the weirdness. I don't personally care about presents much, I'm more of an experiences person.
SO, if you've managed to get this far, how do you feel about gift giving/getting? Feel free to elaborate and give examples!
@RickiTarr@lisamelton At “this age,” there are very few gifts someone could possibly give me - unless they were filthy rich! “What do you really want for Christmas?” “A Ferrari, a Ducati, and a villa in Florence.” “Here’s some Godiva Chocolate….”
I’m with you - I’d rather get/give rather “experiences” than things. Of course - the experiences I want are also ridiculously expensive. :)
@mentallyalex@RickiTarr@lisamelton LOL Me and mine have never had a lot of money for expensive gifts so I was tickled pink when my ex bought me a 5 pack of very particular cigars I liked that were next to impossible to find here. She spent a couple hundred dollars on them and a humidor. 😳
And, because it was winter, she let me smoke them in the house (she liked the smell of a good cigar). It was the best week between Christmas and New Year I've ever had. ❤️
@mentallyalex@RickiTarr@lisamelton Except for the gift of a family that she (all too briefly) gave me, it was one of the best presents I’ve ever gotten! ❤️
What did I get her that year? A New York Cut Steak (that I cooked to medium rare perfection!). She had never had one so I splurged on a couple I bought from a real butcher shop.
The look on her face when she tasted that first perfect bite was priceless. ❤️
@mentallyalex@RickiTarr@lisamelton Oh yeah. I’m a good listener and a big fan of finding out those little things that someone has never had or experienced. It’s why I wanted to take her to Florence, Italy before Covid hit…..but then came the insanity that ensued followed by the pending divorce. 😢
@mentallyalex@RickiTarr@lisamelton I truly appreciate the sentiment. But sadly, I know my life - its history and its path. There’s no chance of anything different for me. I’m a prisoner of my circumstances and there’s no possibility of change.
Problem is, there’s NO WAY to meet new people. I’m in a very small town (4,000 people), I literally can’t afford to go out (I can barely pay rent, bills, and food. There’s no money for dating). Online dating is impossible - I can’t pay the services and I sure as hell can’t afford to go to the Big City to meet someone (I live on an island - it costs $60 plus gas for a round trip ferry ride)…
@mentallyalex@RickiTarr@lisamelton Rents here are astronomical. The shitty little basement studio dungeon I live in is so small that I can’t get into bed without closing the bathroom door. Sitting on my bed, I can touch the toilet. 😳 And yet I still pay 50% of my salary for rent.
I live with the mountains AND I’m surrounded by water. :)
(This pic is of the ferry you have to take to get back and forth to the city of Vancouver)
@mentallyalex@RickiTarr@lisamelton Thanks! I’m my better life, I’m an instructor of beginner photographers. So I’m only allowed to post my absolute best shots. :)
@RickiTarr I’m a very pick person about what I like. I have a very clear and specific aesthetic that I go for. High quality, simple, practical and preferably in shades of blue. But my absolute favorite gift was a huge, cheaply made tea pot that was way too thin to keep the tea warm. It was in the shape of 2 gorillas, in traditional Hawaiian dress, dancing the Tango! The spout was where their hands stuck out & the handle was a banana! It’s so ugly! When I opened the box, I laughed for an hour!!!
@samhainnight@RickiTarr it's like a few odd cookie jars I was given. I kept the cat one. Got rid of the Spock one and the Christmas tree one and a few others.
@samhainnight@RickiTarr since I gave it back to the person who gave it to me, he really wanted it! I had to look for pictures. There are so many variations. Sort of cheap clay stuff.
@RickiTarr
My Polish grandmother gave hysterical gifts. Nightgown the size of a tent. Half-used cold cream. Belt with a 25-cent rummage sale tag. Grampa's ugly old ties for my husband. Styrofoam fruit covered in sequins. A ratty old raccoon coat from the 1930s. Old hankies. Aftershave so old it had turned into vnegar.
One year, I gave her rose-shaped soaps. Next year, she gave them back to me.
@RickiTarr we have a separate Signal chat called "gifts". If we see anything we might like but aren't going to buy for ourselves, we share it in there. Makes things very easy come Christmas or birthday times
@RolloTreadway I definitely feel this, and I don't think it's just an autistic thing, but I get what you're saying. If you want something just tell me, especially in a world where you can basically get anything you want any time, I have no idea what people have or don't have. I think mostly people want to feel loved and appreciated and gifts are that for some people. I remember seeing women on Valentine's Day desperately hoping to get something from their SO and it always made me feel sad, my husband treats me with love and respect every day, so I don't need to single out one day of the year, but not everyone had that, so they were desperate to get anything.
@RickiTarr Reading other answers, I think part of my problem is: I can't do the 'I know what [recipient] likes so it's easy' thing. I don't know what anyone likes. Well, not in a present-giving way. My brother likes cars but I can't buy him a car. This is partly because none of us are close, but also just because... I don't understand them. Nor they me.
@RolloTreadway@RickiTarr oh, this is so recognizable! I really don´t like receiving gifts because I'm always interested in a few very specific things. I research them until I know exactly what I want. What people give as a present is of course never that, so it's awkward... Maybe I assume that other people work the same, so it's impossible to find a good gift for others :-(
@macumbamacaca@RickiTarr@RolloTreadway I’m the patient researcher; I throw candidates in the ‘save for later’ bins at eBay and AMZN and keep looking for better options while they simmer.
At the end of the year there’s always a few things that I’ve deliberately resisted the urge to splurge (or its iffy unless someone else is willing to fund it). Those go into the public Wish List.
Conversely, I ask others to send a wish list which I diligently research to match or exceed requirements and hopefully add something extra to add a ‘me style’ twist.
@vaughnsc@macumbamacaca@RolloTreadway It's interesting to me, that I've heard my whole life that men are terrible gift getters, but all the best best ones I know are men. I think it's just a personality thing.
My brother is a terrific shopper and his gift selection skills are amazing! His wife is the one who wraps to the degree that a gift is a work of art that you don't want to unwrap.
@RickiTarr I have an older family member who gives nothing but pop culture self help books. Which somehow manages to be both useless and slightly offensive at the same time.
Every Christmas, my partner gives me a book or a puzzle book with 10 or so post-it notes in it. Each one is an IOU for a dinner out, a foot rub, flowers, a holiday etc. I love it. Last Christmas he forgot to buy a book, so he used the puzzle book I was already doing! 😂😂😂
@RickiTarr I prefer spontaneous gifting when I see something I know a friend would love. We all have so/too much stuff so I also prefer to gift experiences rather than things. I’m not much for prescribed gifting.
Gift story: my daughter is deathly allergic to nuts. Every year my ex-MiL would gift her a bag of pecans for xmas. She thought I was making up the allergy.
My bestie's response to this story: "They should have her hand it over in person so the kid can look at her like Bambi eyes and say, "Grandma, why are you trying to kill me??" "
@RickiTarr@Mary625@violetmadder Just one - my daughter was 7ish and out to dinner with her dad’s family & (unfortunately) seated next to Grandma dearest. R was sleepy because it was late so folded her arms on the table to rest her head. MiL pulled her head up by her hair & scolded her.
When I heard about it, I was furious and gave some blunt warnings to ex-family. They were better behaved after that.
You have one of those, too? The banality of evil really is a thing, isn't it?
When the in-laws still gave gifts, they gave my deathly allergic son nuts and my daughter (then 11 or 12) underwear from Victoria's Secret that said "naughty" on the butt... embarrassing the hell out of her.
My then teenage oldest son was so mad he cut the undies to pieces, burned them, and sent the video of the destruction to MIL. I wasn't aware until afterwards, but my husband was mad at me over it.
I don't recall what they got the two other boys (for some reason two of my kids were acceptable to them and the other two not...no idea why and it was a thing since their births).
Some people are just jerks. I'll be thrilled to have grandkids, if that's in the cards someday. I'll be minding my behavior like crazy so I don't lose out with them.
If your kids and grandkids are in your life that's a huge privilege. They literally don't have to and living long enough to have kids/grandkids is also a massive gift.
@IntentionallyBLANK@RickiTarr My daughter has chosen to not be a parent and I fully support her decision. (Even though she gave me a gift certificate for grandchildren when she was 15 😉)
I am so glad that making this choice is more acceptable now than in the past. Neither of her grandmothers would have chosen children if they had the same opportunity.
Yeah, I'm not going there at all. No one wants to hear "so when do I get grandchildren??"
I figure one of them is bound to have kids, since there are four of them. But, it's not my business. If they're still talking to me in adulthood and healthy/happy that's more than enough. Demanding grandkids is just greedy.
It was kind of a jump scare. There was no warning so she opened that in front of everyone.
Yeah, MIL is super gross on multiple levels. No dementia, they've always been this way. Actually, that's stepMIL. Regular MIL is just pure evil (like have to go to court to deal with evil). That's the rough thing about divorce and remarriage -- extra inlaws 😂 The FILs aren't so bad, individually, but the one is a massive addict and the other is just evil MILs lackey.
So yeah, just a bunch of see you next Thursdays.
Grandparent-wise the kids really got the short end. My mom's there for them, though. No living aunts or uncles, either, though.
@IntentionallyBLANK@CuriousMagpie Yikes, that sounds like an absolute mess! Like I understand getting someone a joke gift, but you also get them a real gift, at least for kids, when everyone else gets something normal. That's just weird casual cruelty you're trying to gaslight people into thinking it's a joke. Also sexy underwear for an 11 year old, GROSSSSS
@RickiTarr Expectations make a chore out of something that should've been joyous....The guessing game takes too many brain cells and causes so much hurt if you inadvertently end up getting something dumb. I'm embracing my inner old Punjabi auntie and slipping all my nieces and nephews cash envelopes for gifts. For the grown ups, I ask them very directly as to what they want. And I share my wishlists before my birthdays :)
@Theorem_Poem It's hard to go wrong with that, when we were young and broke my hub's gran always gave us cash and we really appreciated that she realized we needed it.
@RickiTarr The ever-present "shagun da lifafa" to us Punjabis! (Shagun = auspicious offering ; lifafa = envelope). Just stuff some crisp banknotes into a pretty envelope and wear party clothes and voila, you're ready attend a wedding/ birthday/naming ceremony in the locality :D
@RickiTarr I am usually always observing and trying to figure out what the BF wants to get him something. Being DINKs, it means that we pretty much can get whatever we want … so gift giving is extra tough.
Our internal benchmark is when we make each other ugly cry because the gift is so good. For example: One year, I got the BF a photo collage of all the dogs we’ve shared our lives with. He saw it and just started crying … snot and all. He loves it to this day.
@RickiTarr A few years ago, I wanted gold hoop earrings, which Mr. Blue did not feel qualified to pick out. So instead, he gave me a gift certificate for a GOLD HOOP EXPERIENCE including shopping, one pair of gold hoop earrings of my choosing, plus dinner and drinks. This is what your father-in-law needs to do.
@RickiTarr well, I have family members that would expext gifts even if they say ‘no-no, no gifts for me this time’. I hate shopping for obligatory gifts. I sometimes forget buying gifts or forget to gift in time the ones I already bought and hid somewhere. That said, I absolutely love to give gifts - the ones I bought or made thinking ‘oh, they absolutely are going to love it!’ or ‘They totally need to try it! I wonder what’s going to be their reaction’, and can’t stop sometimes
I refuse to give any gifts on obligatory dates. I'm an anti-consummerist, minimalist, and live on very low income, so I consider "I must spend money on whatever it is" awful (I've also convinced most of my beloved ones into not buying me unnecessary things).
But, if I find something I consider a beloved one would like (and inside the currency range I can spend), I use to give it as a gift, no matter the date or time of the year.
@RickiTarr
> how do you feel about gift giving/getting?
I like to give gifts when I spontaneously come across something a friend of family member might like, and receive them on the same basis. But even though I understand their social value, I actively avoid ritualised gift-giving.
@RickiTarr
Partly because of my anti-consumerism biases. Partly because I'm very particular about the design and function of stuff I have. Partly because I've moved house (and city) so often over the years that I'm obsessively minimalist.
Gifts usually end up being clutter I have to deal with. So I avoid giving them to cut down on the number I get.
@RickiTarr this speaks to me. So my mum is a control freak and lacks some normal social inhibitions. My wife has had the joy of giving her over the years some spectacularly badly received presents which mum has immediately commented on in spectacular fashion:
Big jar of expensive deli olives: “have you ever seen me eat an olive?”
Quite expensive pen (she writes everything longhand): “did you ever see me use a biro?”
Winner - an expensive umbrella: “did you get it in the sales?”
@RickiTarr I'm a lazy giver. I ask the receiver what they want weeks sometimes months in advance so I can do research.
Even worse getter, I keep best possible gift to myself so I can buy it for me. Everyone else gets told something I want, but can live without. Trying to surprise me? I will wear, use your gift until the wheels fall off so I can throw it away.
@RickiTarr I see we have the same mother in-law. I have a whole bag of her gifts I keep for funny white elephant gifts.
A paper towel holder shaped like a cat with paste jewel eyes
Air tags for iPhone (we all have Androids)
Some vibrating foot massager with weird heated beads
Another Tupperware set
A really fluffy bathrobe... That ends ends mid ass.
So. MANY. SERVING. PLATTERS
A mini robot vacuum for your office desk
@RickiTarr I am very wary of what I call “The burden gift”, a gift that the recipient really doesn’t want. I don’t want to GET a burden gift and I don’t want to GIVE a burden gift.
I no longer knit a present for someone unless they’ve asked for it, for eg. And this whole idea might mean I have to talk to someone (shock!) about what they’d like to receive. I’ve told most people I don’t generally want a Thing. I’d rather receive a card saying they’ve donated money to a charity in my name.
My feeling is that I'd rather get something I've specifically asked for than a surprise gift. The problem is that I'm often unsure what I want until I see it for myself.
However one friend is impossible to buy for as they're a shopper and better at finding what what they want than I am. For their birthday this year, we settled on my taking them to lunch and giving them a card. I felt this wasn't much but they insisted they're very happy with that.
@RickiTarr So every year I have all 10 of us write letters to Santa; letters shared amongst us all. I love reading them and it gives us all ideas. What really reduced the stress for my hubby and I was to have our 5 kids do the "Santa shopping," give them money to do this. They appear to love it, ppl generally get good gifts, and we have less returned items to worry about. I shop for their SOs. My gift includes these letters thru the years.❤️ My husband & I tend to focus on experiences together.
@RickiTarr I’m probably not in the majority here, but I really enjoy giving gifts more than receiving them. It’s sort of odd because I really enjoy my friends and family being happy more than myself. Idk. It’s stupid maybe. But, if nothing else, get people Ugg slippers. They are life-changing lolll
@RickiTarr Oh my dude... you don't know what you just did.
cracks knuckles
Every year a friend of mine mom always got me and my fellow Jewish friends a CHIRSTMAS gift. Not Chanukah, Christmas gifts. Tacky ones. These were things like little old Jewish men in a track suits breakdancing, dancing dogs etc.
Were they anti semitic? Probably but she HONESTLY THOUGHT we were sad and missing out on x mas.
We weren't.
Every year, around that time we would warn each other about THE GIFT. 👀
@RickiTarr It is true that I'm a terrible gift giver for surprise gifts. Surprises are largely bullshit, and I mainly don't know what people want or need (my kids excepted, occasionally). The reason I truly hate surprise gifts though, is that most people just do not actually appreciate the gesture, and it is painfully and unmistakably visible on their face. I don't think I'm projecting either, because I can see it when people get gifts from other people too.
On top of that, if I actually do have an inkling of a nice present, there's a 99% chance my wife will buy it right before her birthday or Christmas.
I actually like giving gifts, but like everything else it's the time frame that causes me stress. It's always the deadline, not the actual gift giving that's a problem.
Everyone has a different culture around this, but I feel like things you didn't know you wanted are the best gifts to give and receive.
The idea of telling people what you want and them buying it for you is so strange to me. If I have the means I can buy it for myself.
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