Y'all I realized that I have a really bad tendency of not looking people in the face especially strangers, it feels really intimate for some reason, does anyone else do this or have suggestions for being better about it?
@RickiTarr
Many Native Anerican and many other cultures sustained and deliberate eye contact is actually disrespectful, offensive, and threatening. It isn't a sign of respect.
@Okanogen If someone is forceful with eye contact, it feels...manipulative, maybe that's too strong of a word, but like they are trying to exert control or something
I agree. I have felt that aggressiveness. I think it can work also empathetically, depending on the context.
The use of eye contact to intentionally cause stress is just wrong but it's what some police do as an interrogation technique.
"Overview of Police Interrogation Techniques
At this stage, the interrogator makes every effort to establish eye contact with the suspect to increase the suspect's stress level and desire to escape."
@RickiTarr
I first learned this very young, when I was a starting carpenter in the mid 80's, my early 20's, working with an older guy who was Lakota or Chippewa. We talked for many hours waiting out a rain. He didn't want to look at me as we talked. I didn't ask why, but he told me. White people want to take your soul, basically he said. But mainly it was about threatening: staring in your eyes is a challenge, a threat.
@RickiTarr It depends on who it is. If it's my husband, I'm usually cooking or knitting. If it's my friend, I'm usually looking at her face in a sort of glassy eyed non focus way as I concentrate on what's she's saying.
@RickiTarr If possible, I recommend doing what I do which is having bad vision and looking at everyone over your eyeglasses so they think you're looking at them even though you're really just looking at a blurry mess.
I spent time literally training myself to look people in the eye when talking to them i.e. consciously thought about it. It felt really awkward at first but got less and less so. Sometimes I still internally weird-out a little while doing it, but generally I'm not too bad now.
Though, I still find times I catch myself not doing it.
@RickiTarr
I try not to look at people in their faces because I don't want to talk to them.
I am the only one wearing a mask in this area. They scare me.
@soc_i_ety That is really interesting and makes me feel better about it, so thanks! I feel bad because sometimes I won't remember what a waitress looks like, and I want to do better about that.
@RickiTarr
Think about the elevator speech/greeting. You have about 30 seconds. That's it. If you are looking at their face when you introduce yourselves, you have a better chance of remembering their face.
Left pupil until they look away, then switch to watching their left earlobe. It's close enough for the little flick-back-to-check-they're-still-focused- on-me that NT's do.
@RickiTarr I'm the opposite and I find I have to purposely look away in the direction of others so that whoever is speaking doesn't "get stuck" just looking back at me. I'm literally guiding their eyes to someone else, breaking 'the lock." :) I never thought about it until someone pointed out how I was very direct. I'm just concentrating on the person and what they are saying. :)
@RickiTarr One time at work I decided I needed to look people in the eye, instead of staring at mouths or necks, so I started that, and next thing I know a female coworker was inviting me for intimate relations. I got out of that, being married. but that cured me of looking feeling I should look at people's faces more. 😅
@RickiTarr I remember when I learned that one should make eye contact with people you're speaking with, then realizing I didn't do that, and then making concerted efforts to make eye contact, then wondering how often to look away...
@DuchessOfSnork@RickiTarr this is also my story. Whenever I make eye contact it’s an effort and I’m thinking about it constantly. No suggestions… but you’re not alone.
@RickiTarr It comes with practice but if this is how your brain is wired, then this is you. I know a few people who do this, I do it when under pressure.
@RickiTarr When I first started wondering if I might be autistic, I didn't think eye contact was really a problem for me, until I remembered this one time I was at a picnic listening to someone tell a story to the group, and guess I was looking at the trees behind him, because all of a sudden he says to me, "am I boring you?" I was so embarrassed. I had been listening!
Thinking about it more, I realized that I listen better when I'm looking around at random objects and just like, occasionally checking in with your face, not looking at it the whole time. If I'm making eye contact with you while you're talking, I'm likely more focused on the eye contact itself than I am concentrating on what you're saying. Like am I doing it enough, how much is too much, oh crap now am I burning a hole in your soul by staring like a weirdo? It's distracting. Same if I'm the one talking. I have to look around or I lose my train of thought. Monitoring your facial expression while I talk is too much to think about all at once.
I agree too that it feels intimate. It's uncomfortable when random men out in the world make eye contact with me, it feels gross. If it's someone I'm comfortable with then it's not so bad. Even though in those cases it probably doesn't matter as much because they're not going to judge me for not doing it, anyway.
All of that to say, I can sort of do it but I wish I didn't have to. I don't have any suggestions, just wanted you to know you're not alone.
@RickiTarr Like others have said, this is such a common autistic thing, and NT society really doesn't have the right to try and force you to adapt to their bizarre rules.
You're doing fine as it is and you don't need to change.
@timo21@RickiTarr demanding people to look you in the eye or to constantly make eye contact with people. am afroboricua and although my mother was blonde and passed as white her grandmother was indigenous taína, so that was a big no-no on both sides of my family (los negros y los metizos). to this day i fucking hate that gringo imposition. it's perversely passive aggressive.
@RickiTarr
A major sign of autism is when little kids don't make eye contact. I don't do it a lot. If I'm really listening to what someone is saying, I need to focus, looking them in the face is too much. It also has the advantage of seeing the rest of their body language. It's harder to bullshit with that.
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