@arisummerland@beige.party
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

arisummerland

@arisummerland@beige.party

My biggest question: If we aren’t organized into human society to help everyone, what are we even doing?

#ActuallyAutistic #queer #Kansan from # LFK, Certified Listener Poet, meditation teacher, bodyworker, #typewriter aficionado, #HondaElement fan, Jewish Buddhist Dudeist, dog, cat, and chicken tender.

Buy me a Ko-fi: ko-fi.com/aridee

Слава Україні! 🇺🇦
Protect Trans Lives 🏳️‍⚧️
Free Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿
Free Palestine 🇵🇸
#noindex
#nobridge

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Alice, to random
@Alice@beige.party avatar

Bad news: One of my coworkers just followed me on Mastodon.

Good news: My watch is letting me count my panic attack as a workout.

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@Alice Oh gosh. Well, hopefully we can break them in quickly.

dgar, to random
@dgar@aus.social avatar
arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@dgar I needed this laugh! Thank you.

Alice, to random
@Alice@beige.party avatar

Disclaimer for anyone who follows my photography account on Pixelfed:

I KNOW about the Golden Ratio with regard to photography, I just don’t CARE about the Golden Ratio with regard to photography.

It's probably an autistic thing, but I find squares and grids to be much more comforting so I’m going to do whatever makes me happy, even if it means breaking the dumb rule of thirds.

If you're okay with that, this is my Pixelfed account: @Alice

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@Alice @Alice I know we're supposed to be rule followers, bc autism, but screw that rule. Art is what you make it, and your pictures are awesome!

RickiTarr, to random
@RickiTarr@beige.party avatar

Okay, this might sound weird, but this is what I'm thinking of today. I'm assuming most of you know the idiom, "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." I know it's about looking at the horse's teeth to check it's age and health, but in my heart I have an alternate history where it's about The Trojan Horse, which doesn't really even make much sense, but it's still living there rent free.

So, does anyone else do this, make up alternate histories for words or phrases? If you do, I'd love examples!

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@RickiTarr I have recently been wondering about the phrase "hold down the fort" and have been looking for examples in media (I heard recently it in Star Trek:Voyager of all places!).

My autistic brain asks: why would I have to hold anything down in a fort, or have to hold down the fort itself? Aren't forts usually of a sturdy construction? Is this really a euphemism for don't let the tents blow away? What am I defending the fort from, anyway?

Yet it is rare that I have ever heard anyone say simply, "hold the fort".

The whole "gift horse in the mouth" turn of phrase has always confused me, too. But why? Is the gift horse hiding something in its mouth? I love your Trojan horse approach. That makes much more sense.

arisummerland, to random
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

I held this snail mail item back a couple days to open a day I really needed it (which def was today).

Thank you, @Alice for the awesomeness! I am so glad the Fedi was able to help someone in need, too.

Scratch n sniff stickers to boot!

pathfinder, to Autism
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

Much to my shock I realised that I could be autistic when I was 53, roughly 7 years ago. And it was a shock, even though I suspect a very small, well hidden and very much ignored part of me, might have suspected. No one told me about it, or suggested that it might be the case. I did not see myself in relatives, the way so many of us do. I just happened to come across an autism test online and for no particular reason, took it.

It was that, that started me on my path to realising and finally accepting the truth that I was autistic. But, looking back, I sometimes find it hard to understand how I didn't know earlier. So much of my life now, just screams autism at me. But even ignoring the horribly ableist and medieval view I had of what autism was, the main reason why I didn't was probably because I could mask, both from myself and others, so well.

It was, I realise now, a life lived in denial. A denial of how much things bothered me, how much effort I had to put into things. Even a denial of the things I knew I couldn't do. Because this is the thing about appearing to mask so well, for so long. It is, in a sense, a lie. I couldn't mask well, if at all. Not all the time. Not in all situations or circumstances. There were things I just couldn't cope with, or even begin to deal with. But the trick was, that I either knew about them, or learnt the hard way about them and then I could manage my life to avoid them. Because they were things I could live without, without affecting how I appeared to be coping. Things that didn't affect the way I lived, even if they did affect my sense of worth. Because, how broken did you have to be, not to be able to go to crowded events, like a sports match, or a concert? Or to be able to deal with the socialising of a large gathering, or a family event, without having to hide in the kitchen, or forever outside, or break down in a toilet?

It was all part of how I masked myself from myself. The internal masking, as I like to call it. If I couldn't cope, then I was broken. If I couldn't stand something, then I was too picky, or sensitive, or I simply needed to learn to ignore it. And somehow I did learn. I learnt how to cope with noise and smell and visual overwhelm. I learnt to not let things bother me. To a point at least. There was always a step too far, when I couldn't, or didn't have the energy any more to maintain it. And this did take energy, a lot of it. Something I've only realising now that I don't have the energy to spare to even try it. Or the ability to, in many respects now that I know what I was trying so desperately to hide from.

Because when the truth is known, it's far harder to deny it. It's far harder to live the life where appearing to cope, is as good as coping. Where blaming yourself, is easier than seeing others faults. Where ignoring the pain, makes the pain go away. It's hard to see the mask as a benefit and always a good thing, rather than the shield and tool it always was.


arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic I appreciate you so much, Kevin. You always say these things so well and I resonate with this so much.

I started looking at "just what the hell was wrong with me?!" in 2016 after having to leave what should've been a dream job because it combined my college degree and my professional training. But the social aspects of the small office were intolerable, and I melted down so many times at work that I can't even tell you.

I had no idea at the time that I was autistic. In the years since then, because of online community and a few friends in real life who are also autistic, I've learned a lot about myself and been able to start forgiving myself for not being able to be "normal".

I entered a very deep period of burnout three years ago, after losing my partner and my dad in the same year, and now I am currently working to get out of that.

I sometimes feel hopeful and proud, both, about my neurology and understanding how to work with it better in the world. The isolation of the pandemic was hard, but it allowed me to drop all of the social constructs that were really not serving me.

I appreciate all of you so much! Thank you for being here. But especially you, Kevin. Please keep writing to us. You reach a lot of people in a really profound way.

pathfinder, to Autism
@pathfinder@beige.party avatar

@actuallyautistic

Autistic brains be stupid. Well, obviously not stupid, they just seem to work, or not work, in mysterious ways.

The main one that has always got me, about mine, is that I have no memory for sound, absolutely none. I can't remember a song, or a sound. I can't remember what my parents sounded like and none of my memories carry, for want of a better word, a soundtrack. I can remember what I was thinking and what others were saying, but not hearing them say it, nor any other sound. I also don't dream in sound, at least as far as I know. All my dreams are silent.

And yet, and it's a big yet. I have an excellent memory for voices and sounds. Like many autistics I have near perfect pitch, at least when I'm hearing others sing, or music playing. Just don't ask me to reproduce it, because I can't. If I meet someone I haven't met for a while, then I will almost certainly not recognise their face, or remember their name, but there is a very good chance that I will recognise them from their voice. I am also very good at detecting accents. Even the slightest hint of one in, say, an actor pretending to be an american, will get me searching Wikipedian to see if I am right about their actual nationality.

So, if I can tell the sound of a Honda CBR engine two blocks away, or a voice, or an accent buried deep, I must have the memories to compare against. And yet... nope.

So, as I said, autistic brains be stupid.


arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Oh, this is fascinating! There has to be a name for it.

I wish I had a little bit less pervasive sound memory. It stands me in good stead with other humans, though, bc I am bad with faces and names, so once someone talks, I know if I know them.

Sounds, voices, accents, they all come with strong physical sensation and thus, strong memory. Sounds get stuck in my head, sometimes on repeat. I have to change my alarm tone frequently because even if I choose a seemingly pleasant one, it will end up stuck on a loop in my head. Sometimes I can sit down and reproduce it on the piano. But I don't think I have perfect pitch, despite having been a musician my entire life.

Our brains are so fascinating, aren't they?

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@pathfinder @actuallyautistic Yes, frustrating as well. I'm aphantasic, but I still dream. I haven't considered whether I can hear things in my dreams or not, though.

RickiTarr, to random
@RickiTarr@beige.party avatar

What in the Conservative Hell?

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@RickiTarr I enjoy reading cookbooks, but oh lord no. HARD pass.

mentallyalex, to random
@mentallyalex@beige.party avatar

Please don't talk to me please don't talk to me please don't...oh thank god.

Ten seconds later

Please don't talk to me please don't talk to me...

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@mentallyalex This!!!

I walked my dogs at freaking SIX in the morning, twenty full minutes before sunrise, today because: 1) No people; and 2) no UV index.

Such is my late-spring through end-of-fall routine. Sigh. (I am NOT A MORNING PERSON).

50 SPF long sleeve sun shirts with hoods are my friends. Not only am I ginger, I have developed a literal sun allergy in my advancing years. 🧛‍♀️

EVDHmn, to actuallyautistic
@EVDHmn@ecoevo.social avatar

@actuallyautistic

Would any of you be interested in doing a weekly audio conference? I have organizer stTus on meetup could do audio and discuss how everyone is doing checkins, talking science, or what it’s like for you personally in the world coping ?
Perhaps zoom audio, no judgements safe spaces etc over the internet ? Discords etc

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@EVDHmn @actuallyautistic I love the idea, but audio and video are both really difficult for me... I wouldn't mind sitting in, though.

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@olena @EVDHmn @actuallyautistic I have both APD and tinnitus... I prefer to read to understand things, so I love closed captioning. I'm also not visual (aphantasic), so words are my jam.

If I can hand-write while I'm listening, that helps me immensely (because I grew up processing things that way in school). Typing while listening -- not so much. Whether it's thumbs or on a full keyboard, I miss a lot. I can, however, transcribe very quickly from ear to keyboard for some reason. But understanding? Not so much.

I can't concentrate to drive a car if there is music or talk on the radio -- especially if I'm in a new place and trying to figure out where I am, or if traffic is dangerous. I have to turn the radio off and ask whoever is with me (who is probably happily jabbering away) to please be quiet while I navigate the issue.

If I'm concentrating on a task and someone is trying to talk to me, I simply can't. My mom is really guilty of this, especially when I'm driving, and especially when I'm trying to do things for her like problem-solve her computer or TV.

I've never been able to get into podcasts, and I think APD is the reason. Plus, people ramble and don't stay on topic and their digressions are never funny to me.

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@pathfinder @olena @EVDHmn @actuallyautistic Same!!!

RickiTarr, to random
@RickiTarr@beige.party avatar

That Novelty Cup you had to have on vacation, you'll never use it again.

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@RickiTarr Or these:

The ceramic mug purchased from a chain coffee place on a family emergency trip to South Dakota in 2017 so you wouldn't have to keep using horrible hotel disposable cups, but it's such a good size that you kept it and use it often at home even though you'd never patronize the same shop at home...

... and the ones you've bought just so you can see how they're constructed (especially the handles) bc you never quite got mug making or handles down in pottery class.

I had a really kickass novelty mug that was bowling-themed, and the handle was a bowling pin. However, the handle was hollow, so anytime you poured hot liquid into it, it was scalding hot and completely unusable. That ended up going to Goodwill.

Then there are the Halloween mugs (not pictured). Those come out in September!

Another shot of three very different mugs. There is a gray speckled one on the left that has a handle that looks a lot like an elf ear. There's a smaller tan mug in the middle that has a very round handle on it. On the right is a pink Solana pottery mug with a unique handle that can't be seen well in the photo. I actually purchased it and its relatives because of the handles, even though the handle is not that great when you handle it.

LehtoriTuomo, to actuallyautistic
@LehtoriTuomo@mementomori.social avatar

Reading about autism and processing what it means in my case is very interesting. But maybe most of all, it's a relief. As I start to write this toot, tears come to my eyes.

I've kicked myself so many times in different situations for not being smart enough. I guess my doctoral degree is counter-proof. Anyway, I've struggled with my identity as a scientist a lot. This has happened especially at conferences. I've felt so out of place there. I haven't been able to discuss many topics. I haven't been able to follow all the talks.

Or when discussing a topic with a research group, I haven't been able to come up with ideas or solutions to problems. Not on the spot, but when I've had the same information in writing and have been going over it on my own, it's been so much clearer.

Therapy worked wonders with understanding what my strengths are. However, it's been even bigger relief to understand that I'm autistic and how it has affected my life. It explains so much.

@actuallyautistic

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@LehtoriTuomo @actuallyautistic It is such a relief, even if the learning curve is steep at first. Going back and looking at our lives through the lens of autism can be challenging. There might be grief, there might be joy, there might be loss, and there might just be this "grand unifying theory of self", which is how it landed (mostly) for me. I've been able to look at my younger self and all the messes I made with more understanding and compassion.

RickiTarr, to random
@RickiTarr@beige.party avatar

If you could have one new skill starting right now, what would it be?

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@RickiTarr Construction/renovation, but with decent executive function.

mentallyalex, to random
@mentallyalex@beige.party avatar

The serving suggestions on this bag is unfair and inaccurate.

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@mentallyalex

Tub of hummus: Serves 10.

Me: I am a family of five, apparently.

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@mentallyalex Eat 'em all. That'll learn 'em!

the_etrain, to random
@the_etrain@beige.party avatar

On April 19th?! Almost made it. long drag on joint

https://www.yahoo.com/news/woman-tried-board-flight-memphis-171147217.html

Memphis airport police found 56 pounds of marijuana in a woman's luggage before she boarded her flight, reports state. She is facing felony charges.

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@the_etrain POUNDS?! That would put most bags over limit to begin with...

TheBreadmonkey, to random
@TheBreadmonkey@beige.party avatar

What happened to combined shampoo and conditioner? Why are my family having to take two bottles into the shower? I thought things were supposed to be moving forwards not backwards. At this point we should be taking half a bottle or no bottle into the shower. Just taking a pill or having some kind of laser fired at our hair. SORT IT OUT, SHAMPOO AND/OR CONDITIONER INDUSTRY!

https://youtu.be/70-uISHj2vo

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@Alice @TheBreadmonkey @KevBot Clears FOG from drain traps...

RickiTarr, to random
@RickiTarr@beige.party avatar

What kind of high-school experience did you have? Were you in a clique? Were you popular, unpopular, the coolest kid in your Homeschool? Did you have a sweet jean jacket with patches, or maybe a leather vest? Were you an evil villain or a Mary Sue?

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@RickiTarr Theater and orchestra kid. All sorts of extracurriculars with the other weird kids. It was magic. I was still an outcast, but I had good friends.

RickiTarr, to random
@RickiTarr@beige.party avatar

All I want is one Crossover where Vic Fontaine for DS9 and The Doctor from Voyager meet up and sing a duet. Is that too much to ask Paramount?

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@jared @RickiTarr I set out to not like Vic Fontaine when I made a point of watching every single DS9 episode last year, but I ended up loving him. Dang it! It would be really awesome if he came back in lower decks. Seriously.

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@jared @RickiTarr What an awesome memory!

I downloaded the album after I finished DS9. I love it that much!

arisummerland, to random
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

Being awoken at 5:39 AM to a tornado warning wasn't quite how I thought this Tuesday would begin... I am glad that my weather radio works!

I got the thunder shirts onto the dogs and got the chickens up early. Miles decided that he was going to bark at the thunder all morning, though. That's his thing now. Bark at it, and maybe it will go away.

I don't think anyone else in the path of the storm had damage. There was a twister on the ground in a county further south around 4AM-something, though.

My local NPR station now has a policy of being on the air constantly when there is an actual warning within their listening area. I think this policy changed after the 2019 tornado. It's a good policy change.

Being up and about that early allowed me to get my cat to the vet for surgery, run some errands, refill the big water jugs, and do all sorts of adult achieving things this morning. Now I'm back in bed for a bit to rest.

I do feel as though my storm PTSD is lessening a little bit. But I think part of that was having early warning, having lots of information, and having a good radar app. I could tell by looking at the radar that we were not going to be hit by the belly or a significant arm of the storm.

This time.

arisummerland,
@arisummerland@beige.party avatar

@shekinahcancook @peribotsarah I have been on that camping trip! Top of the hill, pagan festival, tornado-warned storm in the middle of the night, hundred foot tarp over our entire camp, having the moms and the kids stay in their tents to try to stay dry and safe, the rest of us riding the rope tiedowns like we were freaking pirates. It was intense!

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