biscuit_tornado

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

ramona quimby and anastasia krupnik should have started a riot grrrl band and put out an ep called "newbery metal"

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

if you're american by marriage you automatically get the right to do a "yee-haw." that's one of the few rights left to you as a naturalized citizen so flex that shit

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

I think if your mom dies at a hospital the least the hospital can do is give you a shirt that says "my mom died at [hospital] and all I got was this crappy shirt and all her medical bills"

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

shawn fain is one of like five good things that ever came out of my hometown

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

if I was going to be a ruffalo, I would be the detective he played in zodiac

biscuit_tornado, 3 months ago to random

I like to come back and visit mastodon even when I don't have funny shit to say. it's evidently mark ruffalo day so hulk out I guess

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

what is it about me that tells people that I would relish their proximity when they're choosing a seat in the waiting room

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

you think it's bad that we're in the universe where simpsons porn is a thing. where is your empathy for the universe where it's hagar the horrible porn instead

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

my favorite way to prepare for shitposting is to cultivate a low-grade fever. my brain is simmering for your enjoyment

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

feral sleeping, wherein if you awaken the sleeper suddenly you might get bitten

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

one time I got so mindful that I felt like I was levitating and I tried so hard to get back to that point until I discovered weed, which makes that sensation a lot more accessible

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

if you tell someone "congratulations!!" and they say "no" then that is a power move nearly on the scale of answering someone's introduction with "I know who you are" and nothing else

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

"sure would be a shame if a brick came in through the window of your shop, bounced off that hanging lantern, landed on this spoon collection and sent one flying to hit you in the, uh, fuckin eye"

• Rube Goldberg, protection racketeer

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

the landline rings. you pick it up. the phone is republican. you hang up. republican phone

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

did you guys know the R on the gearshift lets you go backwards? sure wish I'd learned about that before I wore a trail of tire tracks around my house and into my neighbors' yards

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

"we truly have no control, and are hurtling through space with no guidance or intercession with the elements"

"you know, not everyone goes into a tailspin at the first snow of the year. let's get your sunlamp out"

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

I saw someone post a prayer for trump that was along the lines of "dear lord, get his ass and all the republicans and all the preachers who mention your name and his in the same breath," and I was like "hold my beer"

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

not a fan of CVS's vaccine scheduling system, which sends you a confirmation email but stops there, leaving pharmacy staff bewildered when you show up at the time on the email and say "vaccine pls"

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

(I'm not above a self-boost -- most of my stuff gets posted late at night and I like to re-share for people who are awake when the sun is up)

RickiTarr, 4 months ago to random

Would it really be so bad to be a Borg?

RickiTarr, 4 months ago to random

Y'all I guess I should start getting my questions from Quora!

biscuit_tornado, 4 months ago to random

bad news, all - I got up this morning and saw my shadow so we have six more weeks of 2023, or I think that's how that works