davep

@davep@infosec.exchange

Does IT stuff.

Likes permaculture, infosec, Tranmere Rovers. But mainly bad jokes stolen from https://www.justthetalk.co.uk/thehaven/17468/urgent-i-need-a-good-joke-right-now

Missing my Dad and little brother.

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

davep, to random

If you could spare some money for Violet Blue you'd be doing a good thing. 🙏
https://gofund.me/3eff77ac

davep, to random

A little old lady named Dorothy called her neighbor Fred and said, “Please come help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Fred asked, “What’s it’s supposed to be when it’s finished?”

“According to the picture on the box, it’s supposed to be a rooster,” replied Dorothy.

“Okay,“ Fred replied. “ i’ll come over and help with the puzzle.”

He rang the doorbell, she let him in and showed him the pieces spread out all over the kitchen table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He took her hand and said, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “we’ll put all the corn flakes back in the box.”

davep, to random

Good article...

"...Let’s stop believing that statistical modelling of climate disruption will enable us to quantify and therefore control the insurance of this risk; let’s stop believing that the financial markets, through their innovations (such as “catastrophe bonds”), will be able to support private reinsurers in need of capital; let’s stop taking refuge behind the idea that capital and people will continue to accumulate in the places most exposed to climate change."

https://theshiftproject.org/en/article/insurers-have-long-deceived-themselves-about-their-capacity-to-adapt-to-global-warming/

It specifically cited the hailstorms that ripped through a swathe of France (it destroyed our roof).

The problem is in the unpredictability. I'm astonished they haven't already insisted we use the insurance money to install hailproof roofing if we want to remain insured.

davep, to random

I once went out with a professional tennis player, but love meant nothing to her.

davep, to random

Got a new pen that writes under water!

And loads of other words!

davep, to random

Saturday night and I've just finished a pot of Nutella. Rock and roll 😎

davep, to random

Roman no1: "Do you know how many women i've slept with?"

Roman no2: "Mmm?"

Roman no1: "Don't be ridiculous, not that many."

davep, to random

I told my wife the other day that I had found another way to act condescendingly towards women. She said "What's that then?" So I had to tell her that it's when you talk down to someone.

davep, to random

I remember back in the 1970s there was a West Country Music Festival.

The organisers lined up both Eric Clapton and Paul Weller's bands to headline, but couldn't decide who should go on first.

davep, to random

Our kestrel manoeuvres in the dark.

davep, to random

I just showed my GP the rash on my bum, and he seemed proper uncomfortable-like he didn't want to touch it at all. He just said 'Make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow', & walked off with his shopping trolley.

davep, to random

Happy day!

From @brianhonan (possibly, it was on the other site)

davep, (edited ) to random

What's the worst Bond film title?

davep, to random

"Your people are driven by a terrible sense of deficiency. When the last tree is cut, the last fish is caught, and the last river is polluted; when to breathe the air is sickening, you will realize, too late, that wealth is not in bank accounts and that you can’t eat money."

~~Alanis Obomsawin

davep, to random

I was playing Bonopoly last night.

It's like Monopoly but the streets have no names.

davep, to random

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.

Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Sally Ann?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the Sally rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken Sally rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated Sally rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

davep, (edited ) to random

We DID NOT walk 500 miles.

And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~The Disclaimers.

davep, to random

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

davep, to random

Took my bike to the local bike shop and told them I want it to go faster, so they sold it to somebody else.

davep, to random

So what if Jesus can walk on water?

I managed to walk on 11 pints of Stella and 8 Tequila shots once..

davep, to random

Where does French cheese get it's smell?

From age.

davep, to random

IM LIVID

davep, to random

A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."

I thought,

"That's it, I'm going to the Police."

I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.

I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."

davep, to random

woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if l say a word?” “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

davep, to random

"Just follow the yellow prick toad!"

  • All
  • Subscribed
  • Moderated
  • Favorites
  • •
  • JUstTest
  • kavyap
  • DreamBathrooms
  • thenastyranch
  • magazineikmin
  • tacticalgear
  • khanakhh
  • Youngstown
  • mdbf
  • slotface
  • rosin
  • everett
  • ngwrru68w68
  • Durango
  • megavids
  • InstantRegret
  • cubers
  • GTA5RPClips
  • cisconetworking
  • ethstaker
  • osvaldo12
  • modclub
  • normalnudes
  • provamag3
  • tester
  • anitta
  • Leos
  • lostlight
  • All magazines
    •