davep

davep, 1 year ago to random

My son came up to me last night and asked: “dad, where does poo come from?”

Feeling squeamish but wanting to educate him I explained how poo is made in your digestive system and comes out of the small hole in your butt.

He paused and looked confused for a bit before asking:

“..and Tigger?”

davep, 10 months ago to random

me: do you sell ducks?

him: yes, but they're going quick

me: ok I'll take one

[later]

duck: quick

me: I see

davep, 1 year ago to random

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

davep, 4 months ago to random

I've taken the battery out of our carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping made me feel sick, dizzy and was giving me a headache.

davep, 1 year ago to random

Shopping for antiques won't make you gay but it may make you buy curios.

davep, 5 months ago to random

Interviewer: "Can you perform under pressure?"

Me: 'No, but I do a passable Bohemian Rhapsody'

davep, 6 months ago to random

And on the seventh day God ended His work which He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had done. Then God committed it to GitHub before forgetting all about it and moving on to more interesting projects.

davep, 10 months ago to random

I've just checked my home insurance and apparently if my duvet is stolen in the middle of the night then I'm not covered.

davep, 10 months ago to random

My car broke down today.

I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat sitting on the engine bock.

He said: Good day to you Sir! And might I regard how splendid you look today?

I knew the problem straight away.

Bat flattery

davep, 8 months ago to random

Rejected New Yorker cartoon.

davep, 1 year ago to random

My teacher said I would never be any good at poetry because of my dyslexia, but so far I've made three vases and a jug.

davep, 7 months ago to random

Lawyer: "I have some good news and some bad news."

Tycoon: "What's the good news?"

Lawyer: "Your wife invested 5,000 quid in two pictures I believe are worth 10 million or more."

Tycoon: "Brilliant! What's the bad news?"

Lawyer: "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

davep, 8 months ago to random

What's the difference between gray and grey?

One's a color and the other's a colour.

davep, 5 months ago (edited 5 months ago) to random

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said, "thanks, but how do you know i’m not a serial killer?", I replied, "the chance of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical".

davep, 5 months ago to random

A man picks up a scruffy-looking lamp and gives it a rub. As is usual in these circumstances, out pops a genie who tells the man he has three wishes.

''Ok", says the man, "I wish there was no such thing as lawyers."

"BOOM! Done. You now have no more wishes."

"Hey! You said I had three wishes! I want my other two wishes!"

"Meh. Sue me, dickhead."

davep, 1 year ago to random

Interviewer: How do you explain the 4 year gap in your CV?

Me: that's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: that's very impressive. You're hired.

Me: Thanks I really need this Yob

davep, 4 months ago to random

Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year party. They’re calling it Chinese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go but they twisted my arm.

davep, 6 months ago to random

An 89 year old man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

davep, 4 months ago (edited 4 months ago) to random

The final battle will not be between humans and AI, but the weary stragglers mounting one last desperate defence against the hordes of "small round cookers with a fan" cultists, chanting "you must buy an air fryer, it's changed my life" again and again as they inevitably overrun you.

davep, 6 months ago to random

Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

davep, 6 months ago to random

Asked my boss "Can I have some time off cos we're so close to Christmas?"

"It's May"

he said.

"Sorry" I said

"May I have some time off since it's so close to Christmas?"

davep, 5 months ago to random

Just bought my wife a chocolate truffle that can travel at over 180 mph. It’s a Ferrari Rocher.

davep, 6 months ago to random

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

davep, 6 months ago to random

Getting sacked from your Home Sec job is a lifestyle choice.

davep, 5 months ago to random

"The president of Cop28, Sultan Al Jaber, has claimed there is “no science” indicating that a phase-out of fossil fuels is needed to restrict global heating to 1.5C"

Why is this dangerous man hosting COP28? Ok, apart from trying to destroy our future to protect his interests.

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2023/dec/03/back-into-caves-cop28-president-dismisses-phase-out-of-fossil-fuels