davep

davep, 6 months ago to random

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is?

A student puts up his hand and says, "G".

"And why is that Angus?"

davep, 1 year ago to random

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps

davep, 11 months ago to random

I rang up the Labour Party HQ and asked for a copy of Starmer’s manifesto.

I was told ‘sorry we’ve sold out.’

I said ‘I know that. I just want a copy of Starmer’s manifesto!’

davep, 7 months ago to random

If you fancy a mainly English left of centre chatboard, this place is the continuation of the old Guardian talk boards that started in 1998 and ended in 2011.

Please retoot for reach. It's become a bit of a local board for local people over the years (but is always good value) and it might be fun to see the reaction to some new blood.

https://www.justthetalk.co.uk/

Here's the Graun discussing the closure (I joined Twitter that day).
https://www.theguardian.com/help/insideguardian/2011/feb/28/guardian-unlimited-talkboards

davep, 9 months ago to random

My brother took being sent to jail really badly.

He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own faeces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

davep, 9 months ago to random

As a violinist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Dorset back country.

As I was not familiar with the country lanes, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guys had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologised to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my violin and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

davep, 8 months ago to random

Here in the UK we call it a 'lift' but in the US they call it an 'elevator'.

I guess we're just raised differently.

davep, 1 year ago to random

I can’t believe it’s nine months until pancake day and the shops are already selling flour and eggs.

davep, 1 year ago to random

I said to my dentist, "Have you got something that will make my teeth whiter?"

He said, "Try polish."

I said, "Masz coś, co sprawi, że moje zęby będą bielsze?"

davep, 8 months ago to random

From @Mr_Dave_Haslam

davep, 8 months ago to random

This Wombles pepper mill I got for my birthday is rubbish.

Everything is either under ground or over ground.

davep, 6 months ago to random

Have you heard about the corduroy pillows that are making headlines?

davep, 3 months ago to twitter

Blimey, if Cory Doctorow can get scammed...

https://twitter.com/doctorow/status/1754510033566773551

#Twitter

davep, 3 months ago to random

A bloke walks into Boots and asks the assistant, "What's good for making my oven spotless?"

Assistant replies, "Ammonia cleaner."

Chap says, "Sorry, I thought you were a chemist."

davep, 3 months ago to random

Last night I watched Australian Masterchef.

Somebody made meringue and they all cheered.

"That's odd" I thought. "Normally in Australia they boo meringue".

davep, 3 months ago to random

My parents have 50 packets of Oxo cubes in their cupboard, I'm not sure they've got the hang of stock piling.

davep, 4 months ago to random

Yes, your email found me well. It's the magic combination of SMTP and other underlying protocols such as DNS and TCP.

davep, 4 months ago to random

My mate told me that the only vegetable that makes you cry is an onion. So I threw a coconut at his head

davep, 4 months ago to random

A man had a bad cut on his leg but wouldn't let the doctor give him stitches.

The doctor said "suture self"

davep, 5 months ago to random

You think you had it bad as a child?

When I was a kid I'd get home, open the front door and get a plate of spag bol right in the face. I'd go to the bathroom, open the cabinet and get a tuna salad flung straight at me.

I literally didn't know where my next meal was coming from.

davep, 3 months ago to random

Trombones.

davep, 6 months ago to random

Recycling ingenuity!

davep, 3 months ago to random

Just fixed the horn on the scouts' minibus.

Beep repaired.

davep, 3 months ago to random

I got fired from my last job for asking my customers if they would prefer "smoking" or "non smoking".

Apparently the wokerati are insisting on "Cremation" or " Burial".

davep, 5 months ago to random

It appears I can't block threads without seeing a post from there... Or am I missing something?