@renegadejade@hachyderm.io
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

renegadejade

@renegadejade@hachyderm.io

we only grow when we’re willing to sit with our own discomfort and learn from it 🌱

Queer Femme 🏳️‍⚧️💋
Bi Leatherdyke ⛓️
Storyteller & Poet 💜
Zen Witch 🪷
Anarcha-Feminist Killjoy 🏴
Neurodivergent + CPTSD 🧠
Higher Ed Cybersecurity 💻

contains multitudes

posting good vibes, trauma recovery, sex+/kink+, politics, and lots of queer

avatar: selfie of a white person with short hair and shaved sides and dark lipstick

header: graffiti that reads “BE CRIME, DO GAY” next to a tranarchy symbol

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

renegadejade, to random
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

They can’t tell that you’re doing it wrong if they have no idea what you’re doing.

renegadejade, to random
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

Got permission from mom and dad to inject some civil rights type stuff into helping my niece with her letters.

Help me with the few I missed?

renegadejade, to random
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

TFW you’re a hot mess but at least your lipstick is 🔥

JoscelynTransient, to harleyquinn
@JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw avatar

Reading an issue of Harley Quinn right now where she gets tired of being herself and tries to just abandon her responsibilities, go somewhere else, and be unhinged for a while...but can't escape her conscience and ends up fighting fascists and the bourgeoisie all over again....ugh, stop being so relatable Harley!

The desire to just give up on everything and stop managing my mental health to just let myself go be unhinged and in my owb little world is strong. But I feel too much and know that the conacience that anchors me would pull me right on back. There's too much that's fucked up and needs doing in the world we live in right now. I'm tired but won't retreat, at least never for too long.

Thanks Nutbuckets for reminding me why i keep myself hinged for now ❤️🖤❤️🖤❤️

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

@JoscelynTransient What issue is this? For a friend.*

*Me, I’m the friend.

RickiTarr, to random
@RickiTarr@beige.party avatar

What kind of high-school experience did you have? Were you in a clique? Were you popular, unpopular, the coolest kid in your Homeschool? Did you have a sweet jean jacket with patches, or maybe a leather vest? Were you an evil villain or a Mary Sue?

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

@RickiTarr Depressed emo kid who played football for 10 years to make dad happy while I secretly wanted to be a drama queer and a cheerleader.

Wasn’t accepted with the jocks, but, because I played football, so I wasn’t accepted by the nerds or band kids either.

Did a cybercrime, violated CFAA, and went through juvenile justice system.

Found World of Warcraft and became a hard mode progression raider and main tank to escape reality throughout high school and most of undergrad.

renegadejade, to random
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Nah, things just happen.

But, If you choose you create meaning from those things for yourself, it can be very empowering. Learn from your mistakes. Choose to embrace change rather than avoid and deny it.

One of the hardest lessons that I’m trying to learn.

Impossible_PhD, to random
@Impossible_PhD@hachyderm.io avatar

Okay, I just read the most absolutely fucking perfect sentence for people who are questioning their gender, feel drawn towards a different gender, but who are afraid it's "just a fetish," especially with certain kinks that get shamed heavily.

"If a sponge retains water it has little to do with the water and everything to do with the sponge."

Ooooh that's a good one.

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

@Impossible_PhD My kinks are because I’m trans not the other way around. I just didn’t realize it till I came out.

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

@Impossible_PhD I’m still formulating my thesis on this and don’t want to speak broadly, but I’d go as far to say all my kinks, both the gendered and non gendered ones, are all trauma responses, as I can now identify the need they were developed to fulfill that I wasn’t getting elsewhere.

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

@Impossible_PhD I’ve been eyeing U of M’s dual PhD program in Women’s and Gender Studies and Psychology to focus on this very research topic.

renegadejade, to random
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

It’s Sunday, which means new nails! Went with a red-ish chrome. Video to show color change.

A right hand with coffin nail tips painted in a dark red chrome color that changes shade and hue somewhat as they are moved in the light. Very cyberpunk, IMO

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

I try to keep my nails done as much as I can (hard to do as I’m still not great at them and they typically start falling off after 3 days or so), because even if I’ve done nothing else for gender expression, I look down and see “girl.” No makeup, sweatpants and hoodie, falling off my target voice, etc., doesn’t matter as much if I can look down for instant gender euphoria. 💜

renegadejade, to random
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

Allowing myself to cry, to actually break down and just just sob for as long as tears keep coming, is something I haven’t allowed myself to do since childhood, when I was told it was just attention seeking behavior.

A good cry, especially tears of grief, is very healing. It’s not easy. It’s not fun. But it is healing.

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

Crying as a child was met with threats of being sent to a psych ward.

This remains my biggest fear, and even now, it’s my dad’s go to threat.

My parents didn’t know what to do with a depressed teenager, so they just wanted push him off to someone else. So I learned not to cry. I learned that physical pain from an injury wasn’t something to complain about. I learned how to fake happiness and joy.

It’s hard to know what was emotional neglect and what as abuse but they both were harmful.

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

I still don’t know how to respond to people being kind to me. My therapist knows my primary language of love is words of affirmation. They compliment me on something almost every session and I always go rigid.

I still seek affirmations from my parents. A mistake. They are seemingly incapable. They did when I was young and I was a perfect student. Then the mental health issues started cropping up and they treated me as broken. Incapable. So I became broken. Incapable.

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

Creating my own autonomy and agency has been the driving force behind my trauma healing work and really my transition more broadly. I’m still not there. I need my parents material support, but it comes with the strings of emotional neglect and abuse to this day. I feel stuck. Always have.

It’s basically impossible to heal from trauma when living with the people who traumatized you, but I don’t have any better options right now. Hopefully in August I can move.

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

@JoscelynTransient I’m with you. I saw your post yesterday shortly after I posted this one: https://hachyderm.io/@renegadejade/112266929366810136

I just want someone to hold me tight, stroke my hair and tell me everything’s going to be okay. And I want to believe them because they’ve created a space for the emotional safety I rarely have.

renegadejade, to random
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

What

renegadejade, to detroit
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

love 💜

renegadejade, to random
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

“You have such a great personality!”

Thanks! I designed it myself!

hazelweakly, to random
@hazelweakly@hachyderm.io avatar

"The most valuable code in the world is often glue code" -- Ok yeah, so then why are we so fucking bad at it, huh?

Seriously. You know what would make my whole life right now? A flow chart. With a sarcastic paperclip or a snarky stapler or some other anthropomorphic substitute for soulless capitalism.

"Hey! Listen! What do you wanna build?"
Door 1: A CRUD server
Door 2: A CRUD client
Door 3: A CRUD to CRUD pipe

"Well you came to the right place! How much CRUD are we talkin'?"

[[ etc etc ]]

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

@irenes @hazelweakly What else would I use for a database if I didn’t have Excel?

blogdiva, to random
@blogdiva@mastodon.social avatar

LMAO AND I WONDER WHY?!?!? 🤔

"U.S. Engagement Hits 11-Year Low"
https://www.gallup.com/workplace/643286/engagement-hits-11-year-low.aspx

i have side-eyed Gallup for some time with their "let's make capitalism awesomer" polls.

am not an expert statistician but i know 2 things:

(1) Gallup doesn't do polls for free; if someone isn't sponsoring, they're pulling the data from b2b services.

(2) always look for the questions & what's missing.

sure enough; here's the 12 (actually 13) questions:
https://www.gallup.com/q12/

see what's missing? 🧵

renegadejade,
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

@blogdiva We saw our parents get fucked over despite being “loyal” to their companies over and over again and learned that compensation comes first.

renegadejade, to queer
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

I love how everyone’s version of queer is uniquely theirs.

I love that expression is important to me but not others, dyed hair is part of my queerness, but not others’. I love that I’m a queer activist and others are not. I love that it’s about attraction for some and not others.

I love the breadth, depth, and dimensions of queerness. I love learning about others’ queerness and what it means to them. I love comparing notes and smile when we diverge. I love queerness and queers.

JoscelynTransient, to random
@JoscelynTransient@chaosfem.tw avatar

FD poses a very important question....how are big boobs killing wokeness? 🤣​

Fiq is discussing a weird trend in some weird online far right circles that somehow think that liberals and the left...are suppressing boobs? I think we need to introduce said weirdos to @Impossible_PhD , whose boobs sing the song of revolution insert trans pride hammer and sickle

https://youtu.be/A3Vis-CV7Mo?si=Kl68Xql5w5iDQ5kE

renegadejade,
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@JoscelynTransient @Impossible_PhD I’m wearing a push up bra with silicon inserts to add two cup sizes. Big titty leftist checking in.

renegadejade,
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@JoscelynTransient @Impossible_PhD Have they ever been to a punk show or a festival lol what.

renegadejade, to random
@renegadejade@hachyderm.io avatar

Being kind is worth it.

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