@RickiTarr
I'm gay. I never imagined I might marry. Then holy shit in 2004 we rushed into it (on ~ our 15th anniversary together) 8 days after it became legal, and I was really surprised to find that … I love it? It felt (and feels!) really, really good to have society say, "Yup, we're cool with your relationship." We're more likely to hold hands walking down the street. I love my husband and I'm so happy and grateful to have married him.
In the way my grandfather lived thru the age of horse-drawn carriages to walking on the moon, I feel like I’m living thru a comparable age of socio-sexual evolution. From pre-Stonewall closeting to same-sex marriage to the bursting of trans culture to the surface of cultural awareness. Somebody should make a movie. Or one of those massive British generation-spanning family sagas.
@qurlyjoe@stevegis_ssg@RickiTarr ain’t nothing new under the sun.
My grandmothers brother was “a confirmed bachelor” and her cousin had a “room mate” who wore men’s suits. Wasn’t open but it was there.
@RickiTarr Each to their own.
I think marriage, as it has been for a long time, is a rather patriarchal institution in which (traditionally) a man gives his daughter to another man for the purpose of procreation. Indeed, the younger man was required to ask her father's permission to propose.
I know a lot has changed and that this is an old-fashioned description.
If people wish to marry, however and with whoever they like, I support that.
I'm not married. I've been in a "marriage-like" relationship with my partner for twenty-two years. Two kids. Our relationship has changed and evolved. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's fucking awful, sometimes it's great. It's never perfect.
Each to their own.
@RickiTarr
Wife and I married at 19, nobody thought it would last. We had very different upbringings, had known each other only 14 months and we were both as clueless as kids generally are. We were afraid her parents might travel up from LA to Berkeley and find out we were living together (out of wedlock!) and so we got married.
Neither of us is the same, growth and change are unavoidable, but we’re still the same person in an undefinable and distinct way & my luck has been to see that same person inside as I have learned to appreciate the person she has grown into being. It has not always been easy, but it has always been worthwhile. There is an inevitable ebb and flow in any relationship, I have been lucky both of us stuck it out during the rough patches.
In August we will celebrate our 55 year wedding anniversary.
@RickiTarr Here is a photo of my late husband and me on our wedding day. We were married for 50 years before he died after a heart attack. I was very lucky to have met him and have him in my life for so long. Not everyone needs to be married, but I'm glad it worked so well for me.
@RickiTarr I think marriage isn't necessary for a successful relationship, but being married in this society is advantageous if you're raising kids together.
I eschewed the tradition of spending a load on a massive service and reception. We had a small church wedding with a potluck reception. My only regret is that I didn't get music arranged for dancing. Saved myself from any bridezilla meltdowns though (and I don't mean tantrums but literal autistic meltdowns that happen when I'm overwhelmed)
@RickiTarr People in good marriages often recommend marriage to others as though we don't understand marriage can be great, and that's the reason we're not married
We know it's great to be in a marriage with the right person, but some of us don't ever meet that person, or we meet them but they don't feel the same way, or life events like chronic illness spoil your chances.
@RickiTarr
Coming up on 50 years in a few months. We must be doing something right, I guess. Nothing’s perfect, of course, but with both of us dealing with chronic ailments it’s been good that we each can be an advocate for the other when it’s needed, dealing with our benighted medical industrial complex. Dunno that either would be alive today without the other. Partners in love, partners in life. Plus, she laughs at my dumb jokes.
@RickiTarr
If you’ve made it this far the odds are good you’ll keep it up. No guarantees of course, as others have related, but statistically you’re well on your way to the long leg of the curve.
@thepoliticalcat
I think that’s a strong indicator of something but no idea what. Have you ever done the thing where one of you rests your head comfortably on the other’s belly, and you tell jokes back and forth?
Well I've always been against marriage "I don't need a piece of paper to prove my love". I also think that part of me thought I'd never find someone to spend my life with.
When I met Kyle, we just both knew. We moved in together after three months and we just naturally started calling each other "wife and husband".
At that point, I was living 5000km away from my family and I didn't know how we would mix both families together. Different languages, different religions too. A small, super personal wedding seemed like the perfect way to all meet and have an amazing time. So we just did it! I didn't take his last name. We signed the papers with only our parents and siblings. And then we got "married" by a bilingual friend and it was awesome!
@RickiTarr That it’s a lot. It’s good and even great. It’s frustrating, sometimes annoying , it’s laughing and rolling your eyes. It’s sitting together in pure silence and being just fine. It’s inside jokes, having your back, and a familiar grin. It’s so many little and big things. I think above all, it’s that history you share and just keep building every day.
@RickiTarr It definitely can be. But those words about it being work are true, not in the sense that it’s hard and miserable and you just keep going, but rather that even when you each do change and grow, you make an effort not do it too far from each other. There’s a fine line between keeping your own interests and having things you enjoy doing together. Growing apart is very real, as adults we have many responsibilities and it can be easy to simply keep going in your own direction for too long.
@RickiTarr
That's a beautiful picture. When you are married to the right person it's great. I married my best friend 17 years ago. It took us both along time to find the right person. We've both been married before.
@RickiTarr
We were good friends for a long time. I was married twice before him & almost gave up. He was married once before me. Neither one of us thought we'd ever find happiness. I'm so thankful & happy to finally have love in my life.
@RickiTarr I’ve been married twice now and I honestly wish I had not done so.
My first marriage was to someone I had pined after all through school, but she was a very different person once we were married.
I am currently married to someone I do love, and she loves me, but it feels like the fact we are married holds both of us back from exploring our sexuality and sensuality more. I feel if we had simply made a partnership we wouldn’t have that legal document looming over our morality.
@RickiTarr We got married after 12 years and 2 kids together, simply to help with my partner's immigration status after Brexit. We had the most minimal wedding: no church, no party, no best man or bridesmaids, no guests, no rings, no name change.
The witness found it really romantic, and said she wished she'd done it that way, rather than the big ceremony she'd had.
For us, though, being married is only a legal formality. It's not something we particularly wanted, and it hasn't changed our relationship.
Ricki, I've never been married and thought I didn't have anything to say on the subject. Until tonight in the supermarket where Valentine's Day cards had probably replaced Holiday ones the day after Christmas.
Nothing against marriage, but I do have a problem with the BUSINESS of love and marriage, the advertising, and the expectations and social pressures that come with it. Also, it's 99% directed at trad female/male couples. 🤷♂️
@RickiTarr Marriage is terrific! When it works, it's a joy. When it no longer works, you end the relationship like you would any other. I'm divorced and regret neither decision. I was actually going to get married again before Julia was killed.
@RickiTarr I was 21 when I married, too. He was 26.
In general, I support marriage. The whys and wherefores are really too much to get into.... But the crux of it is that an official martial commitment makes a proclamation to family, friends, and community. With a beneficial mindset, it invites a stabilizing and helpful form of accountability and invites loved ones to give support when they're needed. It's comfort and affirmation to hear the beloved say before all & sundry that...
@RickiTarr Husband and I eloped on our way to a vacation in 2003 2 months after it was legal in the neighbouring Province. Our provincial Premiere was still fighting against it so there was an awkward time where in Alberta we could BE a legally married Dude To Another Dude but we could not BECOME a legally married Dude To Another Dude.
And the Conservatives are still trying to roll back the calendar about it...
@RickiTarr I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever been in, but I can’t get married because I’m now disabled and if I need long-term care, I will need Medicaid, and there are all kinds of rules about finances to get Medicaid. So although we’re happy together, we can’t choose the financial stability that comes with marriage. It’s a cruel joke. 🤯 I also am gay, so have had marriage denied as an option for much of my life. Marriage is a legal construct with far too much governmental oversight.
Also: My fiance has a great medicaid plan from Obamacare. If we get married, I'm pretty sure she'd lose that, and be 100% dependent on my and my job for health insurance. We want to get married, but I don't want her to lose her ability to be independent.
Would I marry the same woman again if I had my time over? Yes. Without a doubt.
Would I marry her in church? No. Without a doubt.
I think, aside from the money spent on weddings these days (we didn't spend a lot back in 1984), it's the feeling of being pressured by convention that is a big turn off, for me at least. Churches, rituals, peer groups.
Our good friends had the best wedding, exchanging vows in an ancient stone circle high up in the Lake District, UK. Just family and very close friends present.
@RickiTarr
2/2 Beginning a relationship with a shaky foundation of fantasy and the need to impress others seems unlikely to last because there’s probably a lot that’s based in fantasy in the relationship.
I’m not entirely averse to marriage, this thread shows how many people have lovely long term marriages. It’s just another human ritual that’s been bastardized by our current corporate culture.
@RickiTarr my hairdresser used to throw a great big fake wedding party with her boyfriend every year because they were sure they would never get married or turn into “responsible“ adults. And then they got married and had two delightful little girls. She always seemed a little flabbergasted at the change in them both.
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