rebekka_m

pathfinder, 2 months ago to Autism

@actuallyautistic

I once wrote about how it was not unrealistic, to think that there was no such thing as an un-traumatised autistic. About how so many of us have known bullying and persecution simply for being different. Not even always for what we may have said or done, but often for simply standing out; in all the ways that we didn't even know we were. How just simply being, was so often an excuse to be attacked or punished. That our very existence, even as hard as we tried to mask, whether we knew that was what we were doing or not, was the cause of so much pain.

All the scars we carry from misreading situations. Or from believing in something, or someone, and being burnt as a consequence. All the times we've tried to stand up for ourselves, or as often as not for others, and been dismissed and ridiculed. All the misjudgements and disbelieve and times when our intent and purpose have been seen in the ways that were never, ever, meant. The sheer inability for others to see us as we are, or to judge us accordingly. But, always to seem to want to see the worst and to base everything else on that.

But the more I learn and understand about being autistic. The more I realise that so much of my trauma and the scars that were left, came not just from this overt pain, but from the covert well-meaning of others as well. From my parents and relatives, from friends and teachers. From all the advice and instruction I have received over the years that was meant to shape me in the right way. As a child, to teach me how to grow up, how to behave and act. What was expected and what wasn't. And then, as an adult, how I was supposed to be and how a successful life, with me in it, was supposed to look. All the rules I was supposed to learn, all the codes I was supposed to follow. How to act, how to speak, what to feel, when to feel it. What I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to be.

Not in any unusual way. Not in any way that you weren't supposed to raise a child, well a normal child anyway. That's what makes this so covert. If you were trying to do this to a child knowing that they were autistic, then it's overt abuse. It is ABA, it is infantilising and punishing a child for always failing to become something, that they had no more chance of becoming than a cat has of becoming a dog. But for those of us who didn't know we were autistic. It was simply the constant hammering of the world trying, without even realising it, to fit a round peg into a square hole and all the pain and disappointment that came from their failure to come even close.

For me, what made this worse, was that it wasn't as if I didn't know that I was different, not in my heart, but that I thought that I shouldn't be. That I should be able to learn what I was being taught, that I should be able to follow the guidance. That I wasn't any different really from anyone else and so if I failed to act in the right way, or react the way I should, for that matter, then it was my fault. All the patient sighs and familiar looks, simply became just another reinforcement of my failure. Even being told off for the simplest things, became a reminder that something that I should have been able to do, was beyond me and always for the only reason that ever made any sense; that I was broken, that it was my fault somehow.

Is it any wonder that so much of my life has been about trying to justify myself in the light of this, of trying to become that "good dog". Of judging myself against an impossible standard. A constant lurching from one bad to choice to another, and always because I thought they were the right ones. And for each new failure and inability to even come close, another scar, another reminder of what I wasn't. Further proof that my self-esteem was right to be so low. Of how I was such a failure and a bad person. That I was never going to be a proper son or brother or friend. Because I couldn't even be what I was supposed to be, let alone what I should become.

Looking back, I can't help thinking about how much of my life I spent living this way; of trying not to repeat the sins of my past. Of not repeating the actions or behaviour that led to those past failures and trauma. Of, in fact, all the effort I put in to not being myself. Because that, I realise now, was what I was trying to do. I was that round peg and trying to hammer myself into the square hole. Because everything I had learnt had taught me to think that this was how I had to be. That this was how you grew. And in so many ways, I can't help feeling angry about this. About the wasted years, about the scars I carry that were never my fault. About the way I was brought up, even though none of it was ever meant, but only ever well-meant.

#Autism
#Actuallyautistic

rebekka_m, 3 months ago to ADHD

Hypothesis to be discussed with the @actuallyautistic:

The high prevalence of #ADHD in Autistics might be just the symptoms of an overstimulated life, misunderstood communications and lots of trauma that led to cPTSD.

Would also explain why ADHD meds very often don't work for Autistics - but certain antidepressants do.

What do you think?

rebekka_m, 4 months ago to actuallyadhd

For people that are not @actuallyadhd the common medication feels different that for those who are #actuallyADHD - non ADHDers feel like on Coke, very energetic and highly vibrant, similar to using Speed, while ADHDers tend to get calm and focused, able to concentrate at all.

Question [I haven't googled yet]: What is it with antidepressants - if people without a depression take those, do they feel LOTS happier than ever or something different?

Or do you know sth. about this, @actuallyautistic?

LehtoriTuomo, 1 month ago to actuallyautistic

I've been trying to understand what it means that an autistic brain is bombarded with so much information. We spent some time at our summer cottage and I think I got some insight in this.

Instead of seeing the lake in front of my eyes, everywhere I looked I saw a detail. Its size would vary but it would still be a detail. A swan there, its partner there, no leaves on that tree yet, what a cool pattern on the small waves, what does it look like when I move my eyes this way, or that way, a car on the opposite shore, the shadow of the tree, I wonder what seagulls those are etc. A new detail with every single glance.

At the same time my attention tried to keep track of the dog and listened to birds singing and bumblebees flying around.

Now I wonder what it feels like just to see the lake.

#ActuallyAutistic @actuallyautistic

rebekka_m, 4 months ago to random

https://www.alfiekohn.org/blogs/autism - Alfie Kohn, 2020, on ABA, Applied behavior analysis, basically Skinner's operant conditioning, that STILL is in use for/with #autistic people, especially children:

"Suppose you participated in implementing a widely used strategy for dealing with homelessness, only to learn that the most outspoken critics of that intervention were homeless people. Would that not stop you in your tracks?"

Got the blog post via @rabbit_fighter, thanks.

dyani, 27 days ago to actuallyautistic

I can tell when I need to lower the volume of something I'm listening to when I feel a kind of tightening in my ear muscles, and/or ringing in my ears, or a slight feeling of stress coming in from my environment.

I also just try to remember to always proactively lower the volume a couple ticks from what i first set it at, to prevent all those sensations.

What are the signs for you that things are a little too loud?

@actuallyautistic
#actuallyAutistic

rebekka_m, 4 months ago to actuallyautistic

Revenge Bedtime Procrastination:

For most people it's a great Meme source, for some others it's just an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Please discuss.

@actuallyautistic

rebekka_m, 11 months ago to random

Gibt es ein Online Tool, bei dem ich 23 Items eingeben und dann immer je zwei gegeneinander priorisieren kann und am Ende eine komplette durchnummerierte Prio-Liste mit allen 23 Items habe? Send help! Pls Boost bei keiner Ahnung!

skinnylatte, 20 days ago to random

Something I’ve learned, that I feel very strongly about:

All of us grew up believing myths about ourselves. ‘I am not creative,’ or ‘I am like this’. I am a person who doesn’t like cabbage, who loves coffee, I can’t draw to save my life, I can’t cook, I like dessert, or I don’t.

Allowing myself the space to explode some of the myths I’ve believed about myself has been the best thing ever. Who cares if I can’t draw? I’m drawing anyway.

rebekka_m, 5 months ago to Autism

Okay, my outing of the day concerning #autism - I can relate to much of the content on gender identification in this post written by Bianca Toeps: https://www.toeps.nl/blog-en/personal-en/identification.

She also wrote a book "But you don't look autistic at all" which I have started but not finished yet @thestorygraph account, thanks to #AuDHD...], seems OK or even better than OK. Personal journey, sprinkled with facts.

@actuallyautistic

rebekka_m, 5 months ago to actuallyautistic

I currently make an urgently needed clean slate regarding my browser tabs - and so read for the 100s time the Wiki article on #masking. And it just came to me as a flash insight [the German word Geistesblitz is a thing in English, right?]: Masking could be compared to Emotional Labor https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_labor ! I learned about the underlying psychological strategies + concepts during my 2nd studies, also about advice on how to survive it sanely. Maybe this could be a support for @actuallyautistic?

rebekka_m, 4 months ago to random

Finally managed to find a TODO App that I'm using for ALL tasks/chores and, wait for it: I am using it for WEEKS now, DAILY! It is synchable, colorful and easy to use...

It makes all my TODO dreams come true:
https://mytasksapp.com

rebekka_m, 4 months ago to actuallyadhd

This is a quote from Terry #Pratchett|s "The Reaper" about DEATH [retired, nom de plume Bill Door]; and now YOU tell me that there's even one main character in the whole Disc world that's neurotypical?! <3

"Bill Door was aware of undertones and overtones [in communication] in the same way that an astronaut is aware of weather patterns below him; they’re all visible, all there, all laid out for study and all totally divorced from actual experience."

@actuallyautistic @actuallyadhd

rebekka_m, 20 days ago to bookstodon

In parallel I do read A Tall History of Sugar [2019] by Curdella Forbes that takes place in rural #Jamaica and starts in the late 1950ies. Seems very promising, being already on page 47! #bookstodon @bookstodon

rebekka_m, 25 days ago to bookstodon German

Gestern hab ich The Sudden Appearance of Hope [2016] von Claire North beendet [gut, aber nicht revolutionär], heute starte ich mit einem im voraus faszinierenden, hoffentlich nicht zu viel versprechenden Buch:

Mütter Europas - Die letzten 43000 Jahre [2022] von Karin Bojs

#bookstodon @bookstodon

rebekka_m, 5 months ago to random

Really great interview with Jodie Foster in The Guardian!

"There’s something Hugh Grant said [..]: that the fame thing at a young age is like being shot up with steroids and you live with those big muscles your whole life, and then, one day, you make the decision that there are no more steroids. And you don’t recognise yourself and have no idea who you are. And you have to rebuild an entire identity. That can be difficult, and [..] I had to learn late.”
https://www.theguardian.com/film/2024/jan/06/jodie-foster-interview-true-detective

Via @kaltmamsell

rebekka_m, 4 months ago to actuallyautistic

Almost the worst in all this autism testing on adults is/was that the questions for the parents + those for partners/friends all are very clearly directed to NEUROTYPICAL people; concerning tone, wording, and content. "Did your child behave normal [...]" as one of the very bad examples.

Every time I do think about that I almost implode cause I'm laughing so hard at those researchers that developed these questionnaires, and at the same time I am really sad about all this.

@actuallyautistic

rebekka_m, 4 months ago to actuallyautistic

Yay, @niamhgarvey|s book for #actuallyautistic people has arrived in my Packstation [kind of a central locker for post fetchable anytime you want]! :))) And when I added the book as "to read" on @thestorygraph I found a review by @miffyhelen :) so hi there 👋
@actuallyautistic

kkffoo, 1 month ago to actuallyautistic

@actuallyautistic I have managed to get involved in a community for a particular game and not been asked to be a moderator in the social space, this is quite an achievement for my developing unmasked genuine grumpiness :)

rebekka_m, 5 months ago to actuallyautistic

Visual working memory and sensory processing in autistic children, Stevenson et al., 2021:
"Autistic children exhibited [..] advantages in both likelihood of recall and recall precision [..]. When [they] [..] did make errors [..] they showed a higher probability of erroneously binding a given colour with the incorrect spatial location. These data indicate that [..] the [..] cognitive process of binding multiple features of sensory information into one percept was impaired." @actuallyautistic 1/2

cloudpiep, 1 month ago to sewing German

Made a #memoryquilt for my Mum out of six flannel shirts of my recently deceased Dad.
The backing is a fluffy blanket, the binding made of two of his dress shirts.
My dad was a sewist too, he would be so proud.
@sewing

Detail of the binding, where both fabrics are joined.
Detail of the quilttop, in one block I used a piece with the breast pocket.

rebekka_m, 12 days ago to random German

Falls ihr euch mal fragt, warum Wasser nach Starkregen überdurchschnittlich häufig riesige Lachen auf Äckern und Feldern bildet:

Bodenverdichtung durch konventionelle Landwirtschaft. Die schweren Maschinen sorgen schon mit nur ein, zwei Befahrungen für eine kaum/nicht wieder zu renaturierende Schädigung der Böden.

rebekka_m, 1 month ago to random German

Ein Bekannter ist zur Zeit in Ausbildung zum #Allgemeinmediziner und sucht einen #Job als #MFA oder #Arzthelfer in oder bei #Hannover. Falls du etwas weißt/eine Stelle anzubieten hast oder du wen kennst, der oder die etwas wissen könnte, schreib mir einfach. :) Danke <3!

... und ansonsten gilt wie immer: Boost tut gut!