@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social
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MostlyHarmless

@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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It didn't begin with AI or neural implants.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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MostlyHarmless, to random
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How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

MostlyHarmless, to random
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You know fuel prices are high when the guy in the lifted Super Duty isn’t revving his engine at Walmart during mating season.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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MostlyHarmless, to random
@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social avatar

Weird Al Yankovic should release a serious song on April Fools' Day.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver. Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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The worst things in life are also free.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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When you think about how big the Earth is, and then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it's easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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MostlyHarmless, to random
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I don't get offered drugs nearly as often as D.A.R.E. said I would.

MostlyHarmless, to random
@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social avatar

Dear millionaires, if you don’t have a bookshelf that spins into another room then give me your money because you’re spending it wrong.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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Keeping your job is the new raise.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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MostlyHarmless, to random
@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social avatar

I always sleep better in my underwear; you’d think British Airways would understand this.

MostlyHarmless, to random
@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social avatar

Everyone knows pressing the key fob once locks the car, but only the real ones know that pressing it like eight or nine times SUPER locks it.

MostlyHarmless, to random
@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social avatar

Ask your friends to help you move, but hire professional movers instead. For the friends that show up, SURPRISE they get free pizza for being good friends instead of having to carry your futon. Also, backup plan if no one shows up: you have fresh hot pizza while you cry.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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MostlyHarmless, to random
@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social avatar

Childhood is idolizing Batman. Adolescence is when Joker starts to make sense. Adulthood is realizing Commissioner Gordon doesn’t get paid enough to deal with their crap.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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MostlyHarmless, to random
@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social avatar

Andrew Garfield, Toby McGuire and Tom Holland all get into an accident arriving at a party.
As it turns out, they're terrible parallel parkers.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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Slowly, Waldo's wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.

MostlyHarmless, to random
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I don’t care if it’s a kidnapping or bank robbery; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I’m 97% more likely to participate.

MostlyHarmless, to random
@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social avatar

My parents carried credit cards for emergencies; I carry cash for emergencies.

MostlyHarmless, to random
@MostlyHarmless@thecanadian.social avatar

Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because you had a solid alibi and no one will ever find the body.

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