batkaren

batkaren, 2 months ago to random

“And the award for loudest chasm goes to… HOWLING VOID!”

HOWLING VOID: [howls]

The camera pans to Shrieking Abyss, just fucking glaring.

batkaren, 2 months ago to random

“I wish I could say this isn’t how I’ve always known I’d go out,” I think to myself, alone in my apartment, choking on microwave mac & cheese.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

I know I’ve said it before, but this might be the one, The New Yorker! 🤞🏻

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

The most realistic scene in the original Alien movie is when the xenomorph kills Harry Dean Stanton, and the cat just watches in absolute bored indifference.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

CDC says we’re beyond Thunderdome

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

“Wait a sec,” I say, mentally scanning back across the whole of history. “Have our world leaders ALWAYS been idiot murder clowns?”

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

The “o” on my keyboard sometimes doesn’t work, and I can only correct “Accunting” so many times before I just give over to the universe’s will.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

When the aliens get here, they are going to be so impressed by just how many flavors of Mountain Dew we have.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

Sure, everyone’s all “fuck the sun” and “we must destroy the sun,” but perpetual night is how you get a vampire infestation! Like, come on, people—think about the ramifications of blowing up the sun for just a sec.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

I strongly suspect this “invisible” hand of the market is just, like, SUPER white.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

The year is 2027. Bud Cort turns the same age of his Harold and Maude costar’s character.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

If one simply must monger, might I suggest fish or cheese, as opposed to…say…fear or war.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

Throw back to the time my partner woke up in the middle of the night screaming incoherently, then sat bolt upright and intoned in a wretched voice “Oh god I see you I SEE YOU” while pointing straight ahead.

I haven’t slept in years.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

I see no other possible caption, The New Yorker.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

Beneath the bed frame, untouched by man, the dust motes evolved. Beyond bunnies, into herds of free-roaming dust buffalo.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

You grieve the end of your relationship, still unaware all the ways you're now free.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

In the spirit of current movies using slow twee versions of 80s songs, I’d love if the upcoming Deadpool flick included a drawn out, soulful rendition of the old Transformers cartoon theme.

Just Lana Del Ray crooning about robots in disguise being more than meets the eye.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

"No, I wasn't raised by wolves. But why?" I ask, blushing. "Do I seem like I might have been?"

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

At that moment I realized it was, in fact, the Slim Jim that had snapped into me.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

"Your money's no good here."

• vending machines

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

"Get off the train, armless grays," the armed greens order.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

“Welcome to the country's new reality program: INTO THE PIT!"

"W-what's it called?" I ask.

"INTO! THE! PIT!" a previously unseen studio audience chants as the floor gives out beneath me.

batkaren, 3 months ago to random

Genuine fear of vagina dentata is absolutely bonkers—it’s not a Venus flytrap, people!

Vaginas actually maintain an acidic pH level, so it’s really more of a pitcher plant situation.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

We’re all just drops from an ocean, forced into the isolation of our own skin bags, longing to return to that joined source.

The internet is a crutch, simulating a false sense of linkage, permitting the actual connective tissues inside us to atrophy.

Anyway, be sure to like and subscribe.