batkaren

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

This CEO’s a big-picture guy…and that picture is Titanic.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

Wile E. Coyote weeps as he finishes the last bite of Road Runner.

Maybe he’d been wrong. Maybe he’d always been in love.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

Your “best by” date isn’t nearly as helpful as a “still ok by” date would be.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

The care instructions for this orchid read like it's a Mogwai.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

LASSIE: BARK

ME: What is it, girl? Is Timmy stuck in the well?

LASSIE: BARK

ME: Is someone else stuck in the well?

LASSIE: BARK

ME: Is the well okay? Do the well stones need to be re-pointed? Is it well-related?

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

“Think a good thought?”

Buddy, I haven’t thought anything even remotely good since 2008.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

This is the one, The New Yorker, I can feel it in my groin!

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

Guys, it's official. I ran the calculations. I definitely do not want to go to work.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

When my elevator opens on another floor, I say “I’m high risk for Covid and can’t share, but I’ll get out and you can take it”.

I used to say I’m immunocompromised but switched to save time, and now folks seem to think I mean I have Covid and back away like “no no you go” while looking scared.

Honestly wish I’d thought of this years ago — people stepping back from me in disgust is all I ever wanted in life.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

Event horizon jokes are timeless.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

Go deep enough, the floor is always lava.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

🎶 you gotta fight!
🎶 for your right!
🎶 to adequate compensation for workplace-related injuries!

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

Dead bodies expel so much gas because they finally get to release decades of held-in farts.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

"Can everyone just stop?" I plead.

"Stop what?" they ask.

I frantically gesture at everything.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

"Isn't everyone just a decaying meat puppet, slave to an increasingly failing processor?" I ask the Arby's cashier.

She stares absently into the middle distance and nods.

batkaren, 4 months ago to random

Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life…that you don’t regret transforming your passion into a daily drudge for a paycheck.

batkaren, 5 months ago to random

Why do you say “dog and pony show” like that’s a bad thing?

batkaren, 5 months ago to random

“Castle Grayskull will never belong to you, Skeletor!” He-Man says.

“Sure, yeah, okay,” Skeletor says, “but you see how it looks EXACTLY like my face, right?”

batkaren, 5 months ago to random

This lotion booger refuses to either absorb into my skin or be flicked off, so now it's the start of my new hand crust.

batkaren, 5 months ago to random

"Yesssss! Cut us down,” the broccoli florets taunt as each slice increases their numbers. "You'll only make us more powerful.”

batkaren, 5 months ago to random

Never ask Betty Crocker to reveal the secret ingredient in Hamburger Helper…or if the Hamburger Helper originally had five fingers.

lisamelton, 5 months ago to random

Today I'm a single woman. That just keeps messing with my head. Thirty-three years of marriage over. And I feel so many different things about it. Failure, loneliness, anger, relief, joy and even wonder. At what comes next, mostly.

What will I do? I am literally making this up as I go along. And ironically, that makes me feel normal.

Here's a virtual hug for anyone else going through separation or divorce. You can do this and you will survive. 🫂💖

batkaren, 5 months ago to random

Crazy how much accidentally killing a drifter together can totally change a marriage.