roxiqt

roxiqt, 4 months ago to random

The sluttiest thing a man can do is offer you the dill pickle that came with his sandwich because he doesn't want to eat it but also doesn't want to contribute to food waste

roxiqt, 5 months ago to random

ME: [existing off of coffee & 4 hours of sleep per night] why am I so anxious all of the time? it is a mystery...

roxiqt, 7 months ago to random

Okay, I'm just going to come out & say it: I don't know why no one ever discusses this publicly because I feel like deep down, we all know that this is absolutely true but can someone PLEASE explain to me why I've never seen anyone discussing how spectacular pelicans would be at trick-or-treating?

roxiqt, 7 months ago to random

NEPHEW: Does life get easier when you're older?

ME: [eating "ranch blasted" taco shells directly from the box because they are basically giant corn chips] Life doesn't get easier but you learn to adapt

roxiqt, 8 months ago to random

Dating apps are fun in theory but at some point, the other person will want you to go outside so that they can meet you & that is where I lose interest.

roxiqt, 8 months ago to random

If someone asks you to hang out but you don't want to go, the best way to decline is by telling them you are busy & the worst way to decline is by writing "NO" in honey on their car so that it attracts bears.

roxiqt, 8 months ago to random

When I'm not posting, don't worry. I'm fine. When I post hourly, that's when you need to be concerned. That's when the eagles of sadness are soaring close to home. That's when the parrots of gloom are lurking about. That's when the pigeons of darkness are stealing lawn chairs from my balcony again.

roxiqt, 8 months ago to random

Some people start celebrating Halloween in September & some people don't believe in happiness or joy. How you choose to live your life is up to you. The world is a diverse and interesting place.

roxiqt, 8 months ago to random

I don't want a perfect summer body. I want a perfect autumn body. I want leaves to change color as I walk by them. I want to smell like a pumpkin spice latte 24 hours a day. I want to replace my head with a jack-o-lantern.

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old-fashioned way (I am a goat that wants to cross over a bridge, he is a troll that asks me to answer his riddles three)

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

Girls don't want a boyfriend, they want pants with pockets.

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

Your honor, my client said "lol" so that means the "crime" was just a joke

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

I don't dress up to impress people. I dress up so that if I randomly turn into a ghost, I won't hate the outfit that I'm stuck wearing forever.

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

We should invent a job where someone gives out accurate info on how to avoid getting infected with the plague so we can actually get the pandemic under control. Maybe, someone who cared about the public's health? Perhaps a team of people? We could call it "public health." Just a new idea I invented.

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

Going lucid dreaming in the nightmare dimension to see if I can trick Mothman into falling in love with me, y'all need anything?

CrockettForReal, 9 months ago to random

If two slices of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

donni, 9 months ago to random

I am good in a crisis and as a reward I get to experience many of them

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

One day, I'm going to find a skeleton king with a haunted pirate ship & you'll wish you had texted me back. But it will be too late by then because cell reception is very bad in the middle of the ocean.

CrockettForReal, 9 months ago to random

If Daft Punk can wear a mask for 28 years surely you can wear one to buy tomatoes

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

FRIEND: You're invited to my baby's gender reveal party!

ME: [remembering the gender reveal forest fire, the gender reveal plane crash & the gender reveal explosions] Is that a threat?

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Especially if who they are is someone that randomly bursts into thousands of bats.

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

It's always weird meeting someone you immediately vibe with. Like, sure, we're obviously soulmates but how do I know you didn't wrong me in a previous life? Did you steal my horse? Did I steal yours? Did we steal horses together & fall in love in our previous life as horse thieves? Much to consider.

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

I hate waking up in an abandoned mine that has been sealed off by the government due to "poltergeist activity." If there was a poltergeist here, I'd know about it but there isn't. Honestly, the suggestion fills me with rage. It makes me want to scream & smash things.

roxiqt, 9 months ago to random

Locking your heart in a cage so you don't risk getting hurt is fine. But you miss out on the most beautiful aspect of being alive. How do you think a caterpillar turns into a butterfly? Oh, to be loved. But no, I don't think the edible has kicked in. I would notice if the edible kicked in, Veronica.