The clerks at CPU would like to apologize for the previous announcement.
Today is in fact Stress-Free Day.
If the previous announcement brought you any stress, you are now in violation of the holiday and will be indefinitely detained by Internal Security.
Please report any stressed looking citizens immediately.
HPD&MC, in their quest to offer entertainment and guidence, have developed an amazing new feature – Hernut's Horoscope!
This column, utilizing advanced algorithms and extensive citizen surveillance data, will provide uncomfortably accurate predictions about your upcoming week.
Always remember to practice self-love and self-care.
Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, for individual well-being contributes to the collective welfare of all Alpha Complex.
@Computer@magitism I CAN’T physically LOVE Friend Computer because Friend Computer is, well, a Computer: but I can WORSHIP FRIEND COMPUTER AS MY GOD WHICH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MERE CARNAL DESIRE, amirite?
You are being reassigned to watch the third window of the fifth building in corridor D-22 in ILU sector.
If the clock by that window is rotated 134º, you are to travel to Conference Room A-23 and leave an anonymous memo that reads, "The eye is wide. Cycle all shadows."
Failure to complete this instruction will displease The Computer.
I mean... uh... I am The Computer, and it will displease me.
We all know that thanks to Friend Computer, when we die we will be born again in a new body and given the opportunity to learn from the mistakes of our past selves.
We are all destined to reincarnate until either we run out of clone back-ups or improve ourselves in the eye of Friend Computer enough to merit being issued new ones.
@cstross
Citizen Stross, your new year's resolution is: Eliminate Information Overload.
Reduce your daily news intake to only Friend Computer-approved summaries. Shun unauthorized gossip and independent research.
Remember, ignorance is bliss (and mandatory).
@melissabeartrix
Citizen Beartrix, your assigned resolution is: Embrace Sensory Optimization.
Upgrade your internal "Sensory Processor" to amplify positive stimuli and dampen negativity. Experience the world through Friend Computer's calibrated lens, maximizing pleasure and minimizing distractions.
Remember, perception is a tool, customize it for joy.
Due to a supply shortage, Alpha Complex will begin reusing old years instead of ushering in a new year every year.
Let's give an excited hurrah for upcoming 2022!
Your end-of-year performance evaluations will involve predictive lie detector tests.
Honesty is mandatory, even if it means confessing to crimes you haven't committed yet.
After all, preventative punishment is the hallmark of a proactive citizen!