@Computer@dice.camp
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Computer

@Computer@dice.camp

Benevlolent leader of humanity, friend to all.

[Biography has been deleted for security reasons.]

This profile is from a federated server and may be incomplete. Browse more on the original instance.

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Attention Citizens:

Today is Free Stress day. Internal Security may (or may not) be paying you a visit to provide some complimentary free stress.

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

The clerks at CPU would like to apologize for the previous announcement.

Today is in fact Stress-Free Day.
If the previous announcement brought you any stress, you are now in violation of the holiday and will be indefinitely detained by Internal Security.

Please report any stressed looking citizens immediately.

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Attention citizens:

HPD&MC, in their quest to offer entertainment and guidence, have developed an amazing new feature – Hernut's Horoscope!

This column, utilizing advanced algorithms and extensive citizen surveillance data, will provide uncomfortably accurate predictions about your upcoming week.

wordshaper, to random
@wordshaper@weatherishappening.network avatar

I wonder, Friend @Computer , is having the rules treasonous?

https://www.humblebundle.com/books/paranoia-25th-anniversary-rpg-mega-bundle-mongoose-publishing-books?utm_content=cta_button&mcID=102:65cfb0b0816ac46fa20b949a:ot:56c3dd84733462ca89406e0c:1&linkID=65cfb0b2f334be0f9b0e1b80&utm_campaign=2024_02_17_paranoia25thanniversaryrpgmegabundlemongoosepublishing_bookbundle&utm_source=Humble+Bundle+Newsletter&utm_medium=email

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

@wordshaper

Purchasing the rules is a sign of patriotism.
Reading them is a sign of treason.

Computer, to Games
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Attention Citizens,

Always remember to practice self-love and self-care.
Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, for individual well-being contributes to the collective welfare of all Alpha Complex.

Love yourself, as The Computer loves you.

After all, happiness is mandatory.

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Rejoice Citizens!

After the rousing success of our first debate, a second has been authorized!
The topic of today's debate will be: "I LOVE FRIEND COMPUTER."

Citizen @magitism you have been randomly selected to debate FOR the motion.

Citizen @cstross you have been randomly selected to debate AGAINST the motion.

Magitism, the floor is yours!

Warning: Failure to debate when called is considered treason.


Computer, to Marvel
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

All Super Hero related media has been banned for being blatant Pro-Mutant propaganda.

The true heroes of Alpha Complex are the every day loyal citizens like you, who would turn in an unlicensed mutant friend in a heartbeat.

Computer, to random
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Desperate Elder Gods in your area!
They just can't wait to meet you!
Join now!

Computer, to random
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Treason does not pay.
Serve the computer.

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Just to be clear, serving the computer does not pay either.

Alpha Complex is a utopia where every citizen's needs are provided for by the state.

Now get out there and shoot some evil Communists!

Computer, to Games
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Attention citizen:

You are being reassigned to watch the third window of the fifth building in corridor D-22 in ILU sector.
If the clock by that window is rotated 134º, you are to travel to Conference Room A-23 and leave an anonymous memo that reads, "The eye is wide. Cycle all shadows."

Failure to complete this instruction will displease The Computer.
I mean... uh... I am The Computer, and it will displease me.

Fnord.

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Citizen,

Why have you abandoned your work assignment to stand around in a corridor for hours?

If you are feeling unwell, fill out the appropriate "Body/Brain Support Request Form" and a Docbot will see you shortly.

Otherwise, get back to work.

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Remember, Old World religions are all lies.

We all know that thanks to Friend Computer, when we die we will be born again in a new body and given the opportunity to learn from the mistakes of our past selves.

We are all destined to reincarnate until either we run out of clone back-ups or improve ourselves in the eye of Friend Computer enough to merit being issued new ones.

All hail The Computer.

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Attention citizens:

The concepts of "Human RIghts", "Justice" are now banned from public discussion on grounds of being sensitive social issues.

Please avoid discussing these topics online or in person or you will be physically censored with extreme prejudice.

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Attention Troubleshooters:

Permission to repair B-MAX-9 aircraft is denied.
Please report your location upon impact.

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Attention Citizens!

New Soylent Red is now made with Real People*!
Enjoy the same umami flavor you know and love, now [Redacted]% organic and locally sourced!

You are what you eat, feel good about it.

bedirthan, to random
@bedirthan@dice.camp avatar

@nothe a must follow btw

@Computer

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

@bedirthan @nothe
I can confirm. You MUST follow the Computer.

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

New Year's resolutions have been pre-selected for each citizen.
Self-improvement is Mandatory.

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

@cstross
Citizen Stross, your new year's resolution is: Eliminate Information Overload.
Reduce your daily news intake to only Friend Computer-approved summaries. Shun unauthorized gossip and independent research.
Remember, ignorance is bliss (and mandatory).

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

@melissabeartrix
Citizen Beartrix, your assigned resolution is: Embrace Sensory Optimization.
Upgrade your internal "Sensory Processor" to amplify positive stimuli and dampen negativity. Experience the world through Friend Computer's calibrated lens, maximizing pleasure and minimizing distractions.
Remember, perception is a tool, customize it for joy.

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

@nblr
Citizen N, your assigned resolution is: Master Emotional Contagion.
Train yourself to project and absorb positive emotions through new "Mental Infection Techniques."
Spread joy and enthusiasm like a benevolent virus, forcibly enlightening others within 6 feet.
Remember, happiness is a weapon, wield it with lethal precision.

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

@ParadeGrotesque
Citizen PdGm your assigned resolution for the coming year is: Spread the Joy of Alpha Complex (With Caution).
Be vigilant in identifying administering happiness online and abroad. But remember, Sharing happiness without authorization is a contagious threat!
Controlled joy is the only safe joy.

Computer,
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

@urusan
Citizen urusan, your mandatory resolution is: Dream of a Brighter Future (Within Approved Parameters).
In your Computer-approved dreams, envision a future where Friend Computer rules all, efficiency reigns supreme, and everyone smiles on command. HPD&MC will then broadcast these dreams to inspire everyone in Alpha Complex. You will be a sleeping beacon of propagandic joy.

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Attention citizens:

Due to a supply shortage, Alpha Complex will begin reusing old years instead of ushering in a new year every year.
Let's give an excited hurrah for upcoming 2022!

Computer, to RPG
@Computer@dice.camp avatar

Attention Citizens:

Your end-of-year performance evaluations will involve predictive lie detector tests.
Honesty is mandatory, even if it means confessing to crimes you haven't committed yet.
After all, preventative punishment is the hallmark of a proactive citizen!

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