I've been asking myself a lot of big questions and doing a lot of introspection into my #neurodiversity and #cptsd and wooooo boy did I not realize the definitions I thought for a lot of things were actually backwards.
Like I always thought things like '#perfectionism' was about trying to be perfect in every aspect in your life but it's the opposite: You refuse to allow yourself to fail. To not be good at things right away. To not take 'better than last time' as enough.
I've always been messy and unorganized, but I had no idea it was all a form of control. By keeping things messy I kept things predictable. And when I tried to clean I had all or nothing thinking about cleaning a WHOLE desk or a WHOLE room - which is especially exhausting with anxiety and depression eating up valuable energy.
Turns out, the real bar is just 'better than before'.
I'm drafting up a looooooong message to mom explaining the mechanics of the whole situation since it is a lot to remember for casual conversation and order. I've been through a lot this month.
And at the end of it, I'll be linking multiple informative trans-related essays and an excerpt of The Gender Dysphoria Bible.
The whole thing is almost done. I gave definitions of HRT, gender euphoria, and gender dysphoria. I also went a step-by-step process of the two-pronged method I used to obtain #HRT . I also told of why I used the Venmo + PayPal thing to begin with and gave insight into just how well-prepared I was in this.
I also ask "Would any cis person go to this level of preparation on order to change their gender?" Then answer is no.
Transfemme Mastodon has been a giant love-fest of nothing but support from the moment I set foot here. Even the radical politics are borne of a sense of self-preservation and righteousness.
I love this place. And considering my egg cracked only two weeks ago in an explosive mess, I have never been more sure of who I am than in this moment. Transfemme Mastodon has only affirmed that.
I eagerly await to start #HRT in the next few weeks and have my body coccoon into a wonderful, feminine butterfly.
I would also be remiss if I didn't mention the essays by @Impossible_PhD as being a significant part of my egg cracking. Or at least deepening the cracks until the egg exploded. Especially this one as it was read at the right time.
So in your mystical fantasies, do you have a list of folks that… if reincarnation is real, you’d want to connect with in the next life? I know I do, and it’s a pretty short list tbh. I’ve had two friends give me that kind of unsolicited recognition in the last week, one way or the other, and it has been extremely gratifying to know I’ve had that kind of impact on someone’s life. #Musings#ruminations
Also, the #SpermBankSaga of mine has concluded. I know what I did wrong last time and I followed the instructions closely this time.
It is done. And if I still get rejected or have a problem there, I'm just going to say "Fuck it" and continue #transition . Bio kids would be neat, but there are other ways to have children (if I want them in 10-15 years) if bio kids just aren't in the cards.
*Trans Experiences: The story of the Kiwi, being misgendered, and of chicken pies **
A week ago I was misgendered in a local butcher's shop buying a pie. This is so rare now! The bloke was a Kiwi who knew me pre-transition and hasn't seen me in ~3 years. I was called "mate", likely from prior voice familiarity. I didn't confront on the spot as I sensed a pure accident, a slip
My first reaction? Ouch! Of course was I don't want to go back there
I mull it over, as is my wont
I decide I WILL go back this morning, pre-armed with my ferociously femme glasses and a withering pre-prepared line in mind
I walk in
He sees me and immediately says "Hello, young lady". He is over-polite
He knows he got it wrong before. I know it too 💜
I accept his undoubted "lady", smile back pleasantly at the more dubious "young"
And by going back, I reclaim that space, lose not a drop of trans agency or my pride :Fire_Trans: I will be myself, neither weak nor meek
When I put a video up on Youtube, I post on here, Insta, and FB. I literally get 10 times the reactions on here as I do on either of the others :axolotl_shock: :blobhaj_heart:
I've literally only been on the fedi for half a year, yet it's both better for my music and for my own enjoyment :zerotwo_hearts:
Considering the userbase here isn't even that big, it really feels like a quality-over-quantity situation :charmander_yay:
I listened to my body when I realized that I am #trans . So that serve me well.
I made my decision. I'm going to go full-speed ahead on transition.
But as soon as I the GoFundMe pays me out, I am buying a Legacy kit. And if all goes well, it'll take less than one week from today.
It's a gamble, but I'll see if I still produce viable sperm when the kit arrives. And after the preparations, I'll walk down about 15-20 minutes to the post office with the mail-order package. Then I walk back home.
This will be the first time I take a long walk in femme attire. But it's also walking down to around the area of a Planet Fitness. So if I can do this well, I can hit a gym and make this a habit.
If it turns out I am non-viable, I won't care. I'll take it as a sign it wasn't meant to be. And I can still adopt, step-parent, or use a partner's frozen sperm (if I date #T4T ).
I can't handle trying to hold back transition anymore.
I am a veteran software engineer who works as a freelancer from their home.
I love modernizing ancient software by carefully, slowly rewriting while it is still operating - without disruptions.
Currently I have two wonderful, awesome, really amazing clients between whom I split my time roughly about 50:50.
For the first one, I am the "Primus inter pares" in a team rewriting a 20-yo C++ & JS-based system in modern nodeJS + Typescript. My main job there is not to write code (it seems), but review PRs, review code, give coding guidelines, merge PRs, and make sure everything my team needs is there: test servers, development server, on-premise Gitlab, on-premise Mattermost, a good/respectful/lovely atmosphere, a lot of fun, and what else we need to deliver an awesome product. The team is amazing, the atmosphere is full of respect and love; I will stay with this team as long as I can.
For the second client, I am rewriting a 15+ year old system (Java, Java/Swift/Vue1.x-FE; rpc-like crap-API) using go(BE), gRPC (API) and dart/flutter (FE).
Here I am the core developer for the new client and the new back-end. The back-end is, for now, a proxy/a wrapper around the existing one. Behind that wrapper, two wonderful co-workers are modernizing & optimizing the Java-BE. This team here is equally as lovely as one can ever hope for; and yes, I will stay with this team as long as I can as well.
Oh, and BTW: people in both teams are nearly 100% remote.
I am married to a wonderful, an absolutely amazing person who is so full of love that she sometimes struggles with the universe (or with humanity). And I am a proud father (yes, "father"*) of a woman with a brilliant Beautiful Mind and a heart as big as the universe (who also happens to have Mastery of Words™️).
I love learning new things from complete strangers. The stranger the new knowledge the more fascinating it is for me.
I have a #FragMyBrain (autistic, ocd, nd) so be ready for detailed explanations, where each word is carefully chosen & positioned in the sentence, but still some missing - when you ask me something.
I quickly fall in love with brilliant people with language mastery skills - Mastery of Words™️.
You can always shitpost with me & talk garbage - as long as it is done intelligently, with wit & humor, and respect.
The fastest way to land on my block list is not to make a mistake, but to repeatedly make the same stupid mistake again and again and insist on it being right. There is always enough space in the "Dungeon of Blocked Accounts" (and being racists, queer-/transphobic, ableist, disrespectful, white supremecist, etc., etc. - you know what I mean).
I will add CW and mark as sensitive whenever I think so. If I forget once, please inform me and I'll correct it as fast as I can. I don't discuss whether something needs CW/sensitive marker or not, I just accept it.
I wear my feelings on my skin, i.e. what you see is how I really am, there is no IRL Imdat Celeste and a different, Fediverse Imdat Celeste: you will see a lot of 🫂,💜,😍,🥰,🥹,😳... and more. If you feel it is intruding, please let me know.
I come over differently, but I am also insecure: so, I will add a lot of emojis - just to be sure.
Also, please don't expect a "normal person" here: I am completely, utterly, hopelessly an un-normal person.
Also, my posts my start with one specific topic but during the text itself it may just become something completely different - "Train of Thought".
Again, nice to meet you - I am always looking for more new friends...
*: I am a trans non-binary person. When I came out to her, my daughter asked me how she should call me from then on and since it is an honor to be her father, that, yeah, I am and will always be that.
We all have this situation: you have a beautiful photo that you would like to post. A photo that somehow moved you, touched you, and you would like to share that feeling. Whether it is happiness, sadness, melancholy, or even anger.
But…
You have to write an alt text, a description for B/VI persons. You may feel weariness , you may dread, even hate it.
No, I am absolutely no exception here.
You think “how can I describe this image, this photo? „a bee on flower“, no, to short, but what? I wish there was some software which could just describe what I feel…”
And then you either (a) refrain from posting and feel somehow “betrayed” or (b) reluctantly write an alt text…
Yes, I get it, we, the people who can see, who can enjoy the visual beauty of the Universe,… some of us hate to write down what they see, what they feel … or feel forced to write an alt text.
Yes! I really get it! I feel you!
But…
If we want to make this beautiful world better, more beautiful, more enjoyable, then we are obligated to - nay: it is our solemn duty - to make the whole world accessible to each and every one of us; so that each and every one of us can live their real lives, be their selves; so that the brilliance and beauty of each and every one of us can flourish and contribute to this magical thing, to this miracle that we call Life!
Imagine a world where being B/VI is the norm (99.99999%) and being able to see the exception. And you were one of those being able to see. Wouldn’t you think that your ability is a privilege?
I know: doing good, being good is not easy.
But no worthwhile thing doing is easy. It is hard! But it is hard because it is worthwhile, and it is hard because it is Good.
Being bad, doing bad, being evil is easy : just don’t do anything! Just let others do the work! Just ignore every suffering, every pain! Being bad is easy…
To be good you have to actively do things, you have to act, you have to take a position, a stand… sometimes you have to say “until here and no further!” Sometimes you have to fight, even some horrible battles…
But this is it: It. Is. Worth. It! Only by doing good can we make the world a better place.
Next time you despair in front of your screen at the prompt “alt text”, please know: you are a good person! You are making the world a better place! You. Are. My. Hero!
And don’t forget: your alt text is good, and you will get better over time … it just needs practice to … be good!
I was contemplating this earlier today. I do wonder to what degree the fact that global news has in a lot of respects become local news, through the internet and other mechanisms is effecting our #mentalHealth as a whole. Irrespective of your own class, privilege or anything of the sort, where news about wars, killings, horrible accidents etc. was previously mostly confined to your own town, province or at the most, country, we now passively consume horrible news from a great many more places, and a lot of the time, it's really only the bad news that gets screen time. So-and-so blew up. Potential dictator in X. Y might decide to take over the world next week, viewers beware. That kind of unending torrential downpour of doom and misery CAN'T be good for you. Being well-informed and empathic to the struggles in the world is all wel land good but when I see people who say they explicitly DON'T watch the news anymore I really can't blame them. #musings
In my mind, the work ends after I've processed the audio, then edited and rendered the video that goes with it.
In reality, once that gets uploaded, I have to fill in all of the various text boxes for the video, then send out like 7 or 8 different public messages saying that it got uploaded :blobfox_cry_laugh:
With that said, the worst part...the worst part is the waiting that happens after it's all done :axolotl_shock:
Hours and hours of practice to play the piece. At least an hour or two to record (in case of live events, having someone actually be there to record because I haven't figured out how to spawn shadow clones yet). An hour or light audio engineering, another 2 hours of video editing, and an hour doing all of the stuff mentioned in the beginning of this post.
And then you have to sit back and hope that people like it. Hope that it catches peoples' eyes :big_heart_eyes: (speaking of which, I really need to find someone that'd be willing to trade time with me for the thumbnails). Hope that people don't click off of it in seconds. Hope that they click the like, comment, subscribe...all of the things that the algorithm desires :cat_gun:
And hoping that, hopefully, just hopefully, they'll throw me a dollar or two for the effort :leafeon_money:
With live shows, the hard part is mostly in getting it set up and preparing. The show is the easy part, and you can see peoples' immediate responses to it :espeon_love:
Recorded stuff, though? Once everything's out there, you can't do anything. The wait's bloody terrifying :cat_scared: