The #transition will start and #HRT will be allowed to do its magic. I am fully willing to keep a daily photo timeline of how my body will change. Hell, I'm also willing to photograph the pace of my breast development. Unsure if I'll post the NSFW stuff here, but I'll surely CW it if I do.
The pentecostals talked constantly about the afterlife. Heaven. In but not of the world. How did they get from that (which came with its own problems such as climate denial) to wanting to dominate and rule every aspect of society?
#Dominionism is the theological justification, but I think it's a subconscious realization that they wasted their time. They want their reward and power now.
Transfemme Mastodon has been a giant love-fest of nothing but support from the moment I set foot here. Even the radical politics are borne of a sense of self-preservation and righteousness.
I love this place. And considering my egg cracked only two weeks ago in an explosive mess, I have never been more sure of who I am than in this moment. Transfemme Mastodon has only affirmed that.
I eagerly await to start #HRT in the next few weeks and have my body coccoon into a wonderful, feminine butterfly.
I would also be remiss if I didn't mention the essays by @Impossible_PhD as being a significant part of my egg cracking. Or at least deepening the cracks until the egg exploded. Especially this one as it was read at the right time.
I know we should blame billionaires for a lot of shit happening in the world, but looking at the spam that hits our server or the web3 scams, I do wonder what happened if all the criminal energy would be used for something ... good.
It's both a wonderful and an odd feeling :cat_mlem:
On one hand, that's a lot of people that found my thoughts worth their time and attention :cat_wow: :espeon_love:
On the other hand, my most faved post is words, not music (which runs counter to my usual sort-of-self-depricating motto of "I'm a musician, not a wordsmith" :blobfox_laugh_sweat: )
:blobhaj_think: Huh...does this mean I can finally give myself permission to call myself a bard without adding an asterisk? :zerotwo_flushed: :dracthyr_yay:
When I put a video up on Youtube, I post on here, Insta, and FB. I literally get 10 times the reactions on here as I do on either of the others :axolotl_shock: :blobhaj_heart:
I've literally only been on the fedi for half a year, yet it's both better for my music and for my own enjoyment :zerotwo_hearts:
Considering the userbase here isn't even that big, it really feels like a quality-over-quantity situation :charmander_yay:
In my mind, the work ends after I've processed the audio, then edited and rendered the video that goes with it.
In reality, once that gets uploaded, I have to fill in all of the various text boxes for the video, then send out like 7 or 8 different public messages saying that it got uploaded :blobfox_cry_laugh:
With that said, the worst part...the worst part is the waiting that happens after it's all done :axolotl_shock:
Hours and hours of practice to play the piece. At least an hour or two to record (in case of live events, having someone actually be there to record because I haven't figured out how to spawn shadow clones yet). An hour or light audio engineering, another 2 hours of video editing, and an hour doing all of the stuff mentioned in the beginning of this post.
And then you have to sit back and hope that people like it. Hope that it catches peoples' eyes :big_heart_eyes: (speaking of which, I really need to find someone that'd be willing to trade time with me for the thumbnails). Hope that people don't click off of it in seconds. Hope that they click the like, comment, subscribe...all of the things that the algorithm desires :cat_gun:
And hoping that, hopefully, just hopefully, they'll throw me a dollar or two for the effort :leafeon_money:
With live shows, the hard part is mostly in getting it set up and preparing. The show is the easy part, and you can see peoples' immediate responses to it :espeon_love:
Recorded stuff, though? Once everything's out there, you can't do anything. The wait's bloody terrifying :cat_scared:
Another shower, another #FragMyBrain. I am really trying to reduce showering in order to stop having these stupid thoughts. But, hey, I can't stop having showers, can I?
Whenever I post something, and especially if it is something sad, and people respond not only with "Favorite" but write something, my brain goes bananas.
I could just favorite their response, they probably don't even think I'd respond, but at the very least they don't really expect a response. But just favoriting a response where someone says "I feel you, take care" or sends a hug or something, feels like ... disrespectful. It feels like I am saying "yeah, ok, whatever" - at least for my brain. And no, I don't think this way the other way around. It is only when I do/don't do it.
The next thought is "but what if they think the same and if I respond to their response they feel the obligation to respond again and this becomes a catch-22? What if they just wanted to say 'I feel you' and hoped I would just favorite it and done with it. If I respond, do I put them in a weird situation, make them uncomfortable? Wouldn't it be better just to favorite? But then, won't they think 'eh, fine. They didn't see my response worth a response, so they don't value it...'?"
You see, this goes on and on.
And then there is this variation: I then start responding, but this creates other problems.
If there are a lot of responses to my original post, I don't want my responses to these responses look like copy/paste, because then, my fragging brain thinks, it could come over as lazy, then I should rather not respond at all. "It is disrespectful to just copy/paste or even give the impression it is copy/paste."
Ok, then let's start writing different responses, problem solved, right? Wrong!
There is the next problem: but what if the responses are different but some of them (very) short, others (very) long. Won't the ones I responded to with a short response think I value their responses less than the responses where I responded longer? And the emojis: which emojis to use where? Won't the ones getting a "cheaper emoji"* think that their response is valued less than the response of those getting "not so cheap emojis"*?
Yes, I still have to live with this fraggin' brain 😖
*: cheap: my brain thinks that those that just look like a face are cheap because they are at the beginning of my emoji-view. The further I have to travel, the less cheap they become... Did I say that I still have to live another 78 years with this collection of garbage I call a brain?
*Trans Experiences: The story of the Kiwi, being misgendered, and of chicken pies **
A week ago I was misgendered in a local butcher's shop buying a pie. This is so rare now! The bloke was a Kiwi who knew me pre-transition and hasn't seen me in ~3 years. I was called "mate", likely from prior voice familiarity. I didn't confront on the spot as I sensed a pure accident, a slip
My first reaction? Ouch! Of course was I don't want to go back there
I mull it over, as is my wont
I decide I WILL go back this morning, pre-armed with my ferociously femme glasses and a withering pre-prepared line in mind
I walk in
He sees me and immediately says "Hello, young lady". He is over-polite
He knows he got it wrong before. I know it too 💜
I accept his undoubted "lady", smile back pleasantly at the more dubious "young"
And by going back, I reclaim that space, lose not a drop of trans agency or my pride :Fire_Trans: I will be myself, neither weak nor meek
I am a veteran software engineer who works as a freelancer from their home.
I love modernizing ancient software by carefully, slowly rewriting while it is still operating - without disruptions.
Currently I have two wonderful, awesome, really amazing clients between whom I split my time roughly about 50:50.
For the first one, I am the "Primus inter pares" in a team rewriting a 20-yo C++ & JS-based system in modern nodeJS + Typescript. My main job there is not to write code (it seems), but review PRs, review code, give coding guidelines, merge PRs, and make sure everything my team needs is there: test servers, development server, on-premise Gitlab, on-premise Mattermost, a good/respectful/lovely atmosphere, a lot of fun, and what else we need to deliver an awesome product. The team is amazing, the atmosphere is full of respect and love; I will stay with this team as long as I can.
For the second client, I am rewriting a 15+ year old system (Java, Java/Swift/Vue1.x-FE; rpc-like crap-API) using go(BE), gRPC (API) and dart/flutter (FE).
Here I am the core developer for the new client and the new back-end. The back-end is, for now, a proxy/a wrapper around the existing one. Behind that wrapper, two wonderful co-workers are modernizing & optimizing the Java-BE. This team here is equally as lovely as one can ever hope for; and yes, I will stay with this team as long as I can as well.
Oh, and BTW: people in both teams are nearly 100% remote.
I am married to a wonderful, an absolutely amazing person who is so full of love that she sometimes struggles with the universe (or with humanity). And I am a proud father (yes, "father"*) of a woman with a brilliant Beautiful Mind and a heart as big as the universe (who also happens to have Mastery of Words™️).
I love learning new things from complete strangers. The stranger the new knowledge the more fascinating it is for me.
I have a #FragMyBrain (autistic, ocd, nd) so be ready for detailed explanations, where each word is carefully chosen & positioned in the sentence, but still some missing - when you ask me something.
I quickly fall in love with brilliant people with language mastery skills - Mastery of Words™️.
You can always shitpost with me & talk garbage - as long as it is done intelligently, with wit & humor, and respect.
The fastest way to land on my block list is not to make a mistake, but to repeatedly make the same stupid mistake again and again and insist on it being right. There is always enough space in the "Dungeon of Blocked Accounts" (and being racists, queer-/transphobic, ableist, disrespectful, white supremecist, etc., etc. - you know what I mean).
I will add CW and mark as sensitive whenever I think so. If I forget once, please inform me and I'll correct it as fast as I can. I don't discuss whether something needs CW/sensitive marker or not, I just accept it.
I wear my feelings on my skin, i.e. what you see is how I really am, there is no IRL Imdat Celeste and a different, Fediverse Imdat Celeste: you will see a lot of 🫂,💜,😍,🥰,🥹,😳... and more. If you feel it is intruding, please let me know.
I come over differently, but I am also insecure: so, I will add a lot of emojis - just to be sure.
Also, please don't expect a "normal person" here: I am completely, utterly, hopelessly an un-normal person.
Also, my posts my start with one specific topic but during the text itself it may just become something completely different - "Train of Thought".
Again, nice to meet you - I am always looking for more new friends...
*: I am a trans non-binary person. When I came out to her, my daughter asked me how she should call me from then on and since it is an honor to be her father, that, yeah, I am and will always be that.
Warning: POTENTIAL DYSPHORIA TRIGGER, CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN RISK!
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I realized my sense of beauty, which was not too much influenced by our male dominated society’s view anyway, has changed slightly, and has become by now not influenced by the society at all anymore.
But the other thing is interesting: my sense of “pretty” and “cute” in people has changed completely - I mean, really completely.
I used to think Heidi Klum is pretty - or people like her; or a handful of men (I can’t really mention any).
But since a few months they feel just “meh” for me… Those people, for me, are not pretty but just “yeah, ok, fine”.
I know this is not HRT induced because I started that back in February 2022, and secretly even before that.
My sense of pretty has shifted completely in a way that I find pretty my siblings, whether they are trans or ND or both; I find trans our supporters pretty and cute; I find people who take a stand against fascism, racism, transphobia, … pretty and cute…
Whether they have just woken up with a huge hangover after a long party in the night or preparing to go to such party or preparing food, shopping, gardening or just going on their day while doing nothing or something … pretty and cute.
…. I could continue adding hundreds and hundreds and would still not be done for hours on end…
And when I say “pretty” I mean it - all of you are beautiful, each in their own way - but, for me, you are all so pretty, so cute (please don’t kill me, @Terra , please?)
Gender Dysphoria: I deliberately stopped using this term or dysphoric (whenever possible) a while back. I have been incredibly uneasy as a trans woman how loaded the term still is with medical diagnosis and mental health connotations. It is imho:
a term of our oppression
a phrase of 'symbolic violence' (as Judith Butler might say)
a weak dilution of 'gender identity disorder'
I do not deny the experience, I deny the medicalisation, weaponisation and causes
IF in rejecting this term at every level I lose my ability to get a UK Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC), then so be it.
No compromise
I keep my pride, my full trans agency and that - for me - is far more priceless :butterfly_trans:
Gender dysphoria isn't something I have
Gender, now this I do have in spades :Fire_Trans:
We all have this situation: you have a beautiful photo that you would like to post. A photo that somehow moved you, touched you, and you would like to share that feeling. Whether it is happiness, sadness, melancholy, or even anger.
But…
You have to write an alt text, a description for B/VI persons. You may feel weariness , you may dread, even hate it.
No, I am absolutely no exception here.
You think “how can I describe this image, this photo? „a bee on flower“, no, to short, but what? I wish there was some software which could just describe what I feel…”
And then you either (a) refrain from posting and feel somehow “betrayed” or (b) reluctantly write an alt text…
Yes, I get it, we, the people who can see, who can enjoy the visual beauty of the Universe,… some of us hate to write down what they see, what they feel … or feel forced to write an alt text.
Yes! I really get it! I feel you!
But…
If we want to make this beautiful world better, more beautiful, more enjoyable, then we are obligated to - nay: it is our solemn duty - to make the whole world accessible to each and every one of us; so that each and every one of us can live their real lives, be their selves; so that the brilliance and beauty of each and every one of us can flourish and contribute to this magical thing, to this miracle that we call Life!
Imagine a world where being B/VI is the norm (99.99999%) and being able to see the exception. And you were one of those being able to see. Wouldn’t you think that your ability is a privilege?
I know: doing good, being good is not easy.
But no worthwhile thing doing is easy. It is hard! But it is hard because it is worthwhile, and it is hard because it is Good.
Being bad, doing bad, being evil is easy : just don’t do anything! Just let others do the work! Just ignore every suffering, every pain! Being bad is easy…
To be good you have to actively do things, you have to act, you have to take a position, a stand… sometimes you have to say “until here and no further!” Sometimes you have to fight, even some horrible battles…
But this is it: It. Is. Worth. It! Only by doing good can we make the world a better place.
Next time you despair in front of your screen at the prompt “alt text”, please know: you are a good person! You are making the world a better place! You. Are. My. Hero!
And don’t forget: your alt text is good, and you will get better over time … it just needs practice to … be good!
Holy shit, I just thought about AI, and I realized that a potential pitfall of AI art is massive degeneration.
Like, remember how you take a pic from the internet and it gets pixelated? And then the JPG artifacts get worse and worse?
If people start using AI art to generate their stuff, later that AI art will in turn get scanned by other AI, and it will be like Ouroboros: The snake that keeps eating itself.
Apart from creativity disappearing, the AI art will start converging into one single female face, one single futuristic background, the same type of buildings and cityscapes, because it will keep modeling the same things over and over and over...