davep

@davep@infosec.exchange

Does IT stuff.

Likes permaculture, infosec, Tranmere Rovers. But mainly bad jokes stolen from https://www.justthetalk.co.uk/thehaven/17468/urgent-i-need-a-good-joke-right-now

Missing my Dad and little brother.

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davep, to random

Our son is taking part in a social experiment.

He has to wear a tory 2024 t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he's been spat on, punched, had a bottle thrown at him and hit on the head with a shoe.

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

davep, (edited ) to random

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today, is it?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realised I’d left my phone in Airplane mode.

davep, to random

Me to friend: "I love Beyoncé."

Friend: "Whatever floats your boat."

Me: "No, that's buoyancy."

davep, to random

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

davep, (edited ) to random

Please retoot for reach:

Looking for an old Irish friend called Kieron O'Connor who lived around the Elephant and Castle from the eighties until nearly two decades ago (specifically Rockingham and Borough). He moved back to Ireland (Cork?) and I'd love to get back in touch. Probably about 65 now.

Mastodon hive mind, can you help?

davep, to random

Scotsman walks into a bar in Canada, and there’s a huge stuffed head on the wall.

‘What’s that?' He asks.

‘It’s a moose', comes the reply.

"Christ! How big are the cats around here?"

davep, to random

When I said butter, I actually meant ghee. I should have clarified

davep, to random

Apparently, there is now a Patron Saint of copying people on an email.

It's St. Francis of a CC.

davep, to random

Monday - Ian

Tuesday - Greg

Wednesday - Ian

Thursday - Greg

Friday - Ian

Saturday - Greg

Sunday - Ian

The Gregorian Calendar

davep, to random

Me: Meet my horse, Mayo.

Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse?

Mayo: [neighs]

davep, to random

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a clinic to donate blood. The doctor says to the rabbit: "What's your blood type?"

"I'm probably a Type O", the rabbit replied with great sadness.

davep, to random

A man is sitting next to his newborn baby's cot. From the other room his father comes in and lays a hand on his shoulder.

"You've done really well, mate. You'll make a brilliant dad."

The son looks up and smiles with a bit of anxiety in his voice. "Thanks, Dad. I really hope so."

The old man pulls out a small book from his back pocket and hands it to his son. "Now that you're a parent, I'd like you to have this. I studied it for the first year of your life and memorised every single one. I'd love you to use it for my grandson."

The son looks at the cover which is titled 1000 Dad Jokes To Annoy Your Children. He looks up with tears in his eyes. "Dad...I'm honoured."

His dad smiles: "Hello, Honoured. I'm Dad."

davep, to random

I've started investing in stocks.

Took an aggressive position on Chicken yesterday, and got some Beef this morning. Also considering Vegetable.

I know there are risks but if works out I'll be a bouillonaire.

davep, to random

I remember learning about Pavlov in class and thinking “those stupid dogs”.

Then the bell rang and we all had lunch.

davep, to random

I tried donating blood today. Never again, I'll tell you. So many questions! 'Why do you want to donate blood?' 'Whose blood is it?' 'Why is it in a bucket? '

davep, to random

My 3 favourite things are eating my family and not using commas.

davep, to random

Another Brexit benefit! New jokes can be created by recycling old Soviet jokes. For example:

A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

davep, to random

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 120 km/h, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F...k it woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up?

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's drunk.'

davep, to random

Suburban home. The phone rings. A little girl answers it.

'Hello?'

'Hi, honey, this is Daddy.... is Mummy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave,'

After a brief pause Daddy says 'But you haven't got an Uncle Dave, sweetie'

‘Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now!'

'Uh, okay, then......here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Dave that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.'

'Okay, Daddy!'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy.'

'And what happened?' he asks.

'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead.'

'Oh my God.’

pause.

‘But what about your Uncle Dave?'

'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the empty swimming pool and now he's all dead too.'

long pause

'Swimming pool? What swimming pool? Is this 555 7039?'

davep, to random

My wife told me that if I didn't change my misogynistic attitude, she'd ram my face into the laptop keyboard.

I told her that she shouldn't talk to me like that, I was the Man of the house, the King of the castle, the Lord of the marggu]e09tut]m23v8k94y8]yivw][gklasd ;vl# lef]q[ wp

davep, to random

And now for the top prize in the Palindrome Awards, we open the Reward Drawer.

davep, to random

I for one

davep, to random

Katie Price is taller than Alan Price but both are shorter than Vincent Price.*

  • Source: price comparison website.
davep, to random

A bloke sat down in a cinema and noticed the man in front of him had brought his dog and it was sitting in the seat next to him.

He thought it was unusual but since he liked dogs he decided as long as it wasn’t a distraction he wouldn’t say anything.

The movie started and pretty soon there was a funny scene. The dog made some low woofing sounds that sounded almost like laughter.

A bit later there was a sad part and the dog appeared to be weeping.

This continued throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog was astounded.

When the lights came up he tapped the dog's owner on the shoulder and said, "I gotta tell ya – and I know it sounds weird – but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed the movie."

The man looked at his dog, nodded and said, “I know, it really is weird, because he absolutely hated the book."

davep, (edited ) to random

If you're dreading work tomorrow, it could be worse...

Edit: adding link https://edition.cnn.com/2024/02/04/asia/deepfake-cfo-scam-hong-kong-intl-hnk/index.html

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